- Date posted
- 3y
- Date posted
- 3y
You are not alone!! I am currently struggling with ROCD and have gone through the exact same things you are experiencing. I have been with my now husband for a little over 4 years and ROCD showed its nasty head about one month before my wedding after I had an intrusive thought that I may have found someone else attractive which MUST have meant I didn’t actually love my significant other. I became bed ridden with anxiety. Lost 20 pounds and genuinely couldn’t leave my house! I almost quit my job. Finally I found NOCD and realized what I was dealing with. I got a therapist and began ERP! I still struggle but I am an slowly improving!! Let me know if you need any help or advice! Like I said, I am still in the midst of it but I am improving! In order to get better, you have to put in the hard work.
- Date posted
- 3y
Thank you so much Jeanie for your response!! I feel hopeful that there is someone going through the same thing as me and that I am not alone. I am so sorry to hear that you’re also going through this evil ROCD, it’s so evil. I’m so sorry to hear everything that you’ve been though but you’re so strong and I’m so glad that you’re getting better with ERP and a therapist! I also just started ERP with a therapist at NOCD and it scares me because I’ve felt the anxiety go down which makes it feel like the intrusive thoughts/feelings are real and it’s truly how I feel. Did you feel this? Also, how do you deal with the horrible feelings of being repulsed with your partner and lack of feelings/interest towards them?! Thank you so much
- Date posted
- 3y
@Anonymous Absolutely no problem at all! It’s devastating and so, so hard. I have felt with harm OCD in the past and that was awful but it doesn’t compare at all to the pain that has come with questioning wether I’m in love with my partner anymore. It truly is the worst thing I have ever experienced and I’m also so sorry you’re dealing with it! I have good an bad days and that is normal! I felt repulsed by my husband for weeks. I felt so guilty because we all had Covid and he was hit with it hard! I’m normally very attentive and caring towards him especially if he’s sick but I was just annoyed at him. Anytime he would cough I would just get super angry and that is totally unlike me. I felt nauseous looking at him and and oh my gosh the HEARTACHE that came with all those horrible emotions. The only thing I have found helpful is not doing compulsions! I purposely would sit with my husband and welcome the horrible pain and thoughts. ERP is HUGE for recovery. I’ve written horrible short stories about my husband and not being attracted to him and is breaking up! All kinds of things to get my anxiety stirring and learning how to sit with it until it eventually gets easier to handle! The hardest part for me honestly is the mental compulsions. I haven’t quite figured out how to stop the mental checking. I find myself anticipating how I’ll “feel” when I see him or were being intamate. It’s hard but letting yourself be scared is the fix! You have to say “maybe the thoughts ARE real.” Welcome it as a possibility! I’ve also seen people say to name your OCD give it a silly name to make it not so scary! For example, when you get an intrusive thought, brush it off by saying in your head “ohhhh look, doubting Deborah is back again.”
- Date posted
- 3y
@Jeanie12 Thank you so so much for this Jeanie!! This has truly helped me in so many ways, I feel hopeful and have light towards the end of this dark dark tunnel. I can’t explain how accurate you are with everything that you have felt or thought! I do the same mental compulsions too! How will I “feel” when I see my partner? Am I going to be annoyed when I see them? Are they going to look unattractive today? Will I be able to handle it? Etc. I am going to implement what you have mentioned and really practice the short stories more! One thing that has sort of helped/been difficult is just leaning into the acceptance “hey, maybe I don’t love them” “maybe I don’t find my partner attractive” “maybe I am feeling super annoyed by them” and sort of agreeing with the intrusive thoughts/feelings. We can do this!!!
- Date posted
- 3y
@AdonisG Yes!! We absolutely can! It is so hard! And it takes dedication and motivation to get through it! Just remember that it is normal to sometimes feel worse before things begin to get better. And you will have good and bad days! Even in a “good day” I still anticipate the feelings coming back at any moment. It’s like im always on high alert. 🙄 Some things that happen to me while I’m agreeing and leaning into the thoughts is extreme guilt and fear that if I agree with it, it might ACTUALLY become true. Which just means that I have a lot more agreeing to do until that fear becomes irrelevant to my brain. My husband hasn’t ever given me any reason to think im not supposed to be with him. So I’m here to fight! 💕
- Date posted
- 3y
Thank you so much for this Jeanie! ❤️ Yes, one of the hardest things is to stay motivated when my terrible instructive thoughts convince me that my partner is not worth fighting for and just sees the worst in them. I am really really fighting fo her and will continue to do so :) I hope you have a wonderful Monday and thank you so much again for all of your wisdom on ROCD!!!
