I don’t understand the thought comes in and if the thought comes in I don’t understand do I genuinely like it cause if i do then my brain goes to ooo thats denial and i get panicky and then i question my panic as a just a way to escape the denial and most of the times I don’t find an answer and the uncertainty makes me go crazy i am losing hold of myself i want normal life and thinking back. Like i wouldn’t have a problem with it and of every single thing i have read online it says if don’t have a problem with it that means you’re in denial and that shit scares me and i question that too its this vicious rut that I can’t seem to get out of. And also earlier i used to find them disgusting and gross now if I don’t my brain doesn’t know how to act or what to believe. There are days that I don’t think about this and i am like calm but then also like you haven’t thought about what does that mean and now suddenly that you do what does that mean if you like these thoughts do you actually or is your brain making you think like that its so bad that I don’t know what to do anymore its like giving up. This living in uncertainty is like crazy bad. I write things here to feel there are others like me and that gives me a sense of relief even if it is for a second. Why is ocd so hard so consuming doing normal life with it is so difficult.