it's so illogical how my brain comes to conclusions on my intrusive thoughts. yesterday i was being productive and actually doing my homework and i was proud of myself. it's something i normally struggle with because my intrusive thoughts lower my motivatio. so now i think just because i'm being more productive means my intrusive thoughts are true and no longer bother me. anyways just something i realized and wanted to share.

I don’t know how to explain this so I’ll do it to the best of my ability. Does anyone experience “co-intrusive” thoughts that try to negatively support the initial intrusive thought? Example: Me: “Thank God I never acted on (scary intrusive thought) & I’m getting better!” Intrusive thought: “What a shame you didn’t” These types of things send me into a spiral. It makes me think that it could lead to a desire instead of staying a fear. Like an intrusive disappointment that I didn’t follow through with the thought? It’s been a long fear/obsession & I think my OCD is trying to trick me that the only satisfaction would be to act on the thought. (I know that’s bs) But IS that why it sends me the negative co-intrusive thoughts? That’s the only explanation that makes sense. Then I wonder is it something else? Am I a grenade waiting to explode??? I simply cannot relax in any moment because I think what’s the use if I’m just going to (xyz) one day?

I am (or was)! Yesterday, I started to get really anxious for unknown reasons, and then (just my luck) I got triggered by something online 😭 It's always so... humbling. I'm trying to sit with the intrusive thoughts at this moment, but I'm just feeling really icky and a bit down. With OCD, it's bound to happen at some point, I guess. Even without OCD, you're going to have good and bad days. It's just how life is 🥲 I'm just afraid of being slingshot back to how I felt a few months ago, which I know realistically WON'T happen, but my brain doesn't want me to think logically lol. I'm also afraid that the repetitive nature of OCD intrusive thoughts will somehow alter who I am as a person, making my fears a reality? It's weird. Classic OCD, but it still makes me anxious! I have been doing better not engaging with these thoughts, but occasionally, I'll accidentally argue back. It doesn't help because then my brain says, "You're just in denial, and you're actually a bad person!" And whenever I say anything in opposition of something against my morals, it feels performative or fake for some reason 🫠 I'm just venting at this point, I'm sorry! Anyway, if anyone reads this, I hope you're doing okay, and if not, I hope things look up soon. Take care of yourselves, stay hydrated, and rest well!

Anxiety is much better but intrusive thoughts have reared their ugly head again. Thing is they don’t scare me but they seem like they should have meaning since I’m not anxious like I used to be!