I think abt how beautiful and amazing our relationship was before these thoughts and images came along. It makes me feel empty and depressed and alone. When we see each other I hold him and cry every time because I feel like what I’m going through is gonna take him from me.

Im scared that if I start to think it too much, I will start to believe it, and it becomes my reality. I always have thoughts like, “Do I love him, what if I lose feelings, how longs is this going to last, when will these thoughts finally go away, is he the one for me, is this how love feels like or am I just convincing myself?” I start to search things up to make myself feel better but the longest that works for is a few hours and then that gut wrenching feeling comes back. I love him I’m sure of it, but then why do I feel like this? I know if I didn’t love someone I would let them go and would t even fight for it or try to get better, but for him I’m trying ever second of everyday and sometimes I just feel so hopeless. I can’t afford a therapist and I’m too busy to talk to one. I don’t know what to do or how to feel, sometimes I just feel numb and I hate it, sometimes I feel like crying but can’t, and most the time I don’t feel jealous anymore and that scares me because I’m a jealous person. Then I get thoughts and reminders of my ex. Not in a way that I like them but the hatred and the trauma and pain they left me with. The mental, verbal and physical abuse. Sometimes my current relationship reminds me of him and why I shouldn’t be in one because I always fall into this deep hole that feels impossible to get out of. I just get so scared.

hi! I broke a short period of doing well without compulsions because I got triggered again. Before this, I had about two calmer days where I didn’t spiral so much, but now everything feels worse. I’m scared that I don’t love my boyfriend as much as I used to, or that this relationship is making me feel stuck or sad. He’s a wonderful person, and I hate thinking this way. I smelled a perfume that used to make me feel calm and in love, and now it just makes me question everything. I spent hours last night searching Reddit, especially on r/ROCD, trying to see if someone is like me or if anyone has answers. I keep rereading posts, hoping I’ll feel certain about what I should do. But I just feel more confused. I keep thinking, “What if I heal and then realize I don’t love him?” or “What if I’m only staying because I feel safe with him or I’m used to him?” I feel numb sometimes, or like I’m pretending, and I hate it. I want to feel love and clarity again. I don’t know what’s real or what’s ROCD anymore. I just feel lost and afraid. I talk to hi. now and i feel so strange like i dont want to force myself i want to like him i dont understand what i feel i feel so weird in my chest

I know everyone has negatives but it’s like they’re the only thing I see with him. Even when I was anxious and felt like this I was still able to enjoy the good moments and feel love. There was so much about him that I would love like we are literally the same person and that is so rare to find. Now over time it’s gotten worse and worse. Like the more I see the bad the more I convince myself. Partly cause when I was with him those times I was analyzing everything that was bad. And my brain kept saying you can’t end up with someone like this. And it’s become so real. Now I feel nothing and it’s so scary like nothing at all. I feel like it’s my mind trying to protect me because I keep thinking that if I leave I can have relief and also not worry anymore but I don’t think that’s what I really want. It’s just hard because the negatives are definitely something that scare me like being irritable and hard to talk things out so I think somehow something is blocking me from letting me feel cause I’m afraid to stay? This sucks I don’t want to feel like this about him has anyone gone through this???? If I’m so anxious to feel will I ever let myself feel again???