TW POCD Adults only Really depressed today. This is probably tmi but I’m on my period and I think it’s making things worse I don’t know. Still upset about an intrusive image I had the other day that felt like I was turned on by it it felt so real! I’m just really upset 😭

18+ pls!!! pls reply if u can (superrrrr tmi, pls don’t read if it’ll make you uncomfortable) since struggling with ocd, i have rules around the likes of m^sturbation and sexual stuff because i think too much into it now. one of the rules is that exact day i cant have seen or been around children because otherwise ill get intrusive thoughts that ive done it because of that (it isnt and never has been, before all of this i was able to engage in this stuff without any worry because it never crossed my mind). i cant have seen one the day before either or the day after actually engaging in that stuff because otherwise my mind plays tricks on me. i wanted to yk today because it makes me tired and most of the time helps me sleep but im worried i cant now because my mum and i watched a show and there was a quick clip of a child in it and my for you page on tiktok is things related to the genocide in gaza which obviously on some posts has pictures too that i’ve seen while interacting with the posts (like, commenting and reposting. thought i should state this bc i dont want it to sound like i meant anything else) so because now ive seen them i feel incredibly guilty and that if i am to yk, they’ll somehow link and be proof im this bad person. (Also should state i mean m^sturbate to ADULT content, when i’ve seen these posts i haven’t got aroused or anything. i’m just worried that bc ive seen stuff related to children today it’ll be bad of me to engage in that sort of thing to help me sleep)

I don’t know if my hormones are extra wild this month or what, but I have been having so many POCD thoughts lately. It feels like I enjoy them in the moment, and then a few seconds later, I get this tiny flicker of *wait I don’t think I actually want to enjoy that.* It’s scaring me a lot. I was watching adult videos for the first time in about a year, since I had been avoiding them because of my OCD. I know they are not good for anyone, but I felt like i could (ironically it felt like a tiny win that my OCD had calmed down enough). But while watching, I had like 3 separate POCD thoughts. And it felt like I liked them. Like genuinely *liked* them. I don’t know if maybe my body was mixing up physical pleasure and mental pleasure, and then my brain inserted those not okay thoughts into the situation, which got tangled up with the pleasure responses I felt mentally and physically. It is all really confusing. I just feel so scared. I know OCD thoughts are supposed to feel real, and that once you get desensitized to the anxiety, they lose their power. But this feels like I am *actually enjoying* the thoughts, and that makes me want to cry. I’m scared that I actually like these thoughts when I’m really aroused :( Please help.

Hello 😭, so uhm I’m kind of in the point of my POCD where I’m just tired. I just need to get it all out and get some sort of instruction of how to just idk live? So for me my childhood is pretty blurry. I have a few real event blended with false memory events there but other than that I’m a csa victim. And the way I tried to cope? By fetishising nyself, making CP of myself, seeing my life goal as being used, raped and a prostitue. Self destructive behaviour through talking to pedophiles and seeing my only worth as if I was sexually attractive. Which made me kind of numb to CP as a coping mechanism I guess. And heres’s where my main event of REOCD/false memory ocd comes in. I have a few events in my life when I’ve accidentally stumbled across CP ish mangas or just plan abuse and not had a big reaction. Some of them I even liked the story. And my ocd LOVES playing with it, making me truly believe I enjoy and get of from CP. I’ve also had quite a few dreams. A few days ago I had a dream about me getting triggered by something I did in the dream. Which I now can’t figure out if it actually was a dream. But also moments overall where I’ve unintentionally touched my private part while my siblings are in the room or when I found a guy 2 years younger than me pretty in 4th grade. Or a few of my only friends who turned out to be younger than me, and I had talked about sexual things (like fan fictions, my trauma ect) with them. AHSHB I absolutely hate ruminating and I’m tired so so so so so so tried 😭 idk help me? Please TT