I watched straight porn… knowing full well I was focused on the women but my mind always tells me I was focused on the man and want the guy. Now I’m thinking have I always been focused on the guy this entire time? Maybe I have I really don’t know anymore. But it just sounds like denial.

I was watching a porn videi a whike back and intent was to look at the woman. I clicked on the video and tbe camera was up close so i couldnt distinguish who as the man and woman up close because it wasnt their faces but their butt. Once the camera adjusted and i realized it was the mans butt not the womans i felt sick to my stomach and anxios. It happened a long time ago so i dont recall every detail but i rememwbr the anxiety, stress, guilt and anger i felt. Im sure j was upset and changed the video. Ocd tries rk make me doubt this and sats im gay because of this and then tries to attack me with not only hocd but rocd saying i was unfaithful for eatching porn and worse tbat i was watchibg n doing tge deed to the guys butt. I thought it was the womans n when i realized it wasnt i was anxious and mad. It happened long sgo i dont recall the details sk ocd is making me diubt. Im not gay and i know my intention was ti see the woman and fantasize of my wife. Then ocd says i lije thr guys beard so it neans i was arousing over him. Or thoughts that he’s handsome so it means i was arousing over him. U cant control my thoughts but i kniw im not gay. And my intentions were to see and arouse over the woman and fantasize over my wife. I know ocd wants me tk diubt the memory but i know who i am and i dont arouse over men. Im pretty sure when i realized jt was the man butt not the woman i was angrg embarrased felt anxiety and changed the video to one where it was the womans body part and that i can better distinguish between the man and female so it wkukdnt hallen again because i dont want to arouse over a mans butt only a womans. I was driving and had the memory kf this and then the ocd made me doubt and question the memory and said im gay and unfaithful ti my wife and all the intrusive thoughts. I think i recall telling my theralist sbout this after it happened. I recalk vyt icd is making me doubt this too. I know who i am and i know the fact this was an random intrusive thought turning into a real event false memory with doubts anxiety snd guilt shows its ocd. And the anxiety around the thought of arousing to the man makes me sick to my stomach and like ny therapist said i know im not gay and im not living two lives. I just thought it was a womans butt and ciuldnt tell that close up and when i realized it wasnt i was anxious.

Has anyone experienced where you love woman everything about them, even to the point where you still can get erections watching normal porn, lesbian porn etc. but you find your self still admiring a good looking man. I’ve went through the groinal responses when seeing a man but honestly after watching porn and realizing it’s not about sex it went away. On the other hand even when there’s a male and a female in a picture I can’t stop looking at the male and judging, but the minute they’re naked I’m fine and looking at the woman. I started watching porn at a very young age so I’m wondering do I only sexualize woman and admire the man so in everyday life I don’t see her as beautiful because she’s not naked ? I understand as a straight male I can still think guys are attractive but why do I constantly notice them more than women? I also can admire and see when a girl is beautiful in the face but then if a dude that’s more attractive than me pops up in staring at him. Has anyone experience this?

TW: porn mentioned When I was younger around 18-19 or maybe younger, I stumbled across some porn labeled as 'teen'. I don't remember if I watched it or get scared away by 'teen', but I then searched for porn something like '18-teen years old', I wanted to make sure it was legal. Now I'm spiraling that I did it because I wanted to see someone younger. Or what my intentions could possibly be? It happened for once or I cannot remembered searching something similar ever again. I've always preferred bigger more masculine men, but why I did that then? I had active porn addiction since I was 9 or I'm afraid younger, watched some things that I regret watching... And now I'm 23 and don't watch it all for like 3 years, because I found out that it was unethical. When I was little I preferred BDSM porn and everyone was very mature and I did not watched anything questionable with real people, but some weird fictional stuff, but didn't like it. Now that I remember this I'm very confused and don't know how to continue living with that. I'm just done...