Drew777Hi. Was thinking about you yesterday. Praying everything is okay with you. My therapist messaged me and apologized for the way her post sounded about the weekend. She said she really wanted to work with me and help me. So tomorrow I will have my first ERP session with her. I did go back and read where the therapists are here to help us with the ERP's and be there anytime we need them. BTW, we are in Orting, WA now. Got here at 6:30 last night. Had a rough night sleeping. The bed is so soft, so my lower back is bothering me. And yes, I'm still anxious about tomorrow. When I read on here where some people wonder if they will ever get well, and then I remember my husband telling me that some Dr's and people in the medical field told him maybe he should put me in a home. That was when this started three years ago. I don't know, maybe he should have. It didn't help going through the covid thing either, and still going through it. And I don't really fear it, but a lot of stuff about the end of the world. I guess I fear it a little, because I would like to be healthy when it comes. I know that probably doesn't make any sense. I hope this posts for everyone to see. I could use lots of fist pumps for strength and prayers 🙏

I know I keep talking about this and I swear I’m not trying to be annoying but over the weekend I had gotten some new Clorox wipes because I was running low on some at home. I noticed when I came home I still had 2 half full containers left. When I got home everything was fine until I accidentally knocked my setting spray off my bathroom counter. Now mind you I had 2 warts on my foot about 4 months ago and my ocd makes it worse by making me believe the virus is still on the floor. Immediately when it dropped, I cleaned it with a Clorox wipe. This is where it went down hill and my brain started to spiral. After disinfecting my setting spray, I started second guessing if the Clorox I used on it was from the same container I used for the shower floor. I usually wear gloves before getting a Clorox wipe and sometimes I don’t. I was trying to do “ERP” and instead of washing my hands 3x… I just washed it for about 5 seconds . I then put my lipliner and gloss on and now I feel like I contaminated my lipliner. I threw my lipliner in my makeup bag and my makeup bag has a blush brush , hilighter brush and some other makeup stuff. I just wanna throw that whole bag out now. It’s exhausting and this might seem dramatic but I couldn’t get out of bed because all I could think about was everything being contaminated in my bathroom. I leave for Florida in 3 days and I’m freaking out because everything isn’t going how I want it to. I’m just exhausted. I just bought some new Clorox wipes from Kroger and one of the Clorox dropped on the floor and now I think that’s contaminated and now I’m confused which one fell on the floor and which one didn’t. They were next to eachother and I forgot that fast. 😞☹️ Before going to Kroger I felt like god was talking to me or my intuition and telling me don’t get another one. So now my minds making me feel like it dropped on the floor on purpose. Idk know if it’s god talking to me or my ocd. I was sleeping all day because I don’t wanna get up and go in my bathroom and I don’t even wanna put my makeup on because I don’t wanna take a chance of getting a wart on my face. I never did a deep clean after my wart but I have used so much Clorox in the bathroom to just to dinsifect. I’m still nervous to even do a deep clean because I feel like I’m going to pick up the virus or bacteria. Also if there’s any Christian’s reading this I would appreciate just a prayer bc I’m tired and exhausted which I know seems funny from being in my bed all day. But mentally I’m exhausted. I don’t even wanna go to Florida anymore. I know the only way to get a wart is to get it from skin to skin contact. Oh! I almost forgot I had a dentist appt today and this girl was shadowing my dentist and she greeted me and shook my hand. It happned so fast. I didn’t go home right away and wash my hands and I’m freaking out about that too. I’m just overwhelmed . 😞 I know this was long and I appreciate you reading.

Hello everyone. Good morning to you all. This week has been tough for me. I've had a hard time keeping my head up. Every day, I wake up at 5 or so with intense feelings of dread. Shaking, racing thoughts, gagging, struggling to focus and get through work, intense feeling of panic, face flushing, wired but tired. I've been really going through it. And this is extra painful because: 1. I am doing better than I've done in a while. I've made plans and kept to them. 2. I've gotten great news this week about a potential job opportunity. It's a long-term plan, but I'm looking forward to the future like I haven't in months. (My OCD has mainly centered around work uncertainty) 3. My attitude is great. I'm not despairing. I know the morning anxiety is caused morning cortisol. I know my body may just be sensitized. I'm not actually panicking. I'm approaching the doom and gloom thoughts as I believe I should most of the time. So, what's going on? Here's my encouragement to you. This kind of anxiety is a lie. It has no bearing on reality. What I mean is when I wake up shaking, there is no actual danger. My fight or flight response is activating when there is nothing to fight and nothing to fly from. Why? Because my body is sensitized. I spent months waking up every day in a panic, giving in to intrusive thoughts, struggling with compulsions. I don't blame myself for this. It all happened very suddenly and I had no idea what was going on. Once I did, I started fighting it. But damage has been done. And damage takes time to heal. Every time I panicked, I reenforced that fight or flight response. I told my body it was right to panic. And so, now, it is sensitized. It responds with an unusual and inappropriate amount of panic to everything, especially mornings. What I try to remember, and encourage you to remember as well, is this: It takes time to heal. It is very easy for me to start to panic or despair. After all, I feel like I'm doing everything right. Obviously, there are things I can improve on, but I'm getting better. I'm starting to eat better. I'm exercising more. I'm floating through the anxiety. I'm cutting out compulsions. My job prospects are looking up. My relationship with my spouse and family is great. So why? Why? Why? Stop. Don't panic. Remember. You can do absolutely everything right. Anxiety can still come. That's what I mean when is said anxiety is a lie. It is. It's lying to you. You're just sensitized. Remember that it takes time to heal. It doesn't happen overnight. Don't let anxiety control your actions. Don't let it cause you stress and keep you in that cycle. Don't freak out when your heart races or you feel a surge of energy and you want to do anything to escape. Sit in that anxiety and let it pass by as it wishes. If you keep this up, it will get better. You'll become less sensitized. You'll have less anxiety. And when you do have it, it will bother you less, and less, and less. It just takes time. The biggest breakthroughs are often proceeded by the greatest struggles. Don't stop doing the right thing just because it doesn't "feel" good. Feelings are liers. Do what you're supposed to do despite the feelings. Keep up the good work. You're closer to success than you think. Go do something fun today. I'm going to go to the mall and I'm going to live in the present moment, whether anxiety is there or not. Thank you for reading. I am praying for you all.

