I hate feeling normal… I feel like I know my answer but I don’t wanna admit it… I am so depressed I hate it… I’ve gained so much weight… I’ve kept my weight off for 7 years…. So I am depressed about that now… but eating is the only comfort I have… I don’t have motivation to do anything… I say I love you to my partner and I know it’s true bc yes I love him but now I obsess about him leaving me… which is something I know I don’t have control over if it did happen… but I am scared it will that my obsessive behavior can’t handle it… I am seriously unhappy… I know I love him and I know I don’t wanna leave him. I’ve never had a clear mind in over a year well… in 9 1/2 years… how can you choose to love someone if you are just constantly doubting ur feelings for them? How can you even make love to them if all you hear is that you don’t love them or aren’t attracted over and over again… and when you hug them it feels fake each time… All I do is think about him… I am just so mentally exhausted… i wake up feeling nothing and go to bed feeling nothing at all… how can I be happy anymore feeling like this 24/7… I don’t even feel attractive to myself at all… I didn’t have the greatest confidence before this but I was happy with my weight before the depression… Like right now I am depressed I ate four slices of pizza… I am just truly unhappy with myself…

I’ve read and responded to a few of your posts. I really feel for your pain, and know you are suffering greatly. I also am seeing a pattern that is causing you this distress. You are allowing OCD to ruin your life; because you are playing by its rules. I know what I’ve told you to do is very hard, but this is how you get better. You don’t get better by trying to figure out if you’re in love with your bf. You don’t get better by looking for reassurance whether it’s Ocd or not. You don’t get better by avoiding your triggers or being compulsive and resisting your thoughts. You get better by accepting what’s happening. You get better by being kinder to yourself. You get better by allowing your thoughts to happen in your mind. You get better by accepting the risks of this relationship. By letting go of attachment from your partner and from food. By creating a moment where there is distance from sensation to thought. Noticing how your body reacts to it and not judging it either. You get better by finding a specialist for yourself, or finding a great book on how to deal with ocd. You get better by communicating with your partner and being honest about what ocd is doing to you. You don’t have to tell them specifics but you can be a team and work together. You get better by focusing on bettering yourself and doing acts of service not because of the results of them, but because ocd makes you self absorbed and you leave the present moment.

I am not sure what to say, i hope you can figure this out. This seems like an issue a therapist would have to help with bc there are so many underlying things in this post. I wish the best of luck to you!