Hi everyone, my name is Chris and I'm 25 years old. A year ago my life was completely flipped upside down. I want to take a second to share my journey of recovery with OCD. Roughly a year n a half ago, my ex fiancé and I broke up due to my hiding of a online friendships I had with people I met through Twitch ( gaming app). When coming clean to my ex fiancé I became very obsessive about making sure I had nothing left to hide. I was overwhelmed with guilt that I could not get away from. Despite her learning to accept my mistakes, I could not let it go. I kept digging for things that weren't even there because I feared something coming back up. That triggered my first visit into the hospital due to suicidal ideations. I was so scared. I was alone. Despite having backing from my family and friends, I felt alone. I didn't know what was going on with me. Why I was having these intrusive thoughts that would hook me so strongly that I couldn't escape them? I remember vividly being in the hospital trying to put up a "stop sign" in my mind when these intrusive thoughts would come up. After I was released, I was okay for a bit but everything would come back and I was in intense distress. I began having Harm OCD Thoughts and Suicidal OCD Thoughts. Again, I felt scared. So I went into another hospital seeking help. My visit there was a bit better but I didn't feel like they knew what was wrong with me either. I then developed Pedophilic OCD due to an intrusive thought where I feared what if I was a pedophile, rapist, or anything like that. As you can imagine, I was scared. I was experiencing all of these things not knowing how to handle them. Not knowing how to work through them. I wasn't on the right medication at the time either. The thing with OCD, as I'm sure you know, the thoughts that come with the OCD or the compulsions are things we hate feeling and cause great distress. I hated not feeling comfortable around kids. I used to be able to be friendly like anyone else would be with a kid but I began to avoid kids. I would run away from my fears. I didn't want to become a pedophile. That was the OCD getting to me. I would have so many panic attacks. I would wake up and talk to my mom first thing about how upset I am. I couldn't listen to my music, watch movies, hardly anything because I feared it making it worse. Thankful to my mother, she found me a psychiatrist and a therapist who I believe truly saved my life. I began (still and seeing to this day) seeing my therapist who is familiar with OCD. She began working with me on the thoughts I was having and over time we began to decipher the thoughts and began narrowing down the types of OCD I was having. We went through workbooks and many exercises to help cope with it all. My counselor was someone who truly understood what I was going through and didn't judge me or shame me for the severe OCD I was struggling with. I could always text her or call her during a crisis and help bring me down. Over time she gave me a list of "tools" on notecards to use and they have became my lifeline. Anytime I get an OCD thought, I resort right to my tools. Now it doesn't help every time and some tools work better for me than others but it's another way to cope with the OCD. She trusty helped me begin living a life with OCD. She told me that the goal is not to make the OCD go away entirely but to learn how to live with it. Because as we all know, these intrusive thoughts come n go every second, every millisecond. So we can't make them go away because let's say a day or two passes with no OCD thoughts and we feel maybe it's going away? Then BAM, they're back. We become upset. So if I could just learn to accept the thoughts and what I learned is to welcome the uncertainty. To sit in that uncomfortableness. Something I'm still working on to this day. My psychiatrist was just as amazing (still seeing her to this day). She took the time to get to know me as a person and each visit would take time to ask about my month, how life was going and how the medication was working. I never felt rushed, or that she was just pushing pills and kicking me out. I'm grateful for my therapist and psychiatrist because not everyone goes above n beyond their job title. I have my mom and God to thank for placing these people in my life. The medication I've been taking is Lorazapam for anxiety and clomprimine for the OCD. I still am not sure if the OCD medication is helping but I know it's not making it worse. This last August marked my one year attendance at Celebrate Recovery. To give a brief background on CR, it's a Christian based recovery program. My mom has been attending for over 10 years. She invited me to go with her and I thought, what do I have to lose? So I went and sat down with the leader and accepted God into my life. Now, I'm not forcing God onto anyone but for me, accepting God into my life was a blessing. Every Friday night I attend CR and give my problems to God and pray for his strength. September of last year I picked up another job and started working again. Through therapy, God and my wonderful support system I was able to continue working and slowly improving my mental health. Without my family, friends, and loved ones, I wouldn't be at this point in recovery. I hope you all can find a support system because for me, it's what picks me up and dust me off when I fall. Because we know all to well, every day is a challenge with OCD. I go to counseling every week, CR every Friday, and talk to God every day. These things have helped my recovery tremendously. I made a promise to myself and therapist that I will NOT let my OCD stop me from living life. So, I got my own apartment and am living on my own. Through therapy I've learned to challenge the OCD. Man, OCD tried to twist and