My friends often call me an alcoholic. I’m one of the only people in my friend group that actually drink, (the rest of them smoke) but i often get mad and stressed when they tell me that. One of my biggest fears is being an alcoholic. My father abused alcohol and is why I don’t drink often, only with friends. Though they often joke around and call me an alcoholic which makes me feel so stressed. It is one of my biggest fears to be an alcoholic, and to hurt those around me because of it. My father isn’t a bad person, but I’d never want to repeat his mistakes and it terrifies me to think about doing so. I’ve told them I don’t like to be called that but they continue to do so. It hurts.

Has anyone else experienced something like this? I’m graduating from college soon and i have been so stressed about finding a job, signing a lease for an apartment, college ending, I have an ungodly amount of assignments to do, I have a tumultuous relationship with my mother that has recently blown up again, and so much more. I am just so overwhelmed, I snapped at my boyfriend last night. I immediately apologized but i still feel awful. One of my biggest fears is being an abusive partner and i feel like this confirms that I am one. My best friend was also there and he saw me snap at my boyfriend and I’m scared he thinks I’m awful too. He saw me apologize so maybe that makes him think differently, but i can’t know for sure. The logical side of me tells me it’s not that deep, i apologized, and it’s time to move on. But i feel like i need to apologize to my best friend too to make sure he doesn’t think im terrible, but i know thats reassurance seeking. The ocd in me is punishing myself and refusing to move on.

Before I start this let me preface with this: My dad was abusive and would scream and hit me. Me and my girlfriend just came back yesterday from a long trip in the Bay, surrounded by family and getting little to no sleep, even before we went to the Bay. I had work today, a long, stressful shift. I come home and find out that not 1, but 3 of her friends are spending the night. This would be fine but they are spending the night in our small, hot, stuffy room, on the second bed. I am getting so upset. I feel like I havent had a break at all from people and I'm getting so overstimulated and angry at myself. I keep getting the visions and compulsions of screaming at them like my dad would or straight up just snapping at them. It's all in my head. There's just a pit of rage in my stomach. I don't want to hurt them but my brain wants me too. I'm so mad at myself for even thinking about this. If it wasn't 100 degrees I would have taken a walk but the heat just stresses me even more. I don't want to be my dad. Ever. He always told me that I got the darker part of his brain and inherited his mindscape, and he always said it with pride and I feel so upset.

Yesterday night I drank a bit too much and felt like I wasn’t in as much control as I’d like to have been. I took an uber with some friends home and we had a really chill driver, my friend was having a good conversation with him in the front seat and the driver seemed to be chipper and in a good mood the entire ride (which I feel like is good for me in this situation). Anyways, I woke up this morning anxious that I said something or did something bad in the uber because I remembered there was a front facing dash cam and being around video or audio recording spikes my fear of being cancelled (especially things that passively record like ring door bells or dash cams). I asked my friends if I said anything bad, the one in the front seat said not to their knowledge and the one on the back said no but I was speaking in an accent for a little bit to them quietly (which is what im worried about since it could be seen as offensive or insensitive). The front seat friend said they didn’t even hear anything and they both assure me its fine but im terrified of the dash cam having audio and the driver posting me all over social media saying something and cancelling me to people who know me/career.