My grandma let me stay home from school today because I’ve been doing really bad and I had an upset stomach so I was stuck in the restroom but I completely forgot we had a test for band and a football game (season ended, it’s like an extra game) so I’m getting 3 zeros and I feel super anxious/guilty for not going now. But at the same time, I am struggling terribly to keep up. I’m in band, the math team, high q and academic decathlon. Additionally, I’m in calculus , an AP course which is also very time consuming and demanding. I have meetings for one of the clubs every day. So I usually get home around 5 or 6 depending on the day and then I spend an hour trying to do my calculus homework that I’m really not understanding, I shower and eat and then get maybe 2 hours to myself before I have to go to sleep and do it all over again the next day. My calculus/math team teacher is disappointed in me because of my low grade but I really do try. I don’t study every day like she wants me to, but I squeeze in when I can and I show up the mornings that I need help and stay for her math practice for two hours. My band teacher’s try to be understanding which is why I feel guilty and on Tuesday’s I have sectionals but I can’t go because I have math team practice and my math team teacher said if I go and miss practice more than once she’ll kick me off the team. My academic decathlon teacher is the biggest sweetheart ever and always so understanding but if I decide to go to his meetings I miss out on practicing my clarinet so that my band director isn’t upset. (I’m first chair in his top band). Weekends are the Only time I have off and that was only recently , when marching season was going on a few weeks ago I had competitions every Saturday. I’m also supposed to be applying to colleges but I’m struggling to find the motivation for anything. And while all this is going on, my home life is a mess. My sister struggles severely with depression and has even been diagnosed with psychotic tendencies. It makes me so anxious/upset/hurt and frustrated when she threatens my family. She’s constantly in and out of the mental hospital and always takes my stuff without asking and leaves glue/paint all over it. My grandparents are very stubborn and see things the way they want , which means they have a lot of misconceptions about mental health that don’t make it any easier on my sister and I. My mom I only see every couple of days and let’s just say my relationship with her isn’t the best and she also has her own problems going on. My relationship is long distance too which is very difficult but my partner is so supportive and loving which helps me so much and the fact that we’re long distance means I have time to myself which is good because of how busy I am but sometimes I miss his presence so much. But worst of all is that underneath everything I am struggling so much with my ocd. