Reposting bc I added info. I can’t get over the guilt of having hurt someone over 3 times. I don’t know what is going on with me and why this is happening since 2 days ago. I usually struggle with false memory ocd but this has been new. 1. I knew she had her first day of class and she told me she has an adjustment disorder but I still asked her if she had homework. My mind thought it could make her wanna die if I reminded her of hw. But I still finished the sentence. I dont know when exactly my mind told me she could die bc of me but it’s saying it already knew when I decided to say it. 2. She was saying something to my mom in the car ride home and my mind said she will be hurt if I put my shoulder on my seat hard while shes talking because it will make her feel like I hate her or something. I moved my shoulder inwards so she doesn’t get offended at first and so she can’t see my shoulder. She was sitting in the back seat and I was sitting in the front seat. But for some reason, after that i put my shoulder down on my seat back pretty hard. My mind associated it with her being offended and it adding up and making her want to die. But yet I think I ignored it and still did it. Idk if it was me trying to show my mind who is boss or if I really tried to kill her. But my mind is saying it’s the negative one. 3. Today she seemed more talkative and lively than yesterday and I was trying to help at first when I started saying “maybe you are starting to adjust” but in the middle of it my brain gave me some sort of signal. It was a negative signal that I now feel familiar with. Saying it’s gonna offend her bc I am bringing up her adjustment disorder in the car infront of my parents and son. It was only a signal then but it obviously meant what it always means. Which is she’s gonna die if you say this. Yet I still finished the sentence it was almost like a tick, but felt like i was knew I was ignoring the signal that was telling me it will kill her? But It came out anyway? And my mind is saying I did it on purpose. And it would be ok if it were once but I’m afraid that all these together will add up and make her want to die. If not now, then later. Then I started to think well there are bullies who bully someone everyday. But then my brain is saying that bullying someone around the same time everyday at school is different from the times that I unintentionally bullied her in after school hours. Well it was unintentional at the first half of it and then when i decided to ignore my brain that told me it will hurt her and i still finished my sentence/ did the action of putting my shoulder down hard. I feel so guilty and i never did this until yesterday. I dont know whats going on with me. Why am i being this way all of a sudden? The guilt is eating me i dont even wanna talk to anyone incase i hurt/make them die bc of something i said or action i did. But i feel very unworthy of living now bc of the guilt. I don’t even know if this is ocd anymore. Idk what is happening to me. Please report me to the police if I need to be locked up. Maybe I need to go to a psych ward. Idk what is happening. I feel so alone.

I dont know whats going on. I dont know if its OCD anymore. I know it was in the beginning. Ive been through a lot of trauma and had one little scary thought of killing my sister 4 months ago that has blossomed into this giant idea of me being a serial killer and wanting to hurt everyone (I never had any social issues growing up but I have had some trauma). Recently I’ve been having urges to just give in. And my mental images have been horrible and I can’t stop checking if I like them or not. I think I’ve convinced myself I have. This morning I woke up a shaking mess with an urge to unalive my family and when my mom left for work I was alone with my sister and couldnt stop vomiting uncontrollably. I dont know if i’m upset because I cant hurt anyone and I want to, or if I’m scared and just want my old life back. I was an avid horror and gore lover and now I’m convinced I want to do the things I’ve seen in the movies. Someone please help. I’m ready to check into the psych ward.