take everything you love and enjoy. That pissed me off so much. But I had to remember my promise. I still am in recovery. I'm no where near where I would love to be but I've learned to celebrate your victories. I have goals of one day being able to be the silly uncle I want to be so bad. To pick a kid yo and spin them around like everyone else. Thinking of not fearing being around kids feels so freeing, man. I'm determined to get there. No matter how long it takes. I know God has me and has surrounded me with wonderful people to help me grow. Right now, I'm still habit. The OCD thoughts. Whether it be Suicidal OCD, Harm OCD, or Pedophilic OCD. They're still there. But I'm having a hard time not seeking reassurance. Not giving into a compulsion I have of confessing my OCD thought. but that is why I'm continuing Counseling and giving my problems to God. I have to do a lot of positive self talk and realize how strong I am. That this OCD will not consume me. If you are reading this and struggle with pedophilic OCD, please know that you are not alone. That you are NOT a monster. That there IS light at the end of the tunnel. To never EVER give up. That goes for anyone. I remember feeling scared and alone. I never want ANYONE to feel like that. Some people don't truly understand the pain that REAL OCD brings. But you all are on this app. That is a HUGE step. I never knew about this app when my journey first started but I'm so blessed to have found this thanks to my therapist. So for anyone dealing with OCD, whatever subcategory, you're not alone. I may not be the best person to come to because I always fear getting triggered by another story, so I try to keep my distance. I don't think I'm better than anyone, I'm just in recovery too. I'm happy to have found this app and work with a therapist here. I have hope. I love you all and we're all in this together. Try to remember, my thoughts do not control my actions and it's just the OCD.

Hello everyone, I'm writing this because I've been struggling heavily for the past two months. I went through a breakup that I won't go into vast detail about. However, it was very abrupt with little "closure" or reasoning. It was simply based off of intuition from the other person, which is completely valid - he also said I didn't do anything wrong. This uncertainty already sounds like an OCD nightmare, which is why I'm sharing my story. There was no incompatibility, unshared values, patterns. Probably just no communication on his end towards when he started having this feeling. I thought this person was MY person, and it certainly was heavily reciprocated and initiated by him. He is also my coworker, and someone I went into a relationship with massive intentions, the slow burn and serendipity of it was special to me. This connection was a safe space and I put all my trust into him, he was my rock romantically and when things were good, he really built that trust up with me and I never wanted to let it go. I also thought I was a good partner, and tried my best. Of course I still had my family/friends, school, apartment life, career. I really felt like everything in my life had lined up and this relationship was the cherry on top for a while. Obviously we both made mistakes and there was ups and downs, but I never once questioned my love for him or thought he might suddenly leave. Which is something that can happen to anyone. After our breakup, I felt completely lost, betrayed, blindsided.....and to make matters worse, I blame myself for everything and my OCD immediately went into max gear. The uncertainty of the entire situation was so scary to me, all I could say or think was that I was scared. And I wasn't ready to face the pain that was about to come, not to mention the OCD already creeping up into full panic mode, especially without a person I considered a huge support system. OCD looks for clarity - not just me as a human looking for clarity. It felt like there was layers and layers of complexity for me that I couldn't face, if that makes sense. Unfortunately, I made a horrible mistake and attempted S. After going through an extremely vulnerable situation at the hospital, I went through inpatient and found it extremely difficult to accept my old life was simply gone, out of thin air. After I came out, I couldn't even be in my own apartment. I didn't feel safe, in a place I worked hard to get and felt "independent" in. Independence was one of my biggest personal values, now I feel anxiously attached. I also didn't feel safe at work, which was once a good distraction for me and something I also worked hard towards, I can't quit. And not to mention, the loss of an important relationship. I sought support from my family, who has been so unbelievably supportive and I also started to try to figure out what I was going to do. It was extremely hard trying to find an Intensive Outpatient Program that would work with my schedule, and also I was set to start my new semester in school again soon. I ended up setting up therapy with NO OCD twice a week. My therapist has been EXTREMELY helpful, and I honestly did not think that finding someone specialized in OCD would be so life changing. Anyway after everything that happened, I'm still struggling with feeling like a BAD person. It's my reoccurring theme. I thought that I was somehow a manipulator because of my attempt. I know I reacted poorly, but I'm also learning to give myself grace for the pure pain anyone would feel and know that it was an isolated incident (never talked about it before, especially not in relationship). I also try to remind myself that my situation is unique and only I know the pain. I also think back again and again, to every little thing I could have done wrong and it hurts me. I think about isolated