I’m so scared to accept uncertainty because what if it’s maybe and not maybe not…I’m absolutely terrified

I can’t live with that. If it’s true I deserve to go. I don’t want it to be true. I just want the pain to go away and it isn’t

Unfortunately this is still about the stuff we’ve talked about. It’s still bothering me. Maybe I’m ruminating and making a big deal out of it but it felt so real I’m telling you something isn’t right

@Dialup You know I keep telling myself that if I was an actual monster, I wouldn’t be so upset like I am right now. But then I keep thinking I’m in denial and it’s so scary. I appreciate what you are saying and I wish I could believe it but my mind won’t let me. The other night it legit felt like for a split second it felt real. It was like my body “lit up” or I felt some weird physical sensation to an intrusive image about my poor niece who I love very much and would literally do anything to keep her safe from harm. She visited a few weeks ago and I didn’t have this problem then. Yeah a few intrusive thoughts here and there but not this. But because I was an idiot and read a stupid steamy romance story, I got triggered and it caused a stupid intrusive thought about her and it felt so real like my whole body felt weird I don’t even know how to explain it. I wish I could just go back and never read that stupid story because then it would of never happened. I remember when I was younger and didn’t have pocd I helped her with bath time and would be around her without any problems and now I feel like I’ve turned into this creepy monster! I don’t even want to be in my own skin. I would rather go through a break up or get ran over by a car than this crap

@Dialup Ok maybe not get hit by a car but you get my point

@Dialup But it can’t be possible. I refuse to let it be true. I’m pretty certain that this stems from childhood trauma but anyways I’m not attracted to children. End of story

@Dialup What do you mean?

@Dialup I know deep down with all my heart I’m not but unfortunately OCD doesn’t like that anyways and tries to convince me otherwise but I just try to latch on to hope that I’m not a monster