I AM GOING THEOUGH THE EXACT SAME THING! It’s taking something I did and adding a new memory, after finally accepting what I actually did, my OCD is adding a false memory, I know I never did it, but it’s saying I did or wanted to, and is giving me all that guilt, I absolutely hate OCD
Mine is also something really dark, so I understand you
I am so sorry to hear that! Thank you for sharing. I’m not sure if mine is false memory or not because I literally have no memory of doing it. Somehow though I am convinced that it’s completely possible I just blocked it out 🤷🏼♀️
I have Real Event OCD. Sounds like you've got some false memory ocd thrown in there - it's really hard but we have to sit with the uncertainty. Here if you need to talk x
Thank you so much for the advice and offer! Can it be false memory if I don’t remember doing it? Because for me the fact that I have no memory of it convinces me I must have blocked it out.
@Have a sunflower🌻 Same!!
@nervousbeans Oh good I’m glad this isn’t as uncommon as it feels! Not that I am glad you are going through it too of course! My concern is that the thing I’m afraid I don’t remember doing would be illegal and I’m terrified I’m going to get in trouble any moment.
@Have a sunflower🌻 It's totally common to feel this way. OCD will make you feel as if your situation is special so then you keep getting stuck in it's grasp. Have you watched any videos by Nathan Peterson (OCD and Anxiety) on YouTube?
@nervousbeans I don’t believe so 🤔
Hey there! I'm dealing with something similar. I am ashamed of something aweful I did I'm the past and then things got twisted into what I believe is a false memory which in turn would effect my current relationship if it were true. I'm paranoid that it'll all be confirmed somewhere down the line and it's hard to deal with. Im here if you need to talk!
I’m so sorry to hear that. It’s so frustrating because we are already suffering enough by ruminating over a bad decision we made and then ocd steps in and says level two sucker.
@Have a sunflower🌻 Definitely! I've learned that the OCD just tried harder to keep you in it's grip. At least, that's what I think haha
Hi there......I worry like this too but I am not scared to say what it is as it is all OCD. Perhaps if I share my intrusive thoughts you may feel you can?
That is very brave of you to be willing to share! I don’t want you to feel obligated to though! I wish I was braver and could share mine but because at least part of it really happened, I’m so scared and ashamed to talk about it. It would probably help me if I did though so someone could help with my perspective on the matter.
Hi I have the same. I have real event OCD thrown in with false memory OCD which is hard. I was doing ok until someone contacted me out fo the blue and reminded me that what I thought was a false memory all these years is actually true! I feel horrendous and can’t get over the feeling guilt and disgust. The anxiety is also through the roof.
Why would someone say that to you knowing you have OCD? There are some very nasty people out there. I had someone contact me out of the blue because she managed to find my name through her daughter....she sent a vile text to me but I didnt read hardly any of it. She has a serious mental disorder but will never admit to it. She abused her own children and stole money from numerous people including me. Sometimes we have to accept that there ARE actually evil people out there ...... but we are not them!
Oh goodness I am so sorry this happened to you. The guilt and disgust are both so torturous to constantly feel. You aren’t suffering alone! I am in the same boat!
@Have a sunflower🌻 Thank you. Sending you hugs xxx
@Scaredandafraid Awe thank you! I probably don’t deserve them though, but thank you! And thank you for sharing part of your story it’s a very brave thing to do!
I feel like every day I am living on borrowed time and soon the law and the truth will catch up to me. I’m exhausted because my brain is constantly running 24/7 and I feel so alone because no one around me knows how much I’m struggling. My therapist knows about the situation and she didn’t seemed worried or shocked so maybe it’s not as bad as I think it is. I have lost perspective on the matter. Should I turn myself in just in case? Should I let my family know I might be a terrible person so they don’t have to associate themselves with me further? It’s times like this I wish I still had friends to talk to because I’m just not out in the world enough to know what is common and know what is realistically likely to happen. It’s just been so tough! I hope the day went better for all of you!
