I watched straight porn… knowing full well I was focused on the women but my mind always tells me I was focused on the man and want the guy. Now I’m thinking have I always been focused on the guy this entire time? Maybe I have I really don’t know anymore. But it just sounds like denial.

I think that’s a big thing, when you loose something you go finding it again and then you can’t find it. It feeds the OCD into thinking it was never there in the first place. And then I tell myself “when I met my partner I was so attached to her almost instantly” even when she’s tired or ill and everything I still think she’s beautiful. But the OCD has filled me up with these new feelings and urges for the same sex that I really am not compfortable with and in turn tbey are straining my current relationship. But with the anxiety medication it makes it even harder because the urges don’t feel like compulsions anymore tbey feel like a real me that I’m resisting

I’m really panicking now. I don’t know whether I ever loved her and just loved the idea of her and now looking back I even had compulsive friendships maybe just my whole life is based around compulsions.

I do feel at home with her. She feels like my safe space. And I’d not felt like that before.

But I feel like in the last few weeks as my OCD has been really bad that I feel sometimes dead towards her, numb almost. And it makes me angry… that I don’t feel how I did before. But she still feels like home to me. But now I’m worried that I just clinged to her to get over my parental abandonment as a child

Yeah like at the time maybe I did maybe I didn’t, but it didn’t make me want to be with the man? Now it’s like my OCD is using that as evidence that really I did.

Well that’s exactly it. In the past I was always happy with my sexuality and it’s like I’ve questioned it so much that it’s gone really deep. But now I can’t stop thinking about it. It’s all just “but this” and “what if”

Yes I completely agree, I feel like I ping from one answer to the next and I either don’t believe it or don’t like it. Whereas before this episode I was content