Please help. I’m spiraling again. I’m also sitting at work crying my eyes out. What is the difference between this and denial? I just want to be happy.

I am really worried because I felt confident about my appearance today, then I found myself thrown into imagining if I did certain things like flipping my hair or just looking good around a certain coworker and they'd find it attractive. I don't like that coworker at all and I'm in a happy relationship with my boyfriend, this made me feel awful and I starting feeling disloyal again. I don't know if it's an old habit, a desire for external validation, or what. I can't tell if this was a thought pattern connected to my last post or not. All I know is that I'm really stuck right now. I feel like every time I pick myself back up, I fall right back down again, like there's ice in the road. I can't help but feel like everything I touch or everything I think about crumbles. I feel like my own mind is against me and I don't know who to trust anymore. These small OCD spirals are really messing with my work life, s*x life, everything really, and it's getting to me. I feel with every spiral that I'm getting sucked into a depression again and I don't know what's next. It doesn't matter how small the "bad" thing that "i did" was, but I feel that every little thing is building up to a point and something is going to crash down. I need help. What do I do? Right when everything around me seems to be going up, I feel like I'm being dragged down and I can't do this anymore. Please help me.

I genuinely can't help but feel irredeemable over every little mistake made or regret I've had. It's so up and down, but I just miss the certainty. Knowing "this is who I am." I'm so disconnected from myself. Like, I'm really, really trying. Today is really rough... I got triggered the other night, and it's been hell since. I've been fighting seeking reassurance. I want it so, so incredibly bad, but I know it won't help me :( Some days, I just don't want to be here. It's funny because yesterday I felt amazing until I got triggered. I just immediately spiraled after that. I don't know. Does it genuinely get better? Will therapy really help me? Sometimes, I think maybe this is the best it'll get, and that scares me. Sorry for the vent. I'm just feeling so overwhelmingly anxious right now. I can't even cry (due to Zoloft). It feels claustrophobic somehow, having all these emotions trapped inside of my body with nowhere to go 😭

Please help I am having the worst spiral I have had in 5 years. I am doing so bad to the point I could not even sleep. I’m so scared, anxious and confused. I did ocd therapy for a long time and my therapist told me I was doing so well I needed to stop. Which I was until about 2-3 weeks ago it started back super bad. And now as of yesterday the intrusive thoughts feel more definitive. They are making me spiral, it literally feels like my brain is jumping from side to side. I love my boyfriend more than I knew was humanly possible. I haven’t lost my attraction to him, not that I know of… I don’t want to break up with him bc i love him, I think he’s hot, I want to marry him but I’m terrified that I am just lying and that the feelings never were true! I don’t know how to make it stop. I tried all night not to research and I had to give in. 😭 this is hell