I went to see the people who havent spoken to me because of covid yesterday to get reassurance it wasnt because of my OCD. I feel terrible today.......the lady I spoke to was nice enough to me but I seriously think she is suffering from dementia. She helped me get over my OCD last time but when I asked her if it was because of my OCD they have fallen out with me she said...'OCD???? No.....' I must have asked her about 4 times and at one point she said she must have OCD........She was a bit confused and now I have terrible anxiety. She said her husband didnt want to see me. I asked her why they were like this and she said oh the stuff that has been going on with the injections and stuff......They are in their mid 70s. I have such anxiety today. How can I do an ERP to stop myself from going over the conversation I had with her yesterday? I felt okay afterwards yesterday but today I have been sick with the anxiety. Please help me because I am so upset. I wish I had never gone round there. And I know seeking reassurance makes it worse. I am my own worse enemy. I cant stand this anymore. Why wont my brain just leave me alone? They were so kind to me when I had OCD 2 yesrs ago and even read up on it so why does it torture me like this now? I hate people falling out with me and fear I will never get over this one. I dont want to live anymore with OCD.

Could someone please help and tell me how I should do ERP for this? My anxiety is so high today I have been sick. Thanks

I'm so sorry to hear how difficult it's been for you. You need to recognise that you've an illness and that the thoughts that you're having are the illness, nothing more, looping back and looking for reasons to make you doubt. I've always found detaching the thoughts as OCD and treating them as "other" helped a lot during my response prevention, though of course I've bad days. I'm self-isolating in quarantine with Covid so here if you want to talk more but, for your sake, I won't provide reassurance.

Hi Daz. Thank you so much for replying. I cried when you said i have to recognise I have an illness. It is so hard to think that until I actually get over it. I was doing okay with my ERP until yesterday. Like you said it is looking for reasons to make me doubt. At first I was glad I went round as my friends are staying and they said I did the right thing and I sat with the anxiety but today I have felt so ill. Have you got whatsapp? X

Try to think of it as something separate to who you are as a person, it's vital that you remember who you are without letting the disease sweep you away with it! And don't worry, we all have bad days - one of the big reasons I'm reaching out on this is because I had a really bad day on Thursday. It sounds like you're having a bad day because the reassurance that your friends could give is no longer available. Does that sound right? I'd love to keep chatting but I tend to only use this platform as it's where I feel safest to talk about my OCD if that's okay x

No problem at all. Completely understand. And yes I suppose you are right....because these elderly people have fallen out with me I cant get the reassurance they gave me in the past. I had an intrusive thought about their grandaughter a couple of years ago....and this thought related to sharing a bed with her when she was about 10 which was probably about 5 years prior! It came out of nowhere on xmas day.....the thought hit me....what if when you shared a bed with her years ago your leg and front bit touched her leg when you were asleep! Then all the thoughts came....what if i'm a 'p' etc. This episode went on for about 6 months really. I told them what my thought was and almost immediately they said that they worried like that when they looked after a friends little girl! I told them that I have 'what if' questions and that OCD was egodystonic. They knew I was unwell and got me out on walks etc. One of my fears at the time as well was what if a horrible 'friend' told their son (who i have known all my life) and their reply was that he and his daughter would just laugh. The lady went home and read up about OCD and text me and called me saying that she never realised how much I had been suffering. But since her husband was rather horrible to me about my views on Covid and not getting the jab straight away (i have had both now) my OCD flaired up and said almost immediately that it is because of that they dont want to be friends now! It is absolutely crazy I know but the thoughts are coming in that what if they thought my OCD thoughts were real etc. I know I should be able to get rid of this nonsense but it just wont go. I have been doing ERP and some of the things the OCD tried to make me believe I no longer believe. But it drives me nuts! Since yesterday it has been trying to say that I have brought attention to my OCD now and they might think the thoughts were real! It never gives in! I have tried to do an ERP around this but cant seem to find the right words. My brain makes me think I am in trouble!!!! It is so frightening! So as you can see my OCD is just so illogical and irrational! The erp i tried to do on loop tape was..'this lady has said it is my ocd why they dknt speak to me anymore' but it doesnt seem to get my anxiety up enough!

