I’m having a panic attack in my car I just got home from work and I don’t want to go into my house crying but I don’t want to drive around either. I’ve posted about this before I know it’s a compulsion but I’m so scared. I had an intrusive image the other night about my little niece who’s 11 it was very graphic and scary and I had the image when I was reading a romantic sexual story which I should of known better because I knew it was going to be triggering. I already felt something because of the story itself it was adult content of course I would NEVER do anything like the other. When the intrusive image came up it was very vivid and as soon as I got it, it felt like I was turned on by it which deep down I know isn’t true but it felt true. It’s so hard to explain how it happened because it’s kind of blurry to me now but I remember it felt like my heart rate went up but it didn’t feel like anxiety I guess but after it happened I immediately started crying because it was so scary. People on here have told me it’s ocd but it doesn’t feel like it. It feels so real like I was actually turned but it can’t be. I refuse to let it be true. I love my niece so much. I’ve helped her with bath time when she was little and never had a problem but now I had intrusive image it makes me have problems? I just don’t understand. I feel so guilty it’s consuming. I feel like I’m a monster and I deserve to go. I would never want it. I feel so dark right now and so terrified. I pray to God to help me because I just can’t handle this. I would do anything to make this pain go away. This just isn’t right.

*tmi warning* I'm so worried im a P. Ive been crying daily unable to do anything else but ruminate over my real events. When i was 14 (before ocd) i was watching adult content and it was censored. The woman had similar features like hair and skin color as my niece. I remember noticing that and saying "huh i guess I'll imagine that as the adult version of my niece" and I did and after i was finished i moved on and didnt think anything was wrong. I dont know if i ever thought about that again? Its so blurry ocd keeps saying i did it again in a different time but i dont remember its too blurry and its scaring me so badly! I didnt even remember this till like literally last week and i wanted to die! Im 20 for context. When I remembered i immediately broke down in tears. I vaguely rmemeber this other thought i had of her when self pleasuring when I was 16??? I think it was a testing thought out of distress? But im not sure at all! It was extremely vague image and unrealistic i dont think I liked it but maybe i did?! Im so distressed its like i remmeber 2 versions of this particular event which is why I think its ocd false memories from there. Ive been ruminating and spiraling for almost a week. I keep crying i havent ate well at all in days ive been honestly dehydrating myself and i cannot sleep. I feel like a monster. I did the mistake of researching last night and kept comparing myself to the "criteria" of those sickos and like I felt so distressed. I also have been asking ai for hours on end everyday. I feel so distressed im literally crying rn as i write this i cant calm down i feel like this sick individual even tho I dont even like thinking of that at all i dont think I meant ill intent when i was a teen but its killing me inside. I would NEVER harm anyone nor want to or plan to, deep down i know I would never act out in those evil ways but like whats killing me is what if im attracted?! Is this a sign?! Am i one of those people?! Am i attracted to my niece bc of those 2 maybe even 3(??)thoughts years ago?! Did i mean ill intent?! Am I an actual danger?! Am I a monster??? I have so many urges to confess to my mom im so scared what this all means or could mean. I feel so alone and scared. Like legit whenever i get intrusive thoughts about gross stuff i feel disgusted and anxious and push it away. Those thoughts do not bring me pleasure whatsoever but this real event is making me doubt my own identity 😔

I feel nauseous. Extremely sick, i cannot eat, cant sleep well, and I haven't enjoyed things I normally enjoy to cry in bed and spiral for several days already. I feel extremely anxious over my past real events. I remembered something extremely triggering. I used to be morbidly curious about crimes and like I remember when i was a younger teen I watched a dark documentary that honestly i shouldnt have watched. There was this extremely weird scene and i think i felt weirded out but also a little aroused? but only bc I was thinking "lucky, shes already having sex. I wish I was her so i could experience it too." The poor person was like 1-3 years younger than me at the time. I KNOW how wrong that is now i legit feel like im going to throw up rn. Anyway I think I felt a little aroused??? And I think I touched myself a little bit and imagined myself in her place? I dont think I enjoyed it bc i remember it felt forced and weird and i stopped. I never did it again. I feel so sick! I would NEVER watch a documentary like that now as an adult and think or touch myself to it thats just so wrong but im scared that this is a sign im a sicko/p. I remmeber crying at the end of the documentary bc I felt disturbed by the contents but i still put some in my watch later out of morbid curiosity to see more real cases of these crimes bc they scared me. I never watched them again though. It only happened once and it was before my ocd started which SCARES me even more!!! And i wouldnt watch them as an adult either theyre too disturbing! I regret it so badly and feel like a monster bc it was messed up. Like what was wrong with me?! Theyre extremely disturbing to me and I rather avoid such content bc its triggering to my ocd but im afraid now like was that a sign of me possibly being a p? Am I a monster??? Am I in denial? Is this even ocd?! I feel so much shame and guilt it's killing me. 😔

i feel so lost. my religious ocd involves sexual intrusive images right now about Jesus, and it's really killing me. it keeps flashing in my mind and I feel so bad and in pain. i feel so dirty and disgusting because of it. i really respect Jesus and i love Him so much. i always saw Him as a Father because He has a father figure. now, i don't know what to feel anymore because of those sexual intrusive images. it is traumatizing and terrifying. i hate that my ocd creates images of Jesus as bad and tries to put the blame on Him. i'm trying my best to fight it and put the blame on myself. i feel like my relationship with Him is slowly getting ruined. for me, it's all my fault because of my ocd brain. i want to feel what i normally feel toward Jesus. i hate that my ocd needs to do this. i hate the feelings that I'm liking it even though I never like it. i feel unforgivable and condemned. i can't take anymore of what my ocd keeps throwing at me. i feel like I'm going crazy. i feel disrespectful. i feel so disgusting. i feel like i'm not comfortable in my own body. last night i broke down because of it. it is so heavy and too much to carry. i'm thinking that this might be my punishment for the constant blasphemous thoughts and doubts caused by my OCD.