- Date posted
- 3y
- Date posted
- 3y
You are not alone!! I am currently struggling with ROCD and have gone through the exact same things you are experiencing. I have been with my now husband for a little over 4 years and ROCD showed its nasty head about one month before my wedding after I had an intrusive thought that I may have found someone else attractive which MUST have meant I didn’t actually love my significant other. I became bed ridden with anxiety. Lost 20 pounds and genuinely couldn’t leave my house! I almost quit my job. Finally I found NOCD and realized what I was dealing with. I got a therapist and began ERP! I still struggle but I am an slowly improving!! Let me know if you need any help or advice! Like I said, I am still in the midst of it but I am improving! In order to get better, you have to put in the hard work.
- Date posted
- 3y
Thank you so much Jeanie for your response!! I feel hopeful that there is someone going through the same thing as me and that I am not alone. I am so sorry to hear that you’re also going through this evil ROCD, it’s so evil. I’m so sorry to hear everything that you’ve been though but you’re so strong and I’m so glad that you’re getting better with ERP and a therapist! I also just started ERP with a therapist at NOCD and it scares me because I’ve felt the anxiety go down which makes it feel like the intrusive thoughts/feelings are real and it’s truly how I feel. Did you feel this? Also, how do you deal with the horrible feelings of being repulsed with your partner and lack of feelings/interest towards them?! Thank you so much
- Date posted
- 3y
@Anonymous Absolutely no problem at all! It’s devastating and so, so hard. I have felt with harm OCD in the past and that was awful but it doesn’t compare at all to the pain that has come with questioning wether I’m in love with my partner anymore. It truly is the worst thing I have ever experienced and I’m also so sorry you’re dealing with it! I have good an bad days and that is normal! I felt repulsed by my husband for weeks. I felt so guilty because we all had Covid and he was hit with it hard! I’m normally very attentive and caring towards him especially if he’s sick but I was just annoyed at him. Anytime he would cough I would just get super angry and that is totally unlike me. I felt nauseous looking at him and and oh my gosh the HEARTACHE that came with all those horrible emotions. The only thing I have found helpful is not doing compulsions! I purposely would sit with my husband and welcome the horrible pain and thoughts. ERP is HUGE for recovery. I’ve written horrible short stories about my husband and not being attracted to him and is breaking up! All kinds of things to get my anxiety stirring and learning how to sit with it until it eventually gets easier to handle! The hardest part for me honestly is the mental compulsions. I haven’t quite figured out how to stop the mental checking. I find myself anticipating how I’ll “feel” when I see him or were being intamate. It’s hard but letting yourself be scared is the fix! You have to say “maybe the thoughts ARE real.” Welcome it as a possibility! I’ve also seen people say to name your OCD give it a silly name to make it not so scary! For example, when you get an intrusive thought, brush it off by saying in your head “ohhhh look, doubting Deborah is back again.”
- Date posted
- 3y
@Jeanie12 Thank you so so much for this Jeanie!! This has truly helped me in so many ways, I feel hopeful and have light towards the end of this dark dark tunnel. I can’t explain how accurate you are with everything that you have felt or thought! I do the same mental compulsions too! How will I “feel” when I see my partner? Am I going to be annoyed when I see them? Are they going to look unattractive today? Will I be able to handle it? Etc. I am going to implement what you have mentioned and really practice the short stories more! One thing that has sort of helped/been difficult is just leaning into the acceptance “hey, maybe I don’t love them” “maybe I don’t find my partner attractive” “maybe I am feeling super annoyed by them” and sort of agreeing with the intrusive thoughts/feelings. We can do this!!!