(This post discusses Religion/spirituality in regards to Christianity. And thus touches on some Christian themes. But you dont need to be christian to read it/ or even benefit from it. So whatever walk of life your from and if your willing to give it a shot I hope it brings you some comfort too.) Hello soldier, how goes the day? But really OCD can make everyday feel like an uphill battle, and even at the end of the day you don't really feel like you won. Wherever your at in your journey today, know your not alone. I'm here talk about something specific, and if you've read the tags, you can probably take a guess. I have Religious OCD and a lot of other ones that interconnect with it. It wasn't always this way, but it has been the heart of my OCD struggle for the last decade. The battle has waxed and waned for that time but it has been terrible for over a year. Today I have spent trying to connect with God despite my OCD, and all my other issues. (Dont misunderstand me, ocd is a big part of my struggle-and it only to serves to exacerbate my other questions and worries.) Today I've tried to understand that God can handle my dirt and shame. And won't walk away even when I stop believing im not a lost cause.-and hey if you ever struggle to believe that God hasn't given up on you, your not alone. But im here to talk about something I've found in the last while. If your on this website then you know now that OCD is not something your alone with-despite knowing this it can be very hard to believe somebody has the exact same issues as you- and the more shameful it is-the less people want to talk about it. But GOOD NEWS- some of the people on this journey happen to be very brave (maybe you and me aren't feeling very brave right now, but thats okay too.) So I took the time this evening to look up some things about Christians with religious OCD. Because it is one thing entirely to know that OCD affects people from all walks of life. It is another thing to hear your thoughts come from someone else's mouth. So im gonna touch on a couple things I learned/relearned a few minutes ago. 1. Does your OCD make you question your salvation? If so, your not alone-this is something that a lot of people struggle with-and it can feel very scary. 2. Do you struggle to stop your compulsions? I think this is something we all struggle with no matter your OCD subtype. I have often tried to stop my compulsions ot even just delay them for a bit....but the guilt/shame creeps up on me, and i give after a bit because it's like a bird pecking on the inside of my skull-and then I feel increased guilt for trying to delay in the first place-its that little voice that says 'why did you tarry on the way to repentance.' (Yeah that voice is fantastic, it can actively impede your recovery to a stuttering halt if you let it. ) 3. All of our doubts leading back to one question. 'What if it's not just OCD?' Again I think this is something we all struggle with, but it can be especially difficult to deal with when your subtype has less physical evidence to go off of. Here's an example: when I was between the ages 5-10 my ocd centered around getting sick. Due to an incorrect allergy test-it was thought I had a dairy allergy. For almost 5 years I was on a dairy free diet. But, like I said the allergy test was incorrect. Nevertheless reincorporating dairy into my diet was a struggle. But it was less of one because I could active progress. The first time I drank milk was terrifying, but each time after that was easier and easier as I saw nothing happened. As much as I wish I could apply that to this subtype of OCD it's very difficult when there's nothing I can really do to be certain I have not sinned. (And im sure some other subtypes have the same problem) and so the question arises "What if it's not just OCD?" The what ifs will kill you-tonight i read how it's one of OCD favorite and most effective ways to keeping us trapped. (Feel scared and unsure-me too) I wish I could explain it the way I read about it if only to try and help you all understand. But the bottom line is this is another way OCD has disguised itself to make it look like a real threat. In closing (Land sakes alive, this was a long post and im still not sure if I made my point or not) all that doubt and fear your feeling-yeah dont let OCD use that against you anymore than it already has. (For a long time I've kinda looked down on ERP. Even if it worked for others, I didn't think it would work for me because how could this every be less scary with no physical reassurence -or worse what if by getting rid of my fear I tore down the one thing protecting me from actually acting on those thoughts. Tonight I feel hopeful again, if only a little (maybe even hopeful enough to give ERP a try)....and if your as tired, ashamed,sad, and weary as I am. I wanted to try and give you a little hope too. And if your feeling as lost as I was a bit ago try looking up some blogs from someone people who have your subtype-it is strangely effective to hear someone talk about fighting with doubts and recovery when you dont always feel sure it's possible. Good night brave adventurers....I dont know if today had more victories or losses for you but we're still here so it's not over yet.