I dont even know what i am typing all i needed to hear is that i am not alone and will be okay. I have had hocd for about 2 years for the last few months its been bad and the one thing that stresses me the most is that i keep questioning my entire existence of ocd and trying to convince myself i am in denial and then freak out and have a panic attack about the same its like a foggy mess in my brain which does not help me think straight and i just try giving any reasons as to how its not hocd and denial and then again freak out and i am like all that is happening is am i doing it on purpose to rule out denial and then i think am i thinking even this on purpose and then its just this continuing vicious cycle that i cant get my mind out of. I question myself if i like these thoughts every second of the day and then when i say no my hocd questions that too with all kinds of reasoning and freak me out.When a thought pops up i am like oh why did i think this and then i am like but i did i think this on purpose or just like it happens in hocd it popped then my head convinces me that i thought this willingly and i am trying to run away from the acceptance and the rut begins again and thats the same with my dreams if i get such a dream i get anxious and then my brain tells me are you doing this on purpose or just acting anxious so that you can name this hocd and it says if you have dreamt if something it has to has meaning so your fear is true if at all i can convince my self its actually fear any thought is questioned as is it real or what is it making sense and like if you thought of it just like that that means you want something and I don’t want to puke at the thought now its just this constant question answer and then panic and anxiety at least thats what i think and hope it is, then my brain is like oh that happened so its real and then its like do you like it and i am forced to think like that i don’t know whats true or false anymore i just want this constant battle in my head to stop but it doesn’t and tries to convince me otherwise all the time when i say I don’t like it I don’t but then these thoughts and questions are so forced that i am thinking constantly what if i do. For the past few months my brain thinks were you faking this all this while and never had hocd or what is it. I cry and shiver but then my body goes like oh see that could be on purpose and same rut, also there’s this thing that some people come out later in life and then my brain is like what if you do what are you gonna do about it. Even while typing this freak me out i am like do I actually freak out or its just another denial thing. I genuinely don’t know what to do and I don’t understand i am tired of my foggy brain I don’t like these thoughts but then my mind is like what if you do and don’t wanna accept. Never tried anything physical its my brain saying what if you do and you like it and then i try so hard not to let my brain win but then again my mind is so confused that its just stopped working with reasoning only gives me these kinds of thoughts and then even while typing this i am like okay so what if you’re doing this to escape denial and not actually wanting to write this oh god what do i do this is just getting worse and even reassurance seeking now barely works for 2 seconds and the thoughts are back. Please help!!!!!