No one has the thoughts I have I am so close to coming out. I can't believe I'm saying this. I just said to myself wtf. I feel like I've lost my way completely I don't know what's right or wrong for me 😔

I'm so lost its unreal. I can't give up women I just can't

@Ihateocd83 I am tired too!! Everything is so confusing

@Ihateocd83 Do u feel as if u don't have ocd aswell? Everytime I say "I have ocd" i just think or is that just ur excuse for these thoughts

@Charlie Yeah for sure and sometimes I think I'm being sneaky about it 😔

Where did the chat go with that guy mate?

What happened to that chat we was in ?

I'm literally sitting in my car crying it feels as tho I want to be with a man. And the thought are killing me. I don't think I'm ever going to be happy again. I've had this on and off for 17 years. Just over a year ago shit got real. feelings like I want to be with a man attraction. Loss of attraction to women etc...

But I feel like I’m basing my sexual orientation on all these thoughts and it feels impossible to ignore. Another thing that bothered me is when people say “if you’ve enjoyed sex with women… you’re not gay.” I’ve always enjoyed my Heterosexual relationships but when I first started having sex I didn’t realise that I had a medical condition that made it very painful and not enjoyable. When I met my current gf I had just had an operation to sort this issue and finally felt good, and the first few weeks with her I just felt like everything ‘clicked’ and I was enjoying it. I then panicked that I would stop enjoying it again so I would fantasise during sex to make sure I enjoyed it (my fantasises were almost exclusively about women or a women having sex- but again this didn’t mean anything to me). I was still stupidly in love with my partner wnd with that my confidence went up and all my other relationships in life got stronger. I’m now worried that all the porn I watched was actually me finding the men attractive and not the women, and the thoughts of a guy having sex with a women was again me finding the guy attractive and not the women? And even as I right this I keep finding more times when I’ve watched sexual material where I Found the man attractive for a few seconds and then feeling uncomfortable?

@Dialup I can relate to what you’re saying. I had always been able to appreciate if a guy was attractive. But I always wanted to be with women sexually/romantically. I actually fell in love with my gf’s personality before I fell in love with her physically. For me it was always like an emotional partnership and that to me was the most important thing in the world. The sex is good but it wasn’t the thing that made me fall in love, if that makes sense? I had had a bit of a porn addiction before this relationship and for that reason I think it blinkered my view of what sex should be/feel like. But when we first got together for me it was an emotional connection I’d sometimes literally cry afterwards because I just felt so happy in love. Now it feels like that was all a lie or I was just in denial and didn’t want to admit I wasn’t enjoying the sex? But in the moment I did enjoy it but it also wasn’t incredibly important for me. Our partnership was what was important. But now when I look back through my past it’s as if I’ve found guys attractive all along but was just denying it? But I genuinely don’t think that’s the case because if I ever found a guy attractive it was always watching very sexual material anyway so to me that never felt as being a reason that I must be gay. Now it’s literally all I think about every second of every day from the moment I wake till I sleep and then in my dreams I think about all the little signs that point me towards that I must be gay. And the scary thing is it doesn’t scare me as much as it used to a few months ago, I don’t even know what I want anymore? I don’t think I would enjoy sex with a man but then again I’m not sure where we I used to be really sure that I definitely wouldn’t?

@Dialup Why the hell am I thinking of men then in my head all the time....how do I get past this. It feels as tho I just can't handle that I might be gay or bi 😔

@Dialup Are you saying that me being in love overrode my sexuality? Or that it just diminished my sexual desires/expectations? And yes I very much get this. I find that I just naturally find woman attractive without thinking about it. But obviously that then latched onto my OCD because I wouldn’t make a concious effort to find a women attractive so the memory isn’t there as much as to when I’ve analysed and then found a guy attractive. I hope you don’t mind me venting like this by the way?

@Dialup In terms of overshadowing. Did my being in love therefore cover up my true sexuality and now that I’ve obsessed over it I’m now realising it?

@Dialup I’ve done so much obsessing that it feels like I can see the signs when I look back now though? But they were things that at the time either didn’t bother me or just didn’t matter. I just knew that I was always romantically and sexually attracted to women. But now it feels like I never was.

@Dialup I used to love women so much. Like they were my everything. And to have this taken away is like taking my life away from me I never had 1 gay thought before the age of 22. I'm 38 now and I just think I was in denial all a long. But the thought of being with a man just makes me so upset. I've never had any gay experiences in my life 😔

@Dialup Why is no one getting back to me ? 😔. Is because there is no hope for me

@Dialup It really doesn't feel like that I keep saying in my head I want a husband and shit like that it's so depressing. I've never had these feelings or thoughts before I just had them here and there. Now it's all the time like from the moment I wake etc. And also feels like I'm attracted to penises. How can it get this bad without being gay in some way 😔

@Dialup So you can see what I'm dealing with here 😔

@Dialup Sorry to also join in again. But what I struggle with is I had never had gay thoughts, or a want to be in a gay relationship. But I always seeked close same sex friendships. And I always noticed and admired how attractive my friends are. So it now feels like that was attraction all along. Because I always seemed to seek friendship with attractive men? But when it came to women I would always then want to establish a romantic relationship. And going on from what @ihateocd said. When watching sexual material/porn as I got more addicted to it I got more aroused by the males but to me that was never me wanting to be with them if that makes sense? Is that normal or am I just in denial?