Guys, I’m done, I think I might end it. I made a post where I was asking for reassurance, it got taken down because of it. But now it’s making me think even worse of the event. I think I’m just gonna set a date and just end it. I hope you all heal though, I can’t take this guilt anymore.

Guys... I didn't know I would post again so soon. I'm extremely sorry but I can't stop crying and I think I'll explode from whatever I'm feeling. I thought I was a bit better especially with the kind help I received from my last post, which, again, I'm really thankful for. I was ready to go to bed when a memory from last summer resurfaced. It has always been at the back of my mind but I've always tried to ignore it by telling myself that I didn't do anything bad, but now it has resurfaced with full power. I don't think I'm ready to share it here because it's so disgusting but it's related to POCD. I think I will need to confess it to my therapist tomorrow when I see her but I'm so scared. I'm scared she will have me sent to jail. I'm not asking for advice. I just wanted to talk to someone because I feel so, so lonely. (But then, at the same time, I feel like I don't want to talk to anyone because of how bad it is; I'm sorry, I'm so weird.) I'm sorry, I don't know what to say anymore. And I know I sound so dramatic but I promise that's not my intention.

I don’t know if I’ll ever live a day without thinking about and feeling guilt about my real event. But I’ve accepted the fact that maybe I won’t ever will, and while that is quite daunting, I’ve struggled a lot during these past few months with just living and doing anything but lying in misery about it. I found it really hard to get out of bed to do anything, and I was just completely empty. While I haven't made huge progress now, I can attest that I've moved more than I did before, and that matters to me. I still don't feel great, and I actually will never be able to go back to a time when I wasn't plagued by this, but everything has led me to my present, and the way I deal with it is important regardless of whether I like it or not. There's no use moping over the past. So while my event and guilt won't be going anywhere, I'm trying not to put a pause on everything because of it. It's depressing at times knowing how I just have this one life on earth to do anything. So there's a lot of shame and guilt knowing how I've had this event in my life and that there's no way back to it to correct it. It makes me hopeless, but at the same time, it is also a driving force for wanting to be good, do better, and learn from my mistakes because, again, this is the only life I have here. So if I don't make a positive difference, then it's like I've done nothing better to right my mistakes and make a change from the past. It's one of the main things that I'm trying to stay steadfast about instead of falling into that hole of despair and nothingness. I hope everyone here, regardless of whatever they're suffering from, is able to be kind to themselves and hold on through their struggles. It's tough right now, but hopefully we can all get to a point where it won't be any longer. And most importantly, try to live in the present, as that is what serves you and what you have direct control over to make a change right now. Sending much love to everyone who's struggling and finding it hard right now ❤️‍🩹

Just went down the Reddit rabbit hole. Consumed a bunch of posts of people saying that anyone who did what I did is a piece of shit who shouldn’t be given the time of day. And guess I agree, but seeing so many people say it in one place can make my head spin. It’s just hard because I was having an ok day. I even gave somebody on here advice earlier. But now I feel so drained. And so so selfish for trying to move forward.