- Date posted
- 3y
@AdonisG Yes!! We absolutely can! It is so hard! And it takes dedication and motivation to get through it! Just remember that it is normal to sometimes feel worse before things begin to get better. And you will have good and bad days! Even in a “good day” I still anticipate the feelings coming back at any moment. It’s like im always on high alert. 🙄 Some things that happen to me while I’m agreeing and leaning into the thoughts is extreme guilt and fear that if I agree with it, it might ACTUALLY become true. Which just means that I have a lot more agreeing to do until that fear becomes irrelevant to my brain. My husband hasn’t ever given me any reason to think im not supposed to be with him. So I’m here to fight! 💕
- Date posted
- 3y
Thank you so much for this Jeanie! ❤️ Yes, one of the hardest things is to stay motivated when my terrible instructive thoughts convince me that my partner is not worth fighting for and just sees the worst in them. I am really really fighting fo her and will continue to do so :) I hope you have a wonderful Monday and thank you so much again for all of your wisdom on ROCD!!!
Related posts
- Date posted
- 19w
I am at the point where I feel like I don’t even know myself anymore and have a really hard time explaining my thoughts and feelings. The thought that no one may ever be able to help me or understand me is blazing constant in my head. I don’t know if I will truly ever be happy, the dissatisfaction I have in my life is beyond words and I try to be happy but my mind is so toxic and ungrateful. I feel that I may never understand myself. Have been dealing with extreme intrusive thoughts in regards to my relationship, if my partner is for me, if I am the reason problems come up in my relationship, if I am overly sensitive causing arguments etc. I will have constant thoughts about other people in my head although I have a partner. A hyperactive imagination of others if you will or specific individuals in my life. I have a severely low sex drive. I have also noticed recently that my partner will say things that I don’t like but can’t tell if he’s the problem or if i’m the problem. If I like my partner anymore or if I don’t, can I see him in my future or not. When I am with him I enjoy being with him but there is always a thought in the back of my head of do I just like being around him as a friend because I am lonely or if I truly love them. It’s to the point where I question leaving them or not. My only issue is that I don’t want to leave but at the same time I have trouble feeling emotionally and sexually connected. I even pick at physical imperfections that they may have which to my true beliefs does not matter I will love them otherwise. We recently have been arguing a lot and I can’t tell if I am the problem or he is but it causes me a lot of stress because I feel misunderstood and feel like he wouldn’t understand me unless he was me. It can be hard explaining OCD to him because he is one of those people who loves to self help almost like a life coach, explains to me that anxiety doesn’t exist and that I can help myself or stuff along those lines. It hurts so bad because he doesn’t understand how hard it is for someone with OCD and how him saying things like that only makes it worse and makes me want to turn away from him in a way. I want to feel like I can talk to my partner and that I know for a fact is my true belief. I pray that God will heal me of this terrible disease. I feel I have turned away from the Lord so much because of how alone and misunderstood I feel with what feels like no change. When I’m in public I’ll look at a guy and feel as though because they looked at me back they will think I like them or that I may be interested even though i’m not. I obsess in my head sometimes about real people I know that are kit my partner and have just learned to accept that but it’s still disheartening to me. I understand the concept of being with a partner and still finding other people attractive without obviously doing anything about it and I try to remind myself of that. Please someone tell me this is OCD because the thought of it not is sickening. Another thing I do is compare myself to other girls my age almost that if i’m not as pretty as them im not pretty at all. To whom ever reads this please be very mindful of how you respond because I am triggered very easily. But I am so so lost.
