//mention of possible contamination ocd and not eating regularly warning this is a huge post lol i tried to resist posting something on this app but ive bottled up too many things for far too long 😭😭🤠🤠 so uh i dont really know if i have some form of contamination ocd or not. i keep seeing stuff about erp and avoiding reassurance and stuff but i dont really know what else im supposed to do to fight off the Bad Thoughts ™ i feel like i dont have the willpower to expose myself to my fears on purpose right now. and im not currently in therapy and i dont know if we even have the money for that right now im feeling really anxious lately and i dont really leave my room or eat and drink often anymore because im scared of contamination. im not really worried about getting sick though i just dont like touching or being near gross things. im typing this post in anguish because i left my bedroom to find that there was cat poop on the floor in the living room and i feel like i need to shower even though i didnt touch it or anything, i just didnt shower and went to bed to type this so im wondering if my bed is contaminated now. im also slightly worried about the food i ate since it was in the living room for a short time. Eating food that was delivered to our house makes me nervous because i haven’t found out how to clean our patio/ front door area off so i can feel comfortable again. I feel the need to clean that area because we live in an apartment so thats where the cats nasty litter box gets cleaned out and uh yeah ew. ive tried cleaning up the cats litter box in the past at least once a day but i usually had trouble maintaining that because of my fear of germs combined with not scheduling my day properly. when we got the cat we agreed that me and my twin sister wouldnt clean the litter box because that stuff grosses us out too much, but everyone stopped cleaning it regularly and only emptied it out once a month and it started driving me crazy so i tried to clean it but yeah that didnt really work out. I feel like i cant really live with pets at this point in my life, like i cant even touch the cat and i sanitize everything that the cat touches because i cant remember the last time she was bathed, and i dont think i have it in me to bathe her myself. Getting rid if the pets is out if the question though and also i would be very sad if that happened, i still love them even if i cant really hang out with them these days. My mom also has kind of become a walking contamination ocd trigger for me, so i dont want to touch anything she touches if i can avoid it, which is a huge problem considering we live in the same house and she touches pretty much everything as one tends to do in their own home. I feel like im starting to be too controlling of my sisters and mom because of the contamination fears, but i dont know how to stop. i dont have my own money so i have to rely on my mom if i want to pay for therapy or something, but i have a feeling that wont really turn out well since theres so many other expenses we are behind on. at this point i dont really know how to function like a normal human being, much less clean up after pets and stuff. im stuck in my house all of the time so that makes it even worse, although i did recently apply for a job. I want to move out really badly and i feel like thats the only way to really solve my problems, but i am extremely broke, and theres also the problem of having no idea how to pay for college. if i were to move out id probably want to throw out as many belongings as possible because they would be associated with how disgusting my current living situation is. i had something similar to this before, but it wasnt as bad as it is now. I started having fears like this when i lived with my dad every 2 weeks. After my dad forced me to do something i was uncomfortable with, i started thinking differently and started washing my hands more, as well as associating thoughts with the distressing event. I was able to recover after we stopped living with him and I was fine for a while, and i started doing more chores and stuff and my mom was pleased with me, but i feel like i relapsed into that past mindset in a way and now every day feels like a struggle and i dont really do much anymore other than laying in my bed. honestly this is more of a vent post than anything else, i dont know what im expecting for this post, sorry for the atrocious grammar. i realize this turned into an essay that kind if goes all over the place and is probably hard to keep up with lol sorry about that