Hi everyone, my name is Chris and I'm 25 years old. A year ago my life was completely flipped upside down. I want to take a second to share my journey of recovery with OCD. Roughly a year n a half ago, my ex fiancé and I broke up due to my hiding of a online friendships I had with people I met through Twitch ( gaming app). When coming clean to my ex fiancé I became very obsessive about making sure I had nothing left to hide. I was overwhelmed with guilt that I could not get away from. Despite her learning to accept my mistakes, I could not let it go. I kept digging for things that weren't even there because I feared something coming back up. That triggered my first visit into the hospital due to suicidal ideations. I was so scared. I was alone. Despite having backing from my family and friends, I felt alone. I didn't know what was going on with me. Why I was having these intrusive thoughts that would hook me so strongly that I couldn't escape them? I remember vividly being in the hospital trying to put up a "stop sign" in my mind when these intrusive thoughts would come up. After I was released, I was okay for a bit but everything would come back and I was in intense distress. I began having Harm OCD Thoughts and Suicidal OCD Thoughts. Again, I felt scared. So I went into another hospital seeking help. My visit there was a bit better but I didn't feel like they knew what was wrong with me either. I then developed Pedophilic OCD due to an intrusive thought where I feared what if I was a pedophile, rapist, or anything like that. As you can imagine, I was scared. I was experiencing all of these things not knowing how to handle them. Not knowing how to work through them. I wasn't on the right medication at the time either. The thing with OCD, as I'm sure you know, the thoughts that come with the OCD or the compulsions are things we hate feeling and cause great distress. I hated not feeling comfortable around kids. I used to be able to be friendly like anyone else would be with a kid but I began to avoid kids. I would run away from my fears. I didn't want to become a pedophile. That was the OCD getting to me. I would have so many panic attacks. I would wake up and talk to my mom first thing about how upset I am. I couldn't listen to my music, watch movies, hardly anything because I feared it making it worse. Thankful to my mother, she found me a psychiatrist and a therapist who I believe truly saved my life. I began (still and seeing to this day) seeing my therapist who is familiar with OCD. She began working with me on the thoughts I was having and over time we began to decipher the thoughts and began narrowing down the types of OCD I was having. We went through workbooks and many exercises to help cope with it all. My counselor was someone who truly understood what I was going through and didn't judge me or shame me for the severe OCD I was struggling with. I could always text her or call her during a crisis and help bring me down. Over time she gave me a list of "tools" on notecards to use and they have became my lifeline. Anytime I get an OCD thought, I resort right to my tools. Now it doesn't help every time and some tools work better for me than others but it's another way to cope with the OCD. She trusty helped me begin living a life with OCD. She told me that the goal is not to make the OCD go away entirely but to learn how to live with it. Because as we all know, these intrusive thoughts come n go every second, every millisecond. So we can't make them go away because let's say a day or two passes with no OCD thoughts and we feel maybe it's going away? Then BAM, they're back. We become upset. So if I could just learn to accept the thoughts and what I learned is to welcome the uncertainty. To sit in that uncomfortableness. Something I'm still working on to this day. My psychiatrist was just as amazing (still seeing her to this day). She took the time to get to know me as a person and each visit would take time to ask about my month, how life was going and how the medication was working. I never felt rushed, or that she was just pushing pills and kicking me out. I'm grateful for my therapist and psychiatrist because not everyone goes above n beyond their job title. I have my mom and God to thank for placing these people in my life. The medication I've been taking is Lorazapam for anxiety and clomprimine for the OCD. I still am not sure if the OCD medication is helping but I know it's not making it worse. This last August marked my one year attendance at Celebrate Recovery. To give a brief background on CR, it's a Christian based recovery program. My mom has been attending for over 10 years. She invited me to go with her and I thought, what do I have to lose? So I went and sat down with the leader and accepted God into my life. Now, I'm not forcing God onto anyone but for me, accepting God into my life was a blessing. Every Friday night I attend CR and give my problems to God and pray for his strength. September of last year I picked up another job and started working again. Through therapy, God and my wonderful support system I was able to continue working and slowly improving my mental health. Without my family, friends, and loved ones, I wouldn't be at this point in recovery. I hope you all can find a support system because for me, it's what picks me up and dust me off when I fall. Because we know all to well, every day is a challenge with OCD. I go to counseling every week, CR every Friday, and talk to God every day. These things have helped my recovery tremendously. I made a promise to myself and therapist that I will NOT let my OCD stop me from living life. So, I got my own apartment and am living on my own. Through therapy I've learned to challenge the OCD. Man, OCD tried to twist and take everything you love and enjoy. That pissed me off so much. But I had to remember my promise. I still am in recovery. I'm no where near where I would love to be but I've learned to celebrate your victories. I have goals of one day being able to be the silly uncle I want to be so bad. To pick a kid yo and spin them around like everyone else. Thinking of not fearing being around kids feels so freeing, man. I'm determined to get there. No matter how long it takes. I know God has me and has surrounded me with wonderful people to help me grow. Right now, I'm still habit. The OCD thoughts. Whether it be Suicidal OCD, Harm OCD, or Pedophilic OCD. They're still there. But I'm having a hard time not seeking reassurance. Not giving into a compulsion I have of confessing my OCD thought. but that is why I'm continuing Counseling and giving my problems to God. I have to do a lot of positive self talk and realize how strong I am. That this OCD will not consume me. If you are reading this and struggle with pedophilic OCD, please know that you are not alone. That you are NOT a monster. That there IS light at the end of the tunnel. To never EVER give up. That goes for anyone. I remember feeling scared and alone. I never want ANYONE to feel like that. Some people don't truly understand the pain that REAL OCD brings. But you all are on this app. That is a HUGE step. I never knew about this app when my journey first started but I'm so blessed to have found this thanks to my therapist. So for anyone dealing with OCD, whatever subcategory, you're not alone. I may not be the best person to come to because I always fear getting triggered by another story, so I try to keep my distance. I don't think I'm better than anyone, I'm just in recovery too. I'm happy to have found this app and work with a therapist here. I have hope. I love you all and we're all in this together. Try to remember, my thoughts do not control my actions and it's just the OCD.