TW POCD Adults only Really depressed today. This is probably tmi but I’m on my period and I think it’s making things worse I don’t know. Still upset about an intrusive image I had the other day that felt like I was turned on by it it felt so real! I’m just really upset 😭

Bruh today I was on insta and I saw a vid of a 11 yo, it caused me to feel what I hope is false attraction and groinal response, I got worried I was a p, and I couldn’t resist doing compulsions. I haven’t gotten a diagnosis for pocd yet, but i hope it is pocd and that I’m not an actual p. This stuff that keeps happening basically convinces me that I’m a p :( so yeah, my days ruined, idk what to do now. Comment anything y’all want.

*tmi warning* I'm so worried im a P. Ive been crying daily unable to do anything else but ruminate over my real events. When i was 14 (before ocd) i was watching adult content and it was censored. The woman had similar features like hair and skin color as my niece. I remember noticing that and saying "huh i guess I'll imagine that as the adult version of my niece" and I did and after i was finished i moved on and didnt think anything was wrong. I dont know if i ever thought about that again? Its so blurry ocd keeps saying i did it again in a different time but i dont remember its too blurry and its scaring me so badly! I didnt even remember this till like literally last week and i wanted to die! Im 20 for context. When I remembered i immediately broke down in tears. I vaguely rmemeber this other thought i had of her when self pleasuring when I was 16??? I think it was a testing thought out of distress? But im not sure at all! It was extremely vague image and unrealistic i dont think I liked it but maybe i did?! Im so distressed its like i remmeber 2 versions of this particular event which is why I think its ocd false memories from there. Ive been ruminating and spiraling for almost a week. I keep crying i havent ate well at all in days ive been honestly dehydrating myself and i cannot sleep. I feel like a monster. I did the mistake of researching last night and kept comparing myself to the "criteria" of those sickos and like I felt so distressed. I also have been asking ai for hours on end everyday. I feel so distressed im literally crying rn as i write this i cant calm down i feel like this sick individual even tho I dont even like thinking of that at all i dont think I meant ill intent when i was a teen but its killing me inside. I would NEVER harm anyone nor want to or plan to, deep down i know I would never act out in those evil ways but like whats killing me is what if im attracted?! Is this a sign?! Am i one of those people?! Am i attracted to my niece bc of those 2 maybe even 3(??)thoughts years ago?! Did i mean ill intent?! Am I an actual danger?! Am I a monster??? I have so many urges to confess to my mom im so scared what this all means or could mean. I feel so alone and scared. Like legit whenever i get intrusive thoughts about gross stuff i feel disgusted and anxious and push it away. Those thoughts do not bring me pleasure whatsoever but this real event is making me doubt my own identity 😔

I've been good for a long while but I'm feeling very down and depressed, tired of dealing with all of this. I've been researching things and trying to treat them as exposures, and I'm doing okay but it just feels horrible. Researching things about pedophiles, sexual disorders and dysfunction, appropriate and innapopriate sexual fantasies, etc. I hate all of it. I just wish I could feel okay, go back in time and change all the things I've done, I wish I could just understand why I have to deal with this.