For the past few years, my past has been weighing on me heavy. I can't move on when I haven't addressed the past, and waiting for my past to address me is the most terrifying thing I could wait for. Whether or not everyone else moved on, and whether or not all the mistakes can be explained away, it still happened. The anxiety and paranoia I feel everyday at the thought that I've been such a mean and awful person is actually killing me. Not to mention the anxiety I feel towards thoughts I can't even control. At my big age, I don't think it's right for me to continue staying home without a job. Especially while my mother continues trying to scrape up everything for the family. But I can't let go. I can't. Sometimes I even feel like it's better for me to sit here and punish myself for the past, than to open a new chapter and try to be better. It's so hard to try and convince myself that death isn't a way out. I don't think I could do that to my family, especially my mom. I don't even think I could do that to myself. Trying to find a job compatible with my mental and physical healts is overwhelming. Staying around my family is overwhelming. I even asked my dad if I could stay with him but he wants me to go to school if I do, school is a huge trigger for me not to mention, it's hard. I need to remind myself that my life means something, but when I find something it morphs right front of me. It morphs into something that isn't a meaning. It just becomes a fact with no importance attached to it. I'm constantly hopping from one meaning to another. Even going to a hospital seems like it's not a choice. I'm trying so hard to get back to therapy but like everything, it always stop. Something flukes in the routine and I just stop. I don't know what to do, but I don't think I can afford to just sit here. Is there anyone out there who went through something like this and could lend some advice?