I’m having a panic attack in my car I just got home from work and I don’t want to go into my house crying but I don’t want to drive around either. I’ve posted about this before I know it’s a compulsion but I’m so scared. I had an intrusive image the other night about my little niece who’s 11 it was very graphic and scary and I had the image when I was reading a romantic sexual story which I should of known better because I knew it was going to be triggering. I already felt something because of the story itself it was adult content of course I would NEVER do anything like the other. When the intrusive image came up it was very vivid and as soon as I got it, it felt like I was turned on by it which deep down I know isn’t true but it felt true. It’s so hard to explain how it happened because it’s kind of blurry to me now but I remember it felt like my heart rate went up but it didn’t feel like anxiety I guess but after it happened I immediately started crying because it was so scary. People on here have told me it’s ocd but it doesn’t feel like it. It feels so real like I was actually turned but it can’t be. I refuse to let it be true. I love my niece so much. I’ve helped her with bath time when she was little and never had a problem but now I had intrusive image it makes me have problems? I just don’t understand. I feel so guilty it’s consuming. I feel like I’m a monster and I deserve to go. I would never want it. I feel so dark right now and so terrified. I pray to God to help me because I just can’t handle this. I would do anything to make this pain go away. This just isn’t right.

I understand I know how real it feels I have a pocd false memory and it feels so so real sometimes but I also know it’s irrational bc I don’t think I did it and then other times I feel so convinced when I’m triggered about it. Please know that ocd wouldn’t be the problem it is if it didn’t feel real. Regardless of how real it feels, just resist the urges to do compulsions and sit with the anxiety. You are okay. You are safe. Uncomfortable and anxious does not mean unsafe

You are not a pedophile. Ocd latches on to the things we hate most so you are the furthest away you can be from a pedophile. Pedophiles don't worry about being pedophiles they don't find the thoughts anxiety making and disgusting. What you experienced was the groinal response. It's caused by heightened anxiety and by you checking to see if you are aroused. You are not attracted to a child I promise you. You deserve so much more then this torment. I can understand that you feel evil and you want to die because I've been there too but it's not you it's your ocd and you are so much more than it. You will overcome it and you will be able to live normally. It's just a tricky road ahead but with the right therapist you will learn to love yourself and overcome the ocd. If you were bad you wouldn't be worrying about it. Serial killers don't worry about becoming serial killers, pedophiles don't worry about being pedophiles, psychopaths don't worry about being psychopaths. You are a good person, amazing even and you are so much more than the disorder that's tormenting you. Most people with ocd worry about not having it because we believe we are bad and having ocd contradicts that. You are not a bad person. I send you bucket loads of love and I am so sorry that you have to go through this