Reposting bc I added info. I can’t get over the guilt of having hurt someone over 3 times. I don’t know what is going on with me and why this is happening since 2 days ago. I usually struggle with false memory ocd but this has been new. 1. I knew she had her first day of class and she told me she has an adjustment disorder but I still asked her if she had homework. My mind thought it could make her wanna die if I reminded her of hw. But I still finished the sentence. I dont know when exactly my mind told me she could die bc of me but it’s saying it already knew when I decided to say it. 2. She was saying something to my mom in the car ride home and my mind said she will be hurt if I put my shoulder on my seat hard while shes talking because it will make her feel like I hate her or something. I moved my shoulder inwards so she doesn’t get offended at first and so she can’t see my shoulder. She was sitting in the back seat and I was sitting in the front seat. But for some reason, after that i put my shoulder down on my seat back pretty hard. My mind associated it with her being offended and it adding up and making her want to die. But yet I think I ignored it and still did it. Idk if it was me trying to show my mind who is boss or if I really tried to kill her. But my mind is saying it’s the negative one. 3. Today she seemed more talkative and lively than yesterday and I was trying to help at first when I started saying “maybe you are starting to adjust” but in the middle of it my brain gave me some sort of signal. It was a negative signal that I now feel familiar with. Saying it’s gonna offend her bc I am bringing up her adjustment disorder in the car infront of my parents and son. It was only a signal then but it obviously meant what it always means. Which is she’s gonna die if you say this. Yet I still finished the sentence it was almost like a tick, but felt like i was knew I was ignoring the signal that was telling me it will kill her? But It came out anyway? And my mind is saying I did it on purpose. And it would be ok if it were once but I’m afraid that all these together will add up and make her want to die. If not now, then later. Then I started to think well there are bullies who bully someone everyday. But then my brain is saying that bullying someone around the same time everyday at school is different from the times that I unintentionally bullied her in after school hours. Well it was unintentional at the first half of it and then when i decided to ignore my brain that told me it will hurt her and i still finished my sentence/ did the action of putting my shoulder down hard. I feel so guilty and i never did this until yesterday. I dont know whats going on with me. Why am i being this way all of a sudden? The guilt is eating me i dont even wanna talk to anyone incase i hurt/make them die bc of something i said or action i did. But i feel very unworthy of living now bc of the guilt. I don’t even know if this is ocd anymore. Idk what is happening to me. Please report me to the police if I need to be locked up. Maybe I need to go to a psych ward. Idk what is happening. I feel so alone.

I’ve done things in the past few years that I’m not proud of - only a couple of things I can think of and they didn’t directly hurt anyone at least with is relieving (but maybe indirectly they sort of did or could’ve which makes me hate myself because why did I do that… *how* could I do that…) If I could back and stop those things from happening, I would. I may not have thought about what I was doing at the time, so I didn’t really recognize that they weren’t okay, but that doesn’t excuse them, and I would smack some sense into my past self if I were able. I feel like if anyone knew what I‘ve done, they wouldn’t want anything to do with me. They’d write me off as worthless. And maybe they should to be honest. Now yet another thing has come up - I haven’t done anything, but I had an intrusive thought pop up that made me *think* about doing something and this would be unforgivable in my opinion. Though, to be honest, the things I’ve done before are also somewhat unforgivable in my opinion… 😞 Regardless, I don’t want to do it because I don’t think it’s okay, but I worry deep down that I do. Or that I’m looking for an excuse to make it okay to do. I don’t know, it’s complicated. And I’m upset I even thought about it. I wish I had never seen the thing that triggered that intrusive thought. Yet another thing I would stop if I could. I’ve tried to not think about it or focus on it, but it doesn’t work. Even if it goes away, it just comes back again. I just keep thinking about it and it’s overwhelming. Anyway all of the guilt of this is killing me. I feel like an irredeemably terrible person and it makes me want to give up. I can’t get on with life because it’s paralyzing. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, and at this point, it feels like I don’t deserve to just move on. I can’t live with myself and I feel like I don’t deserve anything anymore. I know a lot of this is probably OCD, but I’m not sure all of it is and I don’t know what to do… if I spoke to a therapist about it, I don’t think I could bring myself to say what I’ve done or what thoughts I’ve had. But if I was told to move on by someone who didn’t know the truth, I would worry they wouldn’t really say that if they knew. Agh, it’s all just a mess 😞

Hey so a couple months ago (7-8) I remember being upset at my family member. Like she was talking too much while I was annoyed and remember wanting her to be quiet. I got an intrusive thought like a really bad image of doing something really bad to her, and my hand twitched to the side a little? Like it felt like I was about to?! And I remembered thinking "if I do this, I'll get in trouble". I got up and left to the bathroom and felt horrified! I was thinking "did I want to act out? Did the only reason I didn't act out was because of getting in trouble? If there was no consequences, would have I done it?! Does this mean this whole time I've been using OCD as an excuse?" I remember I couldn't sleep for 3 nights because of how bad the anxiety was, I was crying and I felt very guilty like I should turn myself in to a mental hospital. I couldn't eat for many days or be near her because of that thought and twitch I had! I'm worried it was an impulse or I actually wanted to hurt her. And even to this day I still ruminanate about this. Like last night I couldn't sleep well I kept waking up every two hours and asking myself "am I capable?" I couldn't eat last night. Sometimes I move on from it like I forget that happened but when I remember, I feel distressed about it! I don't want to be an evil person or do bad actions towards anyone! I'm even scared to be angry because of this because I'm scared I have more "chance" of acting out due to anger. Like was it an impulse and I held back? Is this even OCD? Please help, I'm really scared!

I dont know whats going on. I dont know if its OCD anymore. I know it was in the beginning. Ive been through a lot of trauma and had one little scary thought of killing my sister 4 months ago that has blossomed into this giant idea of me being a serial killer and wanting to hurt everyone (I never had any social issues growing up but I have had some trauma). Recently I’ve been having urges to just give in. And my mental images have been horrible and I can’t stop checking if I like them or not. I think I’ve convinced myself I have. This morning I woke up a shaking mess with an urge to unalive my family and when my mom left for work I was alone with my sister and couldnt stop vomiting uncontrollably. I dont know if i’m upset because I cant hurt anyone and I want to, or if I’m scared and just want my old life back. I was an avid horror and gore lover and now I’m convinced I want to do the things I’ve seen in the movies. Someone please help. I’m ready to check into the psych ward.