It seems like whenever i get a little bit better I crash I have been in therapy, not here, it is not working for me. I have been getting thoughts that are intricate promises basically whike im praying trying to ask God to ignore these thoughts my mimd deploys a series of intricate "deals" like this "If you move your toe you will blaspheme if you write or draw ever again" then I start to wonder if I made that deal on purpose and while im doing that I have a thought that says "Also if you ask God to forgive you of that first deal, you will commit the unpardonable sin" and so on. And so I feel like I have to defuse a bomb, ever so carefully going back to the latest "deal" and asking God to release me from it and if I dont do it in the right order, because if the last is still true and I asked for forgiveness for the first deal then I am in trouble and I feel like God will never release me from any of it and I will be bound for all eternity.

Hey all. I need help. I am sitting on my bathroom floor freaking out and convinced that all my work towards getting better has gone out the window. I am so scared of the “bad guy” getting me all the time. I constantly feel like I have to prove to God that I don’t mean these awful feelings and thoughts that I have about the bad guy. I’ve had trouble sleeping tonight, going in and out of consciousness, all while dealing with bad thoughts going in and out of my head. Finally I woke up and am flooded with “you have so many thoughts and feeling that you let slide while you were trying to sleep. You had thoughts that you accepted the bad guy and you didn’t dispute them before you tried to move on. You have so much to answer for.” So now I’m sitting here in my bathroom floor hysterically crying and begging God to believe me when I say I don’t any of these thoughts or feelings… please someone help

TW Religious ocd This is very confusing. I have severe religious meta OCD, and it’s making my mind go to bad places. With meta ocd there are multiple layers to it and it becomes complicated. Prayer can be basically both used to express desire and as a test, and it is REALLY confusing. This is probably triple or quadruple meta ocd pr even more but I’ll do my best to explain. During the prayer obsession I’ve had, I convinced myself I prayed for bad things (it was probably more ocd than I realized). One thing ocd would do is present scenarios of things I wanted that I wouldn’t normally pray for to basically create a lot of ambiguity. It also found loopholes such as praying to pray for things. One of the things I would do while praying for things I’d want is praying to die. This is I guess already a gray area, cause I’m sure god wouldn’t be happy, but at the same time, it’s something I established I wanted and prayed for. It could be like I was running on the trail and I’d see a fox and pray it attacked me and mean it. The issue is, in reality, I wouldn’t really want a fox to attack me that much. I wrote about that as an example and there was a therapist who was probably right who said the prayer could be both a testing ground and to express desire. OCD realized that if it could get a bad prayer in that, it could be bad, since they said “and express desire.” Another issue with this is a fox attack isn’t the most desirable thing. So then today, my brain thought of something else: what about a bee attack. Same thing. I prayed and meant that, and then it instantly jumped to something that could affect not just me but other people: world war 3. The ocd is so complex that I have that the way out is likely just allowing myself to pray for whatever I want regardless of how bad it is and letting god ignore it. So I did the same thing with world war 3, and some other bad things my brain hand picked, meant it in that moment, felt bad, and then that whole thing was gone. I also prayed to pray for it. Essentially, I prayed through magical thinking (I know it makes no sense. Praying through magical thinking makes it easier to do and that’s why my brain came up with that). After it was done, I had no desire for any of those prayers. I’m confused because there are so many layers, and I technically prayed for something bad. Unfortunately, if I don’t pray for that thing, I’ve prayed for so many things like that, and it could cause issues. I could wonder why I prayed for stuff like that in the past. So I can’t walk away easily. I might just have to let myself do bad prayers, get it out, hopefully it fixes my brain, and move on with my life. What I hate too is for the prayer to die, my brain selects whatever way I could die that would either hurt the most people or be relate to whatever I was afraid of it relating to. If I don’t do it, I start to ruminate about why I did it in the past. But essentially, with this specific part, it’ll almost bait me by starting off with a prayer for a fox to attack or something, move to something else somewhat less desirable, and then whatever thing it hand picked that could hurt others. And it all feels similar.

So, alot has changed. I'm Christian and currently believe we are in the end of times. It's changed my whole perspective on life. I quit my job and moved back in with family, starting to go to church, apologized to those I hurt except, one person who I talked to two family members and they told me to delete the message and with my other apology ( that i also believed was God telling me to confess in 2020) i lied at some parts because of shame and confusing myself most likely intentionally. I confessed everything to my dad and he says since i turned from it, repented, that i need to let it go and continue forward. Since then, my minds been saying that I'm outside of God's will and everything's gone down hill. I had also prayed that God exposed me and now it's like all this evil and wickedness that feels like it's coming out of my heart settles into my chest. I've prayed to God, worshipped to God, but thoughts and images of being sent to hell or my loved ones pops into my head and I've gone to sleep twice each night accepting the fact that because of me not doing so may have doomed me and my loved ones and I feel scared that I got so tired and stopped fighting it. I've had ocd since I was 7 but it just is so scary because it's hitting down to the wire and I'm scared that I was never a child of God at all I mean I have iniquity I thought I repented for but people I love still struggle with what I've done and I prayed for them and tried to help them and suggest therapy but I haven't did what I could to make it right like I should've. But these images and thoughts they're horrible. I feel like I'm against God truly and I'm like Lord change the circumstances and I won't resist so that I can preach Your word and everyday I feel like I'm gambling. It's like every thought is biblical for the most part. I don't want to kill myself cuz what if I have a chance that God will have mercy on me but....