No wonder you're overwhelmed, you poor thing. Well done for sharing it. Firstly, the last bit of your message caught my attention, your ERP "phrase", it seems quite punitive? I'm no expert by any stretch but ERP to me has always been about *preventing* loops rather than putting something that gives you a sense of closure (and, therefore, reassurance) on a loop. Maybe I've misunderstood and, if so, apologies! But, for instance, you said you believe that it's because of your OCD that you think there's been a disconnect between you and the lady and that your thoughts immediately jump to the conclusion that she doesn't want to talk to you because of that. Remember, OCD is an anxiety disorder and a typical hallmark of anxiety is mind reading and jumping to conclusions. Try CBT on these thoughts and even work in a little ERP in the form of contacting the lady again while preventing your OCD response i.e. - mental reviewing. Next, it's so important that you recognise your intrusive thoughts as exactly that - intrusive thoughts. They are OCD, they are not you. Again, think of them as separate, the product of an illness of which you a victim, not the person to be blamed. Hope some of this helps! Stay strong.

Thank you so much Daz. That has helped me a lot especially about the hallmark of anxiety being mind reading! I have never thought of it like that! When you say try CBT on these thoughts what do you mean? I am afraid I will never be contacting these people ever again as they have made it perfectly clear that they no longer want my friendship which is a shame but their choice. I am not mentally reviewing the conversation I had yesterday too much as it is over and it is the OCD that is really trying to make me do that. So I suppose I am sort of doing ERP! I suppose I can accept that my intrusive thoughts are just that but then I have this fear that this couple don't!! But then I suppose I should think that that is their problem and not mine! I know this is all OCD but it just scares me if I didn't explain my OCD to them properly although they read up all about it! They saw me at my worst I suppose and how distressed I was about those previous intrusive thoughts. I remember saying to them once that I worry that people think I am horrible because I had horrible thoughts! They obviously reassured me I certainly wasn't! I will take on board what you said and these anxious thoughts are the product of an illness. X

So CBT essentially engages you to challenge your OCD- and anxiety-generated thoughts by comparing it with evidence and disabusing anything that doesn't actually make sense. A lot of our anxiety and OCD thoughts are reasoned through emotion rather than logic as a result of false signals in our minds. CBT empowers you to challenge that - in your case, did the lady **explicitly** say that she didn't want to talk to you because of your OCD? I strongly suspect you came to that conclusion due to the negative emotions that were the manifestation of your OCD, which in turn led to you ruminating on your (incorrect) conclusion and perpetuating the emotional cycle even further, deepening your belief and causing you to panic further. As a result, you leaned into your OCD for reassurance which, sadly, may have made things even more difficult. I could be wrong, of course - unfortuantely, people don't always show the level of support or patience needed for things like this. Nevertheless, by using CBT to challenge inaccurate thoughts that arise (they never want to talk to me again because of my OCD) as a preventative approach and ERP as a response approach to prevent an OCD response as you're doing today (constantly ruminating and mentally reviewing the conversation) should your CBT fail to stop your faulty thinking, I'd be hopeful that things would improve 😀

Wow!!!!! Daz you are amazing! Thank you SO much for this! You certainly know what you are talking about! It is such a complicated disorder. I will now do this and hopefully get some clarity back into my life! When I start thinking the negative thought ie they dont want to speak to me because of my OCD I will now challenge this like you have said ....did she explicitly say that! And i will also practice not responding with rumination and compulsions! You have made me feel so much better Daz. The other week it was like a light bulb had switched on in my brain and I realised these were all OCD thoughts....I am sure I will get this clarity once again using this method. I regretted getting reassurance almost as soon as I did yesterday but we learn from our mistakes! Thank you so much x

Well done, you've got this! 👊 And don't be hard on yourself if you've a setback, remember, we all have our bad days. Hope that I was some small help, best of luck with your recovery 😊

Thank you so much Daz. I will keep you updated x

this seems SO difficult. sending you lots of love and strength for recovery. resisting rituals is so hard because you know that you shouldn't do it but it feels really real in the moment like that's the only thing you can do to move forward and feel better. how are you doing now? have you reached out to our care team for the 15 minute free phone consultation? let us know how you're doing! we are rooting for you