So my boyfriend and I had a rocky past. For the last 2 1/2 years we were on & off but never fulllly serious. So he always talked to girls and flirted and did all that. As did I when I was single single. During those times I found out cuz I would look through his phone. We eventually ended it for good and then a few months later he started to get his act right and we started to date officially and have been very committed for a year. I mean everything, meeting family, trips, he’s shown a lot that he’s changed in those aspects. My only boundary I asked from him was that when it came to social media, I didn’t want him liking pics of girls half naked or going on a follow spree of girls. I never cared about celebrities and I only refer this to girls i don’t like who don’t respect me/our relationship or friends of his that post bikini pics. That’s all lol. Social media was a huge thing for us because I would find everything out and so he told me he feels trapped like he can’t like anything and I know his every move. He’s afraid of leaving his phone with me cuz he feels I’ll look at his texts with his friends and everything and get mad at even a comment he makes. I had major trust issues going into this because of the past and eventually hit a point where I do trust him, but sometimes I have fears and insecurities and get that urge to look at his ig or his phone. He gets really upset if I violate his privacy and I get that, which is why I haven’t done in a long time but sometimes I’m like ok I have to just see. And I saw that he snapped a girl I hated, he just asked what bar it was and to him anything he says to other ppl is innocent and I get that and believe it but he doesn’t understand how those specific women work and why i feel it’s disrespectful. I mean he never asked me to but I deleted almost everyone I’ve even kissed. I don’t remember in the moment but I thought I saw a girl he snapped who has a premium Snapchat or something because in the messages she sent her PayPal from 2 years ago but she was in his recents snaps. I didn’t ask about that because we already had a huge conversation and now I’m really bothered by it but I’m usually wrong when I ask him anything so I’m afraid to bring it up. I am really bothered by that but I also know that he wouldn’t jeopardize our relationship. He shows me off all the time and he’s always showing how committed he is to me and I do believe that but still this weirdly makes me feel like when he’s alone he just looks at girls and does small things that aren’t break up worthy but enough to make him feel “free”. I mean dude I give him so much freedom so it fucking sucks that me having moments of insecurity and ONE boundary bounces back to me being an intrusive stalker girlfriend. I hadn’t went through his phone since February and I don’t ever want to do it like that again. I had a moment of weakness and I did see something I didn’t like, asked him and we did kind of just let it go but it turned into him telling me he feels like he can’t do nothing without me finding out even if it’s something as innocent as a like or a text to his friend saying a girl is cute or something. Like dude ur fucking human stfu I don’t care, I talk about guys with my friends. Just don’t act on it? And I know he wouldn’t so it’s like because of one thing he adds more shit to it and feels like I am trying to control him. And he WONT LISTEN TO ME and says I’m the problem cuz I have went through his phone. It sucks when we don’t see eye to eye on this. Everything else we can work through but this always becomes a huge thing cuz we don’t see eye to eye on it.

Recently my bf wanted to confess to a comment he made to his friends that always bothered him that he said this and it was literally within the first week we had met. (It’s sweet that he wanted to apologize for it, he even teared up bc he knew it would hurt my feelings) He told his friends that I was “super pretty but that he also thinks these girls on tiktok are hot” (girls with piercings and dark makeup, basically alt/ goth looking). Then he said “I just think that look is attractive.” He said the only reason he brought it up was bc he was on tiktok when he was talking to his friends (on discord) and a girl popped up on his FYP and made him think what he finds more attractive. Then his friends wanted to see pictures of me and everyone agreed I was pretty. Then like 3 days later he was talking to his friends again (they only ever talk through discord bc they don’t live in the same city) and was basically just raving about me and how pretty I am. Then his friends said “what about the tiktok girls and what you said” and then my bf said “I was trippin”. This is making my ocd so bad bc I kept ruminating if I should add it to the list of reasons why we need to break up or if this was my “sign” to end it. But then I also get reminded of the positive, like when he told me the first time he saw me he thought I was the prettiest girl he’d ever seen, and has even reassured me by showing me messages of him talking to his best friend about me (also the same week of us first talking) and told him that I was “actually perfect” and “INSANELY pretty”. I try not to be upset at him since this was when we barely knew each other and his type back then was more emo/alt girls at the time and I look different. But I have spiraled so much about it bc I don’t want him to settle for me. He’s tried reassuring me so many times that he was always very attracted to me and never thought anyone was prettier than me, he said just in that brief moment that look still caught his eye but that it went away super fast. He also tried explaining to me that “hot” doesn’t mean “better” or even “prettier” just that the look itself is what he used to describe as hot. He said “hot” is also a casual thing to say, especially to guy friends. Whereas to me, hot means the BEST looking. Sometimes I want him to admit that he was just not that attracted to me in the beginning/more attracted to tiktok girls in the beginning bc it makes more sense to me LOL but that’s just me being annoying and I get very bothered when someone tries to sugar coat things rather than telling me the harsh truth. I think this may be another common thing in ocd, like just WANTING him to tell me the worst case scenario bc it’s more logical to me that way. He ends up crying with me bc of how sad he feels that I have such low self esteem from it and also is so frustrated that I won’t believe him, even though he was honest enough to want to share this with me. Sometimes I think he is playing two truths and a lie to make his explanations more believable. Am I making him out to be a villain who always wants to manipulate me or is this just an instinct I have when I feel that someone is not telling me the truth. We’ve had other problems with him not wanting to be brutally honest bc of how I react so it always scares me that he is always telling me a fabricated story. I also am starting to feel embarrassed for myself and for him being with me. I wish someone could just tell me if the things he’s done or said are deal beakers

