OCD is so bizarre. One minute I feel so sure that I know who I am. And I’m pleased that I know who I am with such conviction. And then, sometimes within a matter of seconds, that feeling of conviction just falls to pieces. I’m circling and circling around in my head, searching for pieces of certainty to get back to that place of a conviction. The same scenario plays in my head, where I’m stood still in freezing anxiety after having come to the realisation that I’m someone different to who I thought I was, all the intense crushes, relationships, daydreams I had about men were just illusory. I was never straight. I was always a latent lesbian. Reading that back to myself, I see how irrational it is. And I’ll admit, it’s relieving. But. What I described is based in reality for some people. The reason I have such a specific scenario play in my head is because I’ve heard it numerous times. Despite it being rare for someone to be gay and not know past puberty, the shred of possibility makes it so, so real to me. God.

But that’s how all of us with HOCD feel, that has to say something, doesn’t it? It’s either the case that all of us with HOCD are REALLY gay, or we’re not. And if you’re making that claim, you have to extrapolate that OCD is either real, or it isn’t. I’m gonna assume you think it’s real. What I find a lot of us with HOCD do, is treat ourselves as seperate from the pack during periods of intensity - with ‘this time it’s different’ etc etc. But, if that was the case the construct of HOCD wouldn’t exist, because we wouldn’t have OCD.

@Faye June I sometimes have this feeling that if I caught my HOCD earlier then maybe I wouldn’t have got to this stage now where I think I am gay but in denial? But the thing is they’re plenty of straight people out there who have had the same past experiences as me and I was compfortable with all of them up until now. I had never questioned my sexuality and actually when i think back to when I was very young I showed HOCD symptoms then. I feel as if I’ve gone to this one step further mode where I can’t go back to where I was because I’ve found so much evidence. I’ve thought this was so much that I even catch myself saying things in my head like “when I was straight” it’s as if my mind has already made its mind up .

@Faye June But most hocd sufferers say they clearly dont want these thoughts even if it makes them feel like they do, they know they dont. For me I dont know why I believed all the proof my brain came up with from my past but I did. I believe hocd is very real, and while Im sure I had it at one point it dosent feel like ocd anymore, It actually feels like I could act on these thoughts and like it. These thoughts dont feel ego dystonic anymore, or maybe they do I am not able to tell since it feels like Ive lost my identity. Ps: I like how you worded your thoughts :) forgive me If i didnt english isnt my mother tongue.