I watched straight porn… knowing full well I was focused on the women but my mind always tells me I was focused on the man and want the guy. Now I’m thinking have I always been focused on the guy this entire time? Maybe I have I really don’t know anymore. But it just sounds like denial.

I keep having this weird feeling none stop that it’s most likely not HOCD and most my feelings. Like I’ve suffered none stop distress and unwanted thoughts the past few days. But those thoughts after a bit just feel weird not the kind of discomfort but are just their and stale. When I look at a guy I don’t feel anything but my thoughts sometimes compliment his looks or personality which makes me doubt my sexuality. I’ve never felt this weirded out. Because I’ve always been straight and still believe I am but I’ve never even had an emotional connection to someone of the opposite gender in fact. My view of the female body has been ruined with none stop pornography addictions. I don’t believe I’m gay but I feel like it may just be denial instead of HOCD but all my symptoms are literally HOCD. I don’t hate the idea of gay people but I can’t imagine or see my heart going off to like someone of the same sex. I haven’t really had any meaningful real life friends besides online but that also ended a few months ago. My only friend ever online that was my friend for the longest of time was a queer but I never really cared about what he liked. Like yes at some point I did try to challenge him with his own feelings but that didn’t last long I just accepted what he liked and moved on. I’ve never even touched let alone held a long conversation with a female. I’ve always been timid and shy around them but I can just say that towards male as well. The gay feelings feel so real. The thoughts feel a bit natural to me but I don’t want this. But I hate how I can’t just move on and be myself and love women when those thoughts demand attention and an answer. It won’t quit it. If I try to do a compulsion it calms down but it quickly becomes a problem again. I’m lonely I don’t have any friends or past relationships I can even think of helping me with the emotions. I still believe I’m straight and I just can’t see myself with a guy. It just doesn’t feel right for me despite my lack of experiences. I just wanna go back to how I was happy and loving girls and not having to question if it was a real feeling or just my natural timid nature. Everytime I think these distressing thoughts I always just wanna sit down and close my eyes and sleep. Because that’s where I can have peace of self. It sucks but I’m so exhausted of having to deal with emotional distress and I can’t even focus on my job as much. I want to meet new people discover my love for women again but I’m scared in the process I may discover I may be gay. Because deep down I know I wouldn’t ever be happy with myself if my greatest fears where confirmed. My dream of always being a father with a loving women and kids would be torn away by something I never asked for. Yes I’m religious, yes I come from a place that homosexuals are usually seen in a bad light. I just hate feeling this emotion that I may not be what I thought and having my dreams torn apart maybe true. I’ve read MUTIPLE articles about HOCD and seen MUTIPLE videos. I’ve come to the realization that I most likely have it. But it’s still hard when the feelings of maybe being gay maybe true you know? I hope I get better I hope I don’t suffer. I just wanna be happy with myself and loving females and I don’t wanna hate myself for feeling an emotion that never occurred to me more then a few times.

I was watching a porn videi a whike back and intent was to look at the woman. I clicked on the video and tbe camera was up close so i couldnt distinguish who as the man and woman up close because it wasnt their faces but their butt. Once the camera adjusted and i realized it was the mans butt not the womans i felt sick to my stomach and anxios. It happened a long time ago so i dont recall every detail but i rememwbr the anxiety, stress, guilt and anger i felt. Im sure j was upset and changed the video. Ocd tries rk make me doubt this and sats im gay because of this and then tries to attack me with not only hocd but rocd saying i was unfaithful for eatching porn and worse tbat i was watchibg n doing tge deed to the guys butt. I thought it was the womans n when i realized it wasnt i was anxious and mad. It happened long sgo i dont recall the details sk ocd is making me diubt. Im not gay and i know my intention was ti see the woman and fantasize of my wife. Then ocd says i lije thr guys beard so it neans i was arousing over him. Or thoughts that he’s handsome so it means i was arousing over him. U cant control my thoughts but i kniw im not gay. And my intentions were to see and arouse over the woman and fantasize over my wife. I know ocd wants me tk diubt the memory but i know who i am and i dont arouse over men. Im pretty sure when i realized jt was the man butt not the woman i was angrg embarrased felt anxiety and changed the video to one where it was the womans body part and that i can better distinguish between the man and female so it wkukdnt hallen again because i dont want to arouse over a mans butt only a womans. I was driving and had the memory kf this and then the ocd made me doubt and question the memory and said im gay and unfaithful ti my wife and all the intrusive thoughts. I think i recall telling my theralist sbout this after it happened. I recalk vyt icd is making me doubt this too. I know who i am and i know the fact this was an random intrusive thought turning into a real event false memory with doubts anxiety snd guilt shows its ocd. And the anxiety around the thought of arousing to the man makes me sick to my stomach and like ny therapist said i know im not gay and im not living two lives. I just thought it was a womans butt and ciuldnt tell that close up and when i realized it wasnt i was anxious.

Has anyone experienced where you love woman everything about them, even to the point where you still can get erections watching normal porn, lesbian porn etc. but you find your self still admiring a good looking man. I’ve went through the groinal responses when seeing a man but honestly after watching porn and realizing it’s not about sex it went away. On the other hand even when there’s a male and a female in a picture I can’t stop looking at the male and judging, but the minute they’re naked I’m fine and looking at the woman. I started watching porn at a very young age so I’m wondering do I only sexualize woman and admire the man so in everyday life I don’t see her as beautiful because she’s not naked ? I understand as a straight male I can still think guys are attractive but why do I constantly notice them more than women? I also can admire and see when a girl is beautiful in the face but then if a dude that’s more attractive than me pops up in staring at him. Has anyone experience this?