I had a good time tonight as I celebrated one of my friends' birthday -- and OCD has been quite manageable for a few days. But for no reason, while waiting at the crossing on our way back home I suddenly had this image of me pushing another friend of mine (who was here) in front of a bus. It felt so real for a couple of minutes, I thought I actually did it. This is so disturbing, I can't stop thinking that I might be capable of hurting people and I really should avoid them for their own safety. I've always had low self-esteem but it feels even worse at the moment.

Guys I feel a bit bothered. I fear I liked a thought bc my sister was showing me this video about a robbery and right before she was going to show me I was thinking "no... tsk this is not what I want to see. Dont think of anything." But i had to watch bc my sister was already playing the video. I tried to not pay as much attention. I hate watching videos that have stuff related to harm bc ocd loves to latch on. I got so many thoughts. But when I saw the person pull out a weapon and the cashier jump extremely high, I felt like laughing??? But not bc of what was going on but bc "why did he jump like that? It was so high! You know what? I would've jumped liked this too. That's scary!" And then I felt angry for the cashier bc why do evil people commit such things? How the heck? But ocd says i laughed bc I felt a sense of superiority and liked seeing people scared and want to feel a distorted sense of power. Like.. no? I knew I felt like laughing bc I didn't expect him to jump so high and I wanted to point it out but decided not to bc the video is serious, and it's not a movie. But I feel kinda guilty like why tf did I feel like laughing. I didn't even smile or actually laugh irl but it's bothering me. Then my sister showed me some other video and explained a specific weapon and I kept getting thoughts like "ohhh i want that! I wanna scare people too! I want to test the thoughts to double check if i actually like them" And it gave me an image of me doing something crazy like robbing a store as well! AND IT FELT REAL! I WASNT EVEN WANTING TO THINK THIS! Im worried this means its real or that i enjoyed the thought and fantasized, but at the same time ik im not actually interested nor do I have plans but what if I WANTED to for those few seconds?! Bc why did it FEEL like I enjoyed it??? I know I wouldn't, i dont have plans to nor do i want to think about making plans and I'm genuinely not interested but WHAT IF??? Did i enjoy this thought?! It felt like I wanted to bc I didn't immediately reject it like usual and for some reason felt "happy" (i didnt smile or anything but it FELT like i was happy???) Literally right after the thought came i was thinking to myself "OMG is that true?" And couldn't focus on anything else! How do I know I didnt genuinely enjoy and dont have some weird sense of power??? It's been bothering me so much, this happened a couple hours ago and I managed to fall asleep in the middle of my compulsion of mentally reviewing how I reacted to my thoughts.

So recently I have been talking to this guy and I really like him and for the past week I felt really good and happy about it, but then a sneaky intrusive thought popped up about what if in the future when and if the time comes to sleep in the same bed, I inappropriately touch him while he’s sleeping. Now I’ve struggled with sexual intrusive thoughts like that before so my brain just kept reminding me of how that thought felt the last time it came up, and the thoughts of sexually harming this person started snowballing and making me feel worse and worse. I spent most of the day crying and panicking wishing my brain could just shut down, and now all I want to do is hide from this person so I don’t get the chance to hurt him, which makes me feel even worse because I had been feeling so good about him just the other day. I was just wondering if anyone else had experienced this and if they might have any insight

I’ve been triggered so bad this week I’ve had bad anxiety and feel depression coming on. Last night I had a thought oh let’s plan it and I immediately thought why would I think that and started crying bad. I’ve had these thoughts for 7 months I really don’t know why I’m having these thoughts, if I knew I would work on it. Like people say has something happened in your life for you to have these thoughts and nothing has happened, it all started off from what if thoughts , like “what if I’m a psycho” because I saw this fb post saying introverts are more likely to become psychopaths and it all spiralled from there I started getting thoughts about harm towards others and myself. What do you think guys should I treat it like ocd or do you think there’s something seriously wrong with me.