- Date posted
- 16w
Hi everyone. I’m really struggling and I need to let it all out. I’ve been dealing with ROCD (or what I think is ROCD) for a long time, and I feel like I’m at my breaking point. I’m in a loving relationship with a boyfriend who is kind, understanding, and patient. But ever since I started reading a lot online, googling symptoms, talking to AI like ChatGPT, searching for reassurance, things have gotten worse and worse. And now… I feel completely disconnected from my feelings. I don’t know what’s real anymore. My boyfriend told me that he believes I’ve convinced myself that I have something that needs to be treated, and that all this constant researching is making me feel worse. And honestly, I think he’s right. Before I fell into this cycle, I could be more intimate with him. I used to say “I love you,” I used to feel warmth. Now I don’t say it anymore. I haven’t in a long time. And it hurts him. And I know I’m hurting him, and that makes it even worse. He also said that maybe I’m having these obsessive thoughts because I don’t have a daily purpose, that I need to get occupied, to stop being consumed by this. And others in my life have told me the same. He even suggested taking a break from each other for a week, just to give me space. But I’m terrified of that. I’m scared that the thing I fear most will become “the truth.” I’m scared I’ll feel relief, and that will mean everything I fear is real. But he told me that if I don’t want the break, maybe it means I still care. Still love. Still want this. The problem is, I don’t know anymore. And that’s what’s killing me. I’ve also had a psychologist who told me that just because I feel guilt or “care,” it doesn’t necessarily mean I like him — and that sent me spiraling. She said that maybe I care about people in general, but it doesn’t mean I love him. And it made me feel like I’m just lying to myself. That maybe I’m holding on out of obligation, or because I set in my head that I “have to be with him.” And even when he tells me beautiful things — logical things — things that SHOULD make me feel safe and seen… I don’t feel better. I just feel more empty. And then I start spiraling again: “If this doesn’t help me feel better, then something must be wrong.” “What if I’m just pretending?” “What if I’ve been lying to myself all along?” I feel like there’s something wrong inside of me. Like no matter what anyone says, or how much love I’m given, I can’t feel it. I just want to know what to do. I want someone to tell me what this is. I want to stop feeling like I’m running after a version of myself that used to feel, used to love, used to be calm. I don’t know if this is ROCD or if I’m just slowly facing a truth I’ve been afraid to accept. Please, if anyone has felt this way, I need to hear that I’m not alone. And if you’ve come out the other side… how? My relationship is perfect and he is perfect, i just deal with this and i am far from happy.
- Date posted
- 13w
I just read a post that said “people with ROCD know they love their partners” right when I read it I got this horrible anxiety feeling rush down into my stomach. My partner asked me to be his girlfriend in December and literally since that night It’s like a switch of doubt turned on and I was suffering with consistent doubt about loving my partner, I felt like I didn’t feel anything anymore and I didn’t know what to do and through out the past months it has been an absolute wave of things going on. He is aware of my ocd and in a way I’m glad that this happened because I have had harm ocd for the past 4-5 years and had no idea what it was until 2 months ago when I got an OCD therapist, I just thought I was crazy so I’m happy to know I’m not. Buuuuttt back to the ROCD, my main thoughts and feelings are about not feeling like i love my partner anymore and if we’re compatible, I hyper fixate on the weight he’s gained in the past few months and all the bad food he eats, I think about if our lives even align, we have very different views on some things but are we too different, what if we really don’t know each other at all and we thought we did because we’ve been best friends for 10 years. This is so frustrating because I’ve gotten to the point where my anxiety is barely there, I was have constant outrageous anxiety for 3-4 months and now I’ve gotten to this numb, I literally feel absolutely nothing feeling and it’s not even with just my boyfriend it’s with everything, I just don’t feel happy with anything anymore, I feel like there’s something wrong with me. We got into an argument the other day about how rude I was and I didn’t even feel sad or apologetic when he was talking to me about it, and I couldn’t stop crying, like I just don’t feel anything. I feel like there’s something really wrong with me. All I can describe it as is “blank” does that make sense? I feel like a bad person and I feel like we’re going to break up and I can tell how sad he is. All I do know is that I don’t want to break up. But anytime I think about him or anything along the lines of my ROCD everything like freaks me out. I like scream “NO” and “STOP” in my head all the time. But it’s starting to really feel real. I’m so scared, and now I read that post that said that “people with ROCD know they love their partner” but WHAT IF I DONT KNOW!!! I WANT TO LOVE MY PARTNER. I want to feel the love I had for him before this all started. We were so happy, and we didn’t even get the honey moon phase because my ROCD started right when we made it official. This is seriously so crippling.
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