TW POCD Adults only Really depressed today. This is probably tmi but I’m on my period and I think it’s making things worse I don’t know. Still upset about an intrusive image I had the other day that felt like I was turned on by it it felt so real! I’m just really upset 😭

I thought I'd gotten over sexual obsessions, since they haven't been bothering me at all until I had a flare up yesterday. I usually struggle with masturbation due to a combination of both anorgasmia from SSRI medication along with intrusive thoughts, so I thought that an adult film should work fine and went on the hub as per usual. Everything went well until I "finished" and looked at the video title afterwards. My stomach dropped as the title had the word "teen" it in. I felt nauseous and gross because I'd previously struggled and became horrifically suicidal due to the pocd I thought I had under control. Now I know that by the word teen, it means an adult actress that's 18-19 and I'm only 20. But I can't shake the feeling that I'm gross for watching and that it was illegal material, even though I am fully aware that it wasn't, so I've been ruminating over it endlessly. This is more of a vent, but I feel like all the progress I've made with my ocd just went down the drain ☹️

I want to rip out my uterus. Only my hormones can make my OCD and ability to manage it go back to square one. I am spiraling *so* hard. I cannot breathe. My PMDD is going crazy. I’m having a panic attack again. I feel so scared. The POCD is going absolutely insane right now. It feels undeniably real, and my mind keeps drifting to those awful thoughts and what feels like exploring them?? but I can’t for the life of me stop some of these compulsions right now. I was trying to watch something to get my mind off of this but ended up getting triggered twice, so my anxiety is a 10 and I can’t seem to calm down. This panic attack is tuned all the way up.

18+ pls!!! pls reply if u can (superrrrr tmi, pls don’t read if it’ll make you uncomfortable) since struggling with ocd, i have rules around the likes of m^sturbation and sexual stuff because i think too much into it now. one of the rules is that exact day i cant have seen or been around children because otherwise ill get intrusive thoughts that ive done it because of that (it isnt and never has been, before all of this i was able to engage in this stuff without any worry because it never crossed my mind). i cant have seen one the day before either or the day after actually engaging in that stuff because otherwise my mind plays tricks on me. i wanted to yk today because it makes me tired and most of the time helps me sleep but im worried i cant now because my mum and i watched a show and there was a quick clip of a child in it and my for you page on tiktok is things related to the genocide in gaza which obviously on some posts has pictures too that i’ve seen while interacting with the posts (like, commenting and reposting. thought i should state this bc i dont want it to sound like i meant anything else) so because now ive seen them i feel incredibly guilty and that if i am to yk, they’ll somehow link and be proof im this bad person. (Also should state i mean m^sturbate to ADULT content, when i’ve seen these posts i haven’t got aroused or anything. i’m just worried that bc ive seen stuff related to children today it’ll be bad of me to engage in that sort of thing to help me sleep)