Longer post, but please, I need some guidance. I thought that my thoughts relating to relationship OCD were taking over. But, my bf started treating me differently. I tried to have a conversation and communicate this worry. He then texted me that he had actually been feeling distant for a month and has been meaning to tell me. But “we’re fine now.” I spiraled. Later in the week, he went quiet after a disagreement. After he promised we were okay and he was okay, I found later he was texting a mutual friend (female) that I was crying again. She said that it was fucking insane and other hurtful things about me. He said he lost his trust with me because I looked through his phone and saw that message even though during the whole relationship we had a mutual understanding that we had nothing to hide from each other and he always assured me that I could look through his phone at anytime. It’s ok for boundaries to change in a relationship, but it wasn’t communicated and I was harshly reprimanded. During the texting chain with the mutual friend he also said that “she just has no idea.” When I addressed this, he then said that for the past month, he actually felt he didn’t want to be in a relationship, but still loved me. I’m ruined. I had the same thoughts in January and knew I loved him. I found out it was ROCD (through this app) and told him the day after the realization because it was eating at me. So him saying I wouldn’t understand and telling other seems unjustified. I would’ve been the most understanding. Any help would be appreciated greatly.

i made a first post about this, this is the second part. but i decided to stay with him and things took a toll today. lately, for weeks now, i can’t get the thought of him cheating on me out of my head. some things have happened to cause me to think like this but recently it’s gotten worse. we got into a huge huge argument today and we nearly broke up. we had set a rule on instagram about updating each other when we posted or changed our profile photo bc he had trust issues with that in the past so we set those rules for him. and I gladly did so. but then today i texted him, nearly 10 hours went by - no response - then i open up instagram and he posted something without letting me know. so I got upset told him if that’s how he wants to do things then he can. then he got upset because i always “assume” things without asking but there was nothing to ask because you’ve been on your phone but you can’t text ur gf back? he claimed he was asleep and he woke up to post, and he said he saw my text but he didn’t feel like talking to me and didn’t know what to respond to with. on top of that his posts r made for a female audience. and then he said “you’re tweaking when ive only been gone for 9 hours”, but yesterday he got disappointed when i didn’t respond within an hour. and I told him his double standards are insane. he got mad. told me I should just leave him since he’s not enough and I made him feel like a sh*tbag. I don’t know what to do. i want to be with him but everytime we fight we end up fighting against each other and not the problem. he told me i need to ask before i assume things, but when i ask he says “im tired, i don’t wanna do this right now, im not worried about that can we just chill”. I don’t feel emotionally safe to open up to him. and he takes everything as an attack. he told me I should be with someone I trust but he’s not understanding that I want to trust him and I want to be with him and the reason why I don’t trust him is because of things he’s done and not because of my past, he thinks im projecting my past onto our rls. we decided to see if we could go 2 weeks without arguing and if we can’t we need to breakup but how can I improve my trust with him and our rls in general?