Related posts
- Date posted
- 24w
Hello. I am on my first relationship, (and I want it to be my only!) I've been at it for nearly 2 years, and it first starting happening a few months in. When the relationship started, it felt perfect to me. We are both extremely different people, we have different taste, different humor (but we both made each other laugh!) and just a different way of talking about things, (I tend to be more analytical, while she isn't as much). But I considered these differences to be fine, I never felt like it was an issue because our core values are very similar and I consider her a very intelligent girl. We just enjoyed time together, and each other, I thought she was cute as hell, and even if she didn't talk in depth about a lot of stuff, that didn't matter, I enjoyed the quiet times with her just as much as the talkative times. When the OCD kicked in, that's when I started to question everything, I questioned if I even loved her in the first place, if our relationship was just a sham, if I even found her attractive in the first place, her intelligence, her point of view, even dumb petty stuff like "oh she likes THAT movie???". After my first major breakdown, I confessed a lot to her. At this point, I didn't even know what was going on until I started to look into it. And that's where I found ROCD. On one hand, it was satisfying to see something I could point to as "the problem", on the other hand, I think it gave me bad motivation, it reassured me that this was something that I could just try and ignore. After I cooled down from this, I once again had a long period of bliss. I had a good schedule with her. >Go to work >Hang out with her (spend the night at her place sometimes) >go home and hang out with friends I enjoyed my time with her, taking part in her interests, and her taking part in mine. She wasn't always 100% into the things that I was, and that was always a bit disappointing to me, but in the same way you'd be disappointed if your friend didn't like the thing you liked. (now I over analyze these moments and question if I did always care more about this or not) This moment of bliss would end after another huge trigger. A part of the OCD I have yet to mention is my tendency to be worried that "getting along with other people that I find attractive" is the equivalent of either cheating on my partner, or backstabbing them. There was someone at work that I found attractive and I had a moment where it felt like I may have developed a thing for them, I still don't know if it's true because I generally found them to be annoying at times. I made a joke during work, that felt like I was propping myself up to them, I still don't know my motivation behind this joke, because it feels like it could have been something that I would have joked about to anyone, but I'm still not even sure about it. Either way I basically had a panic attack and later confessed to my partner. I don't know if I should have done it, or not, because I'm to this day confused about my emotions during that situation. Regardless. She was hurt, but she forgave me. It felt like I couldn't look her in the eye and feel like a sincere person to her. After this major moment, I felt like I never recovered. I started to avoid talking to this person at work, or really many women at work at all because of the fear that I'd fall for them. When an attractive women shows up I try and end the conversation quickly, this has only created a fear for taking to people, and it's extremely stressful. I got by though. And I would continue to love my partner. Until another major breakdown. This one created a new type of numbness to my partner, that felt completely different, and it's way more convincing. I mentioned in the past that my partner and I are very different, and that we even have different ways of talking about interests. My partner very much enjoys things for what they are, there's not much analysis, and that's fine. Me (and my friends) are very analytical. Last month I was showing her a game I like, and I started to question if she was even tracking what was going on, or even understood it, I was obsessing over the idea that she didn't even care about it (even tho I know she has always taken interest in what I like). This way of thought broke my brain and it made me feel completely incompatible with her. I question my behavior when I was showing her stuff in the past, I remember moments in which I questioned if she was actually paying attention even during moments when the OCD was low. I question if she has the ability to even watch something and understand what's going on. All terrible thoughts, and all thoughts that I never want to have. I'm scared to talk to my friends half the time because the thoughts of them being more "intelligent and analytical" pulsate through my brain. My friends and I are extremely cynical, about things like the film industry and sometimes if I'm going in on something it feels like I'm shitting on her by proxy just because she doesn't care about it as much as I do. I've isolated myself from friends and I think that did worsen my condition, because when it's just only me and my partner hanging out, I feel like it started attacking her more. This is the part where it just doesn't feel like ROCD anymore. I used to not give a single shit about these things, I was able to make blanket statements like "I think TikTok sucks and it's users are annoying" knowing full well my partner uses TikTok every day. There was a separation between me making broad statements and then not necessarily being indictive of my partner SPECIFICALLY. Now it doesn't feel like I have much anxiety anymore, because it just feels like I've accepted that my partner is who she is and I "don't know if I love her" when in the past, I've accepted my partner for who she is, and I loved her anyway. I feel like I'm just not as connected to her as I once was. I used to enjoy everything with her, now my brain overanalyzes everything she does and says. I can't just relax. I feel like I've lost any amount of structure and this turned into a ramble. But I guess that's where I'm at now. I've been attempting getting proper health insurance so I can talk to someone and not break the bank. I think about the times when none of these ridiculous nitpicks didn't matter to me, and I cry about the idea of leaving her. Thank you for reading.
- Date posted
- 22w
For the past 3 months ish I’ve been struggling on and off with this anxiety and fixation over my relationship. To wondering if i still have feelings for an old friend, wondering if i actually love him, wondering if the thoughts are all real and im just trying to cover it up with ocd. It sucks, when im talking to my boyfriend i feel fine. The words i love you and talks about the future come naturally. I can’t imagine myself with anyone but him. But this constant rumination on my relationship is KILLING me and I’m scared it’s going to ruin what i have. It makes me numb and disconnected which therefore makes me believe the thoughts even more. They just feel so real sometimes and it’s so scary like why can i not just enjoy it. We’ve been together for a while so i know there’s periods of like feelings ebb and flowing but this is so much more. It’s just constantly sitting on my chest with anxiety. My compulsions are coming on this app, looking at photos of us and confessing it to him. He’s very understanding and helpful. I love him so much. I just need help / I’m also just starting new meds as well ..
- Date posted
- 19w
Hello, I unknowingly have lived with ROCD or OCD (not sure what one. I’m new to this). It has ruined so many amazing romantic and platonic relationships and I am so sad that just now I am finding out what the hell is wrong with me. Maybe life would be different if I have known. My OCD and anxiety is at an all time high (ATH) due to some horrible events that have happened in the recent months. I am at the point where paranoia has taken over my life now. I had my first panic attack a few weeks ago where I fainted. My anxiety attacks are so extreme I go thought cognitive distortion that has lasted days. My girlfriend of 3 years is my emotional guardian and she no long has the energy to be that and honestly it’s not her responsibility to be that. She is bi and wanted to have an open relationship and for someone who has OCD this has not been good for me. She also was assaulted in my own home by a good friend of ours when I was out of town but it’s not a clear situation because it sounded consensual at first. I just left my very high paying job. I am financially secure but the job was emotionally abusive and looking back made my OCD worse. I am taking some time off to get my head right…but now, all I have to do during the day is live in my OCD. I’m very happy I finally figured out why I act the way I do but I don’t know if I can get better quick enough to save my relationship. I have never been so worried about myself (M 28 years old). I am a confident young professional and never thought I would be writing on a page like this. Anyway…I hope it gets better.
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