I’ve confessed a lot of the gross things I’ve done in the past when I was a kid to my therapist, and I told her that I’m a monster and deserve to die, she told me that she is legally obligated to report crimes of the nature that I was saying that I’ve done, but that she didn’t think that what I had done was NEARLY as bad as my brain is making it out to be and that I just need to let go and understand I was just a dumb kid, and that I’m not like that anymore. Trust me, I was terrified to confess, but our brains our incredibly powerful, they hold the reality we see, so it makes sense, I don’t know what you think you’ve, but as someone who has a lot of regret, if you’re therapist isn’t worried, you shouldn’t be either
@OCDHaver Oh goodness I never considered that they have to report you. Do they report everything illegal if you admit it to them…like speeding or streaming a movie for free??
@Have a sunflower🌻 No, they’ll never report trivial crimes lol, like petty theft or anything like that they won’t ever do that. They only report you if they feel you are a danger to yourself or others and have committed a serious crime
@OCDHaver Ohhh ok well hopefully she would tell me if she reported me since I’m already constantly worried that the cops are going to come knocking on my door 😬
@Have a sunflower🌻 I think you’re okay, if she was going to report you she probably would’ve already, I heard about a session where a patient was seriously considering suicide and the therapist said they’d be out for a bit and they came back with the police, so yeah, if they really think you’ll hurt yourself or others, I think you’re okay
@OCDHaver Thank you! Ocd really knows how to ruin everything. This whole obsession started because I have to eventually take my phone in to get a virus scan done and I instantly started to think about what if I did something bad on my phone or online and don’t remember it and then I’ll get arrested 🤦🏼♀️.
Alright, I’m so sorry I keep bothering you all but I think I’m really dug into this fear. I even got something delivered today that I preordered a year ago that I was so exciting for but I don’t feel like I deserve it anymore. I don’t even see a future anymore. I don’t know how to move forward with my current perspective. I might need some help and fresh perspective to help me dig out of this rabbit hole I have jumped down. But how am I supposed to get help when I am so scared to talk about it 🤦🏼♀️ I don’t know why I’m so scared to talk about it on here when everyone is so kind but I just think I don’t want to disappoint, upset, or scare anyone on here.
You can never scare anyone on here friend. We've all been there! You can share with me if you want 💖
@katym Thank you very much for your offer! Are you over 18 though because there is some sexual content involved and I don’t want to scar you? ( I don’t mean this to be condescending at all, just want to be extra careful)
@Have a sunflower🌻 You're so sweet to think of me! I'm 27 and have real event ocd over sexual experiences myself so no need to worry about me! ❤️ If you don't want to post here you can email me if you'd like - email@example.com
@katym That is so kind of you to offer! I’m struggling with what to do. If I talk about it on here it might help someone else to hear. Plus then people from different places and different points of view might chime in. Since part of my concern is in the legality of the matter, I know different places probably have different laws and maybe even different societal views on the topics in question. Oh goodness this is so hard. I guess I could always delete this later. Ok here goes. Please don’t read this if you are under 18 and this could be triggering to anyone that struggles with sexual obsessions or moral scrupulosity! I also wanted to say that I mean nothing offensive or judgmental about the topics I discuss. Ok so from I believe 2013 to the beginning of 2019, I occasionally watched inappropriate adult content online (you can probably guess what I mean but I have a hard time saying it). Anyway, I decided that I didn’t like the way I felt after I watched it and it made me feel shame. Plus it didn’t line up with who I wanted to be morally. So I don’t watch it anymore. My real event ocd is focused on this bad choice I made over the years which is tough to manage but now I need to get my phone scanned for a virus after I got my Facebook account hacked a month ago (not from said previously mentioned activity). I instantly started to panic about my shameful history being discovered when my phone gets scanned. I am pretty sure it’s not illegal in the U.S. to watch said content even though I’m still worried about it being discovered. The complication occurs when a thought popped in my head about my lack of memory about all my past. Specifically, what if I watched something even worse and I don’t remember it. My biggest fear is that I watched cp and blocked it out and that’s why I have some memory gaps from my past. I genuinely don’t remember ever doing that and I would hope I would have been arrested by now if I had done that some time between 2013 to 2019. I also can’t imagine why I would look at that because I have never had a desire to see that about kids. But the fact that I can’t think back and recall clearly that I never did is terrifying me and making me feel stuck. How am I supposed to move on with life if I might have done something so horrible?? Plus I also am worried that when I watched the adult content online, it might be possible someone could have been underage. I recall once or twice seeing someone and thinking they look on the younger side but I naively thought that they would not put something illegal on such large widely used websites and moved on. I feel horrible about the bad things I know I watched, the bad things I might have watched, and the bad things I don’t have any memory watching. I am too scared to take my phone in because I’m afraid of getting in trouble but also because that means I really did do something bad. I am also terrified of hurting my family if something like this ever actually happened. I’m just scared, sad, and mad at making those bad choices in my past that even allows these ocd fears to be possible. I should have been more careful and remembered more of my past somehow. I would appreciate any advice, insight, or perspective on the matter that would help me gain a realistic picture of the situation. Thank you!
