Good evening and happy Sunday OCD warriors!! This is my first time making public of what I’ve been going through but I’ve struggled my whole life with OCD and it’s themes. I’m currently dealing with ROCD, primarily partner focused OCD and everything ROCD entails. It started off as me seeing a photo of my gf (almost a year together) and thinking that she was unattractive. I felt so guilty and thought how could I think this of my partner? This ended up to me obsessing over my partners flaws and I was convinced that my partner was unattractive and atrocious (OCD always blows things out of proportion) It got to the point where I started questioning if I loved my partner or not, feeling so real and convinced that I didn’t. I know this is reassurance but I just want to know if I’m the only one out there feeling this? I feel like my feelings have changed and I feel repulsed by my partner and I have terrible thoughts/feelings where I don’t want to be around them anymore or what if I am annoyed by them and everything they do will set me off? I know OCD has tricks but it feels so real and I can’t tell if I am in denial and maybe my partner is not right for me? I want to be with my partner so bad but it seems like my body is rejecting even the thought of her :(

You are not alone!! I am currently struggling with ROCD and have gone through the exact same things you are experiencing. I have been with my now husband for a little over 4 years and ROCD showed its nasty head about one month before my wedding after I had an intrusive thought that I may have found someone else attractive which MUST have meant I didn’t actually love my significant other. I became bed ridden with anxiety. Lost 20 pounds and genuinely couldn’t leave my house! I almost quit my job. Finally I found NOCD and realized what I was dealing with. I got a therapist and began ERP! I still struggle but I am an slowly improving!! Let me know if you need any help or advice! Like I said, I am still in the midst of it but I am improving! In order to get better, you have to put in the hard work.

Thank you so much Jeanie for your response!! I feel hopeful that there is someone going through the same thing as me and that I am not alone. I am so sorry to hear that you’re also going through this evil ROCD, it’s so evil. I’m so sorry to hear everything that you’ve been though but you’re so strong and I’m so glad that you’re getting better with ERP and a therapist! I also just started ERP with a therapist at NOCD and it scares me because I’ve felt the anxiety go down which makes it feel like the intrusive thoughts/feelings are real and it’s truly how I feel. Did you feel this? Also, how do you deal with the horrible feelings of being repulsed with your partner and lack of feelings/interest towards them?! Thank you so much

@Anonymous Absolutely no problem at all! It’s devastating and so, so hard. I have felt with harm OCD in the past and that was awful but it doesn’t compare at all to the pain that has come with questioning wether I’m in love with my partner anymore. It truly is the worst thing I have ever experienced and I’m also so sorry you’re dealing with it! I have good an bad days and that is normal! I felt repulsed by my husband for weeks. I felt so guilty because we all had Covid and he was hit with it hard! I’m normally very attentive and caring towards him especially if he’s sick but I was just annoyed at him. Anytime he would cough I would just get super angry and that is totally unlike me. I felt nauseous looking at him and and oh my gosh the HEARTACHE that came with all those horrible emotions. The only thing I have found helpful is not doing compulsions! I purposely would sit with my husband and welcome the horrible pain and thoughts. ERP is HUGE for recovery. I’ve written horrible short stories about my husband and not being attracted to him and is breaking up! All kinds of things to get my anxiety stirring and learning how to sit with it until it eventually gets easier to handle! The hardest part for me honestly is the mental compulsions. I haven’t quite figured out how to stop the mental checking. I find myself anticipating how I’ll “feel” when I see him or were being intamate. It’s hard but letting yourself be scared is the fix! You have to say “maybe the thoughts ARE real.” Welcome it as a possibility! I’ve also seen people say to name your OCD give it a silly name to make it not so scary! For example, when you get an intrusive thought, brush it off by saying in your head “ohhhh look, doubting Deborah is back again.”

@Jeanie12 Thank you so so much for this Jeanie!! This has truly helped me in so many ways, I feel hopeful and have light towards the end of this dark dark tunnel. I can’t explain how accurate you are with everything that you have felt or thought! I do the same mental compulsions too! How will I “feel” when I see my partner? Am I going to be annoyed when I see them? Are they going to look unattractive today? Will I be able to handle it? Etc. I am going to implement what you have mentioned and really practice the short stories more! One thing that has sort of helped/been difficult is just leaning into the acceptance “hey, maybe I don’t love them” “maybe I don’t find my partner attractive” “maybe I am feeling super annoyed by them” and sort of agreeing with the intrusive thoughts/feelings. We can do this!!!

@AdonisG Yes!! We absolutely can! It is so hard! And it takes dedication and motivation to get through it! Just remember that it is normal to sometimes feel worse before things begin to get better. And you will have good and bad days! Even in a “good day” I still anticipate the feelings coming back at any moment. It’s like im always on high alert. 🙄 Some things that happen to me while I’m agreeing and leaning into the thoughts is extreme guilt and fear that if I agree with it, it might ACTUALLY become true. Which just means that I have a lot more agreeing to do until that fear becomes irrelevant to my brain. My husband hasn’t ever given me any reason to think im not supposed to be with him. So I’m here to fight! 💕