Anyone else’s OCD not constant? I don’t know if this is normal or not but I’ve had 3 flair ups in my life time that I can remember. The first 2 we’re harm OCD (obviously I didn’t know this was what was happening to me at the time.) I was in middle school the first time and i randomly had a fear that I might hurt my mom. I remember laying awake all night and not being able to focus on my school work. That slowly just fizzled out on its own (Thank God.) Fast forward to 2017 and the harm OCD came back towards my boyfriend. I almost broke up with him over it because I thought there was no way I could ever be with him after having these thoughts of thinking I might harm him physically. Again, it just kind of went away after I opened up to my dad about it and he introduced me to what I now know are intrusive thoughts…Fast forward again to 2 months ago exactly. I got an intrusive thought that I didn’t love my Fiancé anymore after randomly finding someone else attractive. This is the same man I had the harm OCD towards. I married him a little over 2 weeks ago and I’m still currently struggling with ROCD and I’m surprised to say it’s even worse than the harm OCD ever was. Every relapse or flare up seems to consistently get worse and last much longer. 😞 I don’t want to have to live in fear of this always being a roller coaster I can’t get off of.

That does make sense! The first flare I had with my now husband when I was worried I’d harm him was right after we bought our first house and I left home for the first time…ROCD hit a month before my wedding when things began to feel “real.” It’s just painful remembering how much love and admiration I had for him befor the thought flipped my life upside down. 😞

@Jeanie12 Oh, I totally get it. My Rocd started after my husband had been together for almost a decade. We’re still together and trying to work through the spiky periods, he has mental health stuff, too. I just try to live moment to moment and not think beyond what’s right in front of me.

Of course it’s okay! I actually know the exact time, place, and thought that caused me to spiral. It was August 9th and I had actually just gotten off the phone with my now husband! (We talk almost every day on my lunch break) we were figuring last minute how many people from my work we could invite to our wedding! We came to a for sure number and I headed inside to hand out invitations. I worked for a doctor that a lot of my co workers found attractive but I genuinely didn’t swoon over him at all like they did! I can’t stress enough how blinded by absolute love for the man I’m with I was before this day. He’s incredible and it’s a fairytale love…I went and handed that doctor an invitation and as soon as that envelope left my hands, my brain said “You actually might be attracted to him which means there’s no way you can be in love with the guy you’re supposed to be marrying in a month.” This thought triggered an INSTANT fear response. I suddenly couldn’t stop crying, couldn’t sleep, lost 20 pounds in a month because I couldn’t eat. I was finally put on medication to try and get things under enough control so that I could at least function. At this point in my journey I don’t have intrusive thoughts about wanting to be with the man that triggered the thought or honestly anyone else for that matter! The thoughts are more partner focused. “I’m not attracted to him anymore” “I don’t love him anymore.” “He deserves someone who adores him but I know I can’t lose him” My thoughts have recently also escalated a bit to the idea of having children. I have always lived to have babies with my husband. It’s all I’ve ever wanted but recently, I’ve been having thoughts that I’ll feel the same fear towards a baby. I’m scared I’ll get pregnant and have a sweet baby and wonder if I even care for it. 😞