@Have a sunflower🌻 Even now I am panicking about just writing about it on here. My ocd is convincing me that saying I don’t know or don’t remember doing something is the same as a confession and the police will come for me 🤦🏼♀️ I guess that makes this a good erp exercise 🤷🏼♀️
@Have a sunflower🌻 Thank you so much for sharing - that was very brave and I'm sure difficult for you. It's tough to not give you reassurance but for education purposes you did absolutely nothing wrong. It's completely normal to watch p0rn, especially when you're a young teenager and you're full of hormones! I know I watched a lot! In terms of worrying about what you might/might not have watched - you need to accept the uncertainty. OCD is never going to give you the answer you want to hear - and I know it's so hard but you just have to say, maybe, maybe not. If you were a person who enjoyed these things then you wouldn't be feeling so guilty and ashamed over this. Something which is completely normal! Nearly everyone in the world watches porn! I think therapy would be really helpful for you and will help you to see the normal side! My OCD has latched on to something I did when I was a young teenager which was just curiousity and pleasure seeking - but my OCD tells me I'm the worst person in the world, same as you. At the moment I'm working to accept the uncertainty that maybe I am a bad person, maybe I'm not. It's really hard and I struggle with it every day but we just have to keep fighting!!!!
@katym Thank you so much for not freaking out about what I’ve done! You are very kind and understanding! To be fair though I wasn’t really a young teenager when I did this, I believe I was around 17 when it started and 22 when I stopped. So, I should have known better 🤦🏼♀️. I know I’ll never know for certain if I watched anything bad, but my hope was to use some common sense and a more accurate perspective to get it to a more realistic chance. Like right now, staying in uncertainty means there is like a 95% chance I did it and will be caught. I’m hoping to make the uncertainty a bit less severe, like 50/50 or 60/40 at least. I’m hoping that if I did watch horrible things, whether or not it was on accident and I just don’t know or on purpose and I just don’t remember, I would have been arrested by now or at least put on some kind of watch list. I’m struggling with this from two sides, legally and morally. I guess I’m hoping if I could at least make some progress with the legal aspect I could be less overwhelmed and work on the moral scrupulosity part. Thank you again for continuing to help me work this out. I do think writing about it on here was a good erp exercise because I spent all night waiting to be arrested from what I wrote or at least kicked off the app… so progress I think 🤷🏼♀️.
@Have a sunflower🌻 17-22 is still young ☺️ anyway the age doesn't matter because you did nothing wrong! It's absolute uncertainty. Please don't beat yourself up. The fact that you're thinking you'll be arrested or something will be done is just your OCD trying to convince you. I can guarantee that it will NOT happen. Like you said, you were worried all night about being reported/arrested - did that happen? No! It didn't. And it won't. You're doing amazing I am so proud of you for sharing. I wish I could just make everything better for you but for now all I can say is you're a great person - I can tell from the few interactions we've had. This will pass. I promise you that ❤️
@katym You are so amazingly kind and supportive! Thank you so much! This helps me put things into a better perspective. I wish there was something I could do to help you since you have been so helpful to me!
If you have any other questions I'll try my best to help! But you will get through this I promise!