I read stories of women coming out as lesbian or bisexual, and I feel like there’s a sword hanging over my head. I’ve been fighting this for 10 years, and it feels like a losing battle. I genuinely don’t know how I feel about anything , and there are aspects of people’s journeys of self-discovery that I can relate to. I want so badly for this to be over, but if I give in I know that the thoughts are true.
For example you decided to be a lesbian, do you think your anxiety and uncertainty will go away?
I am pretty sure that you still won’t be sure and maybe feel even more anxious. Because that’s what ocd looks like. You will not get any answer by ruminating and analyzing. Just do erp and let this anxiety be)
I feel the same, i always worry there’s something wrong with me sexually. I want to enjoy sex, but I also have a great fear of it and just intimacy in general. I have a lot of false expectations and ideas around sex and arousal like “I need to be instantly aroused seeing my partner naked” and when these things don’t happen I freak out. You’re not alone
I struggle with this. There’s a lot of ‘pressure’ out there to absolutely love sex and always feel on top of the world about it. But I feel like for me I always enjoy it but the times where I feel ‘amazing’ are like 1/5? And that never used to bother me that was just the way it is. But with HOCD that becomes further evidence, on top of any other taboo you’ve felt in the past that in the moment you just brushed over. For example I would always watch straight porn and would be 90% focussed on the women, my ocd is now saying I’ve always been primarily focused on the man (even tho I know that’s not true). I’d never expressed a romantic interest for a guy. Now it’s like if I’m not utterly disgusted by a man my brain tells me that I must therefore be attracted to them. In a way I’ve sort of just given up, I want to go back to the way I felt about my girlfriend before HOCD/ROCD. But that prospect seems quite difficult when I look back at all the evidence, emotions and feelings I’ve had through this episode.