I hate fighting whatever this is… I am so mentally tired…. I keep comfort eating…. Which caused so much weight gain.. My friend yesterday tried to trigger me saying break up but I didn’t react to it. It’s bc breaking up and saying not in love over and over again made me numb to it… I’ve dealt with a decent amount of ROCD for over 9 years with lots of intrusive thoughts. But what I am feeling now doesn’t feel the same… it feel too different some how… I know ROCD won’t be the same way each time I understand that… but why can’t I just be hap out and choose to love him… I know we have certain issues we need to work on but I don’t wanna give in to whatever this is. Even if it causes me depression. I know l love him. That’s why I don’t wanna give in.

We have talked about it. We’re both very stressed bc we have to move out of our roommates home by January and it’s causing us to freak out badly. This is a first for us to be like this in the 11 years we’ve been together. I try to avoid talking to my friend bc of house super critical she can be. I’ve been deeply depressed for over a year bc of a conversation my partner had with me over a year ago. He told me that he opened Pandora’s box from that conversation and knows how bad mental state has gotten. I told him everything that I’ve been feeling and how I don’t feel like things are the same anymore since that conversation. How I am basically in a losing battle with my depression that I had thoughts of suicide. I told him that he’s the only person I’ve ever had ROCD with and how I wish I had a normal mindset. I told him how much I hate myself everyday. He said he hasn’t liked himself either with his depression. I’m scared of moving, I’m scared of change in general even though I know it needs to happen. I told him how I’ve been even doubting his love for me bc he feels like a stranger to me right now.. it’s torture for me.. He told me if he didn’t love me he wouldn’t be with me at all. He said that he’s not willing to walk away from our relationship. I’ve told him that I don’t even have a sex drive bc I’m that deeply depressed… I even talked about my uncle who passed away recently how I lost the only father figure I’ve ever had in my life since my real father was in and out of my life. I told him how during the funeral I didn’t cry once and it made me feel heartless.. how I didn’t even panic about my own mother’s health problems. I felt no love for anyone and even saying it feels fake. My mind is completely warped from my obsessive beahavior. I even asked why he loves me and he told me out of everyone in his life I am the only person who never gave up on him and who has faith in him.