I am tired. I can’t live like this. I notice and think about it willingly or unwillingly but i just do long story short this is just too convincing cause i am doing this to myself no one is forcing them into my mind. I see something and instantly i notice and i keep noticing and then don’t realise that if i am okay with it is it again just denial. And then look twice why would i do that and then feel like i am forcing these compulsions i ask myself to willingly think about the compulsions to be in denial even while writing this i am so calm these thoughts just feel way to real can hocd actually make you think like you it is true what you’re not accepting and make you feel like you actually do like them in all ways?!?! I go out with a friend and i have an intrusive thought I don’t disgust it I don’t feel it’s something I don’t want but I don’t act upon it maybe cause i am scared so i start to avoid it or idk what and then i am like controlling myself from doing what the thought wants me to and its like will i be okay if i do that and that literally gives me like direct evidence of just being in denial and not accepting and sometimes i feel i even believe myself when i say that you’re just in denial that shouldn’t happen with hocd. Should i even do therapy if all this while its just what i wasn’t accepting?!?

Sorry long post. Anyone feel like now they’re just in extreme denial. Like when I was little I noticed guys more than girls in movies and was more drawn to them. I remember changing my mindset to switch that. 98%of my life has been straight until recently. I felt drawn to some guys but never thought of it sexually. Always had girl crushes dreams and porn. Now I watch porn and I feel like straight takes longer and then I go and watch gay porn and feel nothing until I tell myself it’s two attractive dudes and love is love and imagine physical sensations and then it hits like suddenly. Like I have to convince myself it’s alright. Then when I try again I can do all that but feel nothing and then straight porn works. Idk if it’s just getting a fix or the first time works with anything or what but it’s confusing. On top of that I’ve felt girl relationships including my wife maybe miss something and a guy maybe matches that feeling that but then I feel like I’d be missing something without a girl or my wife. Idk I’ve had some rough times in life with male figures in my life but idk. I feel like I have to convince myself more and more that I’m straight even more than the first time I dealt with this. Can someone relate? Please

Anyone else with HOCD get thoughts of like "people in denial try to distract themselves" or anything along those lines when just trying to move on from the thoughts. Having a pretty bad episode this morning at least anxiety wise.

Like I can’t think straight. This is making me doubt everything I’ve thought about myself and even makes me feel like I like the thoughts when I know I don’t. Like I would be less anxious at a time while I still have the thoughts and my mind would go “oh so you like it you must be gay” or the other one where I’m not anxious and I think of my attraction for girls that I’ve had my whole life and my mind goes “see now you’re not into them you’re gay” like it’s so stupid but so effective. I clearly remember being into girls my whole life but my mind is making me believe that all these attractions and feelings for women were all fake or “a thing of the past”. But I can still get aroused by women but I have this weird anxiety going on which brings these sensations/feelings and it’s so weird. Today I’ve spent my whole day thinking about it like I’ve been doing for 5 months now. I know that this aint normal but my mind just won’t let me live in peace. I never cared about my sexuality cuz I simply liked women my whole life but now my sexuality is a fundamental philosophy. I hate this.