I would really appreciate it so much if someone took the time to read this and help me. I don’t know what to do anymore. I haven’t posted here in awhile. I had my OCD managed pretty decently for a year or so on medication, but I had to stop taking it, and after around 3-4 months, the OCD has become unbearable again. It used to be much more surrounding existential themes, eating, and others, not really real event/false memory stuff. But now it’s gotten really out of hand and I don’t know how to do it anymore. It’s surrounding a time of my life a long time ago. It was a dark time. I wasn’t myself and I was going through a lot of things, and I did a lot of things I regret. I self-destructed, embarrassed myself, and wasn’t good to the people around me. I was able to get my mind off of it for a long time, even though I would still think about it a good amount. I was able to be in the present, at least moreso than now. But now that I’m off medication, the guilt has become my obsession again. I can’t move on. I can’t do anything without thinking about all of these memories. I’m obsessed. I’ve started hating myself again, so much so that it’s hard to do anything anymore or believe I deserve anything good. The people around me tell me it wasn’t even that bad, but to me it was. To me, I failed myself, lost myself, and failed everyone around me. I can’t stop thinking about every person I said something wrong to or every time I screwed up. I’ve now started to convince myself I did terrible things I can’t remember, and that my mind just can’t deal with it. And that’s why I feel so guilty. There’s nothing to really support this though. But I’m starting to really convince myself that’s true. I’m trying not to listen to it, because I’ve convinced myself I have hit people with my car before and haven’t remembered when I absolutely didn’t and I know I never have. I drive back over and over to check there’s no one, even though I never heard any bang or felt myself anything. I can convince myself of some crazy false memories. So I know that I shouldn’t listen. But it’s hard not to when I have this guilt gnawing at me constantly. I come to conclusions that this guilt must be because I did something terrible that I don’t remember, even though I already think the things I remember were bad enough. But I would know by now right? If I did something bad I don’t remember? I don’t feel like this all the time. But it’s a lot of the time. But maybe that should be reassuring, that I only start obsessing like this when I think to. The past haunts me though. And I can never be in the present. I’ve started to resort to some unhealthy behaviors to distract myself or help me work towards something. I am starting to hate myself so much and feel like there’s no way I’ll ever be able to get out of this loop. I feel like I just can’t do this anymore. Maybe I need to go back on medication. But I don’t know. I don’t really want to. But will I ever fix this without it? Why do I feel SO guilty, all of the time? I do all these things for people because I feel indebted to them, because I feel undeserving of everything. I feel awful about myself. I don’t know what to do. Does anyone else deal with this?

I don't know what this is, I don't know enough about OCD, my psychiatrist put me on a medication and told me I have OCD and a mood disorder but I didn't ask any questions because I didn't want to be annoying. I have "evidence" that every year, when I think about death, the world kills someone I love, and it always happens twice. I have nothing to help change that, like, I don't do anything with my thoughts or anything numbers or ritually, so I wasn't sure if it even was OCD, but I do move my hands in certain ways to make my friends happy or improve their lives. Also I cant turn off my fan or something SA related will happen (i dont know how) I think that the world is threatening me, and that if I do something wrong or involve myself with certain things, the world will punish me and the people around me, so all I can do is apologize I've tried looking into the different types of OCD, and all of them are things that I've been anxious about before, but I haven't really been so anxious about any one of them in particular or held onto it for so long, or done any rituals, that I would probably not even say I have OCD. Like, I worry that I'm a nazi, I worry that I like kids, I worry that I killed my friend, I worry that I have schizophrenia or am somehow giving myself it, I worry that I'm going to abuse someone, I worry that I've already abused someone, I worry that somehow I might die, I worry people can hear my thoughts, I worry about ignoring my friend when he cried out for help, I worry that God has already rejected me from heaven, I worry that I like women, I worry that if I don't hit the hammer 9 times on the wall when Im using it that just something bad will happen that I dont know what and I don't know why, and I feel like I don't have a single compulsion that can even "fix" or bring relief to any of these things besides saying sorry, because if I say sorry at least people know that I am apologetic for the crimes I've committed, but saying sorry doesn't fix anything except my own guilt so I'm just a bad person looking for sympathy or seeking attention I don't know enough about OCD, and I don't know how to seek help for my condition because I don't even know if that's really what I have, if I'm not just simply anxious, or possibly schizophrenic Does any of this seem familiar to anyone? Can it be this varied and unfocused? Does this really sound like OCD, or can it be anything else, because I don't want to bark up the wrong tree when I could just be taking medication for something else.