mistakes or things I said, and think that's the reason why my whole relationship failed. I take the blame for everything. And it all ties back to me being a bad person. It feels like it's never ending. Sometimes I feel good, but it's still really hard to stop the cycle for me. I think about every little thing. I honestly couldn't even slightly comprehend how someone can vastly change their behavior - it felt like he truly died. That person who I got into a relationship, was no longer here. Interpreting his behavior, actions and words has been difficult, not to mention my own - but It's easier for me as I continue to give myself grace knowing that I did what I could within the relationship with the information I had. I also try to remind myself that I took a lot of accountability, and would have listened if things were brought up. The same mistakes I made, were not the same he made - but OCD keeps trying to make me overly reflect on myself only, if that makes sense. Taking OCD away completely - interpreting that is already complex. Adding OCD, it's horrible...my brain keep trying to find certainty in SOMETHING, anything. So little things come to my head, and suddenly I'm a bad person. Suddenly, he's reached happiness and I lost him because....I'm a bad person. Suddenly I was too needy, too much, showed my OCD, and he thought I was a bad person. It's honestly exhausting. I've never hid my OCD, but I did feel like I was actively working on it and also trying to be a good partner, sister, daughter, friend. I was content, and I wasn't expecting this or maybe I would have been more prepared, I've had breakups before with longer relationships. It's hard to know how OCD just came into FULL gear after this hardship, it's hard to know that - although I was working on it - I felt content and wasn't experiencing symptoms regularly. Suddenly, I was in full panic mode all the time. It's made me question my entire reality, I hope this makes sense. I know the levels of this were traumatic, and I am doing A LOT better just two months in. I'm looking forward to more progress and hope that I can accept uncertainty more and more. Regardless of how I felt, he can suddenly leave and without reason. And I'm learning that not everything is my fault, and that I have so many good things in my life I should be grateful for. Although when I came out of the hospital everything was flipped upside down, I still have a job....an apartment and family/friends and school, not to mention the work I need to do on myself and OCD. Maybe one aspect of my life (relationship), is gone - but everything else is still there. It's hard, I've been staying with my mom and this weekend I'm going back to my apartment to face my loneliness. With the help of my therapist, I'm learning to be uncomfortable in my apartment. I think this experience has COMPLETELY broken me as a person, but because of it I was able to face my OCD head on in a way I've NEVER had to do before. I could have probably kept it symptom free for the most part, but this has challenged me in a way I never thought possible - almost as if - I get through this, I might be able to defeat it. And also understand pain on such a deep level, that I can be there for my family, friends, etc in a new way I never thought possible. I probably forgot to include a lot of stuff, but lets just accept that it's extremely complex to explain - and all I know is that I'm not a bad person because OCD says so.....separating the relationship from the attempt. In the relationship, I tried my absolute best and we both made mistakes. In the attempt, I can acknowledge my pain and move forward from it in a non judgmental and graceful way. Even though I delt with extreme guilt for putting my family through something they couldn't understand and guilt for myself and for everyone involved, even though I know it's okay.

This is my first post on this app, though I made this account back in late September of 2021. I grew up in a toxic environment, and was mentally abused by my parents, included being taken advantage of because of my autism. I’ve been suffering from OCD as long as I can remember. Ever since I was a child, I’ve sometimes had thoughts that scared me, and I’d often try to find ways to calm myself down. I’ve had thoughts over the smallest and silliest of things, but as time went on, these thoughts suddenly became more violent, like wanting to step in front of moving car while waiting for the bus, or grabbing a knife on the dinner table and using it to stab a family member. Even thoughts of death and what happens afterwards scared me. Aside from being afraid of a kids horror show for a while, OCD did bother me at points in my life, but they never severely crippled me… until my teenage years. Throughout my teen hood, I would very occasionally suddenly imagine fictional child characters being SA’d. I would also sometimes imagine children getting injured while noticing them sometimes. I didn’t know why those thoughts popped up into my head and they would weird me out, but I would be able to usually push them aside and not think about them too much… but it got worse after I was dropped out of high school without my consent by my parents. In March of 2017, I was at a gas station when I saw a child and imagined doing a disgusting action with them. It freaked me out immensely and sent me into a panic attack. I was able to calm down from it shortly after, but I think it planted a seed into my brain, and it would launch a horrific attack on me the very next month. Me and my family were driving around a town for a special occasion when I had the worst OCD attack I’ve ever had. Every child I saw, I imagined doing something disgusting to them. I was having a full blown panic attack and it honestly felt like my mind itself was being sexually assaulted by this horrifying thoughts. This incident scarred me mentally, and to this day, I’m still afraid of being around anyone younger than me. I tried researching what these thoughts could mean, and I found out about these being symptoms of OCD. After talking with a psychiatrist a month later, I was diagnosed with OCD. For a while, I thought I’d be okay from that point. I thought I could conquer this on my own… but by early 2018, I was still struggling. I eventually came out to my older sibling and parents about what I was dealing with. They thankfully didn’t ridicule me, and did help me with getting a therapist. The first visit with my therapist went alright, but I was an emotional mess after finishing the session. The next time I went in however, I was seen by someone else because my therapist was out. The man I saw honestly felt condescending, and he basically made go to a group therapy session. The group therapy didn’t help in the slightest, and with more toxicity developing in my family afterwards, I stopped going after the group therapy. I did see my therapist at least once I think, but that was it. Ever since 2018, I was silent about my OCD. I was just hoping that someday I’d be free of my shackles both from my mental illness and my toxic environment. Two years later though, a friend (now partner) of mine heard about my family’s living situation and wanted to help get me out of there. I first visited them in 2021, and thankfully I stay with them for the most part. That being said, I was still worried about opening up to them about my OCD. I did talk with them about general OCD from time to time, but never got into P OCD… until last year finally. I opened up them fully about it, and both they and their mother told me that they weren’t upset, and that they understood where I was coming from. I think that genuinely helped me out, and I don’t feel as anxious as I did before. Just yesterday, I finally talked about my OCD to my older sibling (they’re super supportive and understand our parents toxicity). I was genuinely nervous about telling them for a while out of fear of them either abandoning me or ratting me out… but they understood. They were accepting and didn’t ridicule me at all. It was like a weight was lifted off my shoulders… and honestly, I think I might have the courage to speak up on this app finally and hopefully find a therapist who can help me. I’ve been suffering with P OCD for over 8 years now ever since I was 18. I just recently turned 27 a few days ago. I’ve been suffering in silence for so long due to trauma, fear, and PTSD. But now, I think I want to take a step forward and get onto the road to recovery. It most likely won’t be easy and it won’t happen overnight, but I feel relieved knowing I have people who love and support me, now that I’m in a better environment.

I few years ago, I did self-harm a few times, and then I got super into spirituality, and about a year ago, I remembered I did self-harm and ever since haven't been able to shake the guilt off... Constantly, every day, my mind would make me feel guilty about it and think about it all day. It's like my brain knew the thought that I could/ have cut myself scared me, so it kept bringing it up. My family had no idea I had ever done this, so my OCD told me I was a liar for not telling them about every day. I was afraid that they wouldn't love me anymore and send me to a mental hospital if I told them. About 2-3 months ago, I had gotten so fed up with having these thoughts every day and confessed to my mom what I had done, and her reaction was great. And I thought I'd never have thoughts about when I did self-harm again because I finally confessed. I was wrong. Even with people telling me that it's okay, I did that, I can't shake the guilt I had around this event, and even more so the fear/guilt around my own thoughts... My therapist and I talk about how the problem isn't the thoughts but what the OCD does to them. I try to create positive neural pathways, but that just makes me more stressed about it. There are things I'm supposed to tell myself when I feel negative, but I think I get that confused and tell myself those things every time I have thoughts about what I did. Which is feeding into a mental compulsion (replacing every "bad" thought with a "good" one. What works for me is (if I can) do nothing and have the thoughts... It's been hard to get better because I have had no idea what's been happening to me and felt like for the last year I was going crazy... I always thought OCD was cleaning stuff and physical compulsions . Everything that happened to me happened in my head. On the worst days when my OCD is really bad, every single time I was conscious and aware, I was thinking about the fact that I did self-harm. I would lie in bed all day trying to figure out my thoughts because I thought if I watched TV, I would be avoiding important things. I thought I had to figure out all my thoughts. I would ruminate, replay, and second-guess all. day. long. It was hard to recognize it was OCD because I thought I had done something seriously bad and wrong, and that I must deserve these thoughts. I think the trick is that you feel like you must have positive thoughts, and the most distressing thing wasn't necessarily the fact that I did self-harm, but the fact that I couldn't stop thinking about it. I find the best thing you can do is just have all your thoughts in your head and try not to separate them from good and bad, if you can. It's nice to have people who understand!!!! More to come, about the journey. My favorite thing to say when I'm stuck is "that sly devil... OCD. Silly OCD is getting to me right now, but it won't last forever. That sneaky guy tricked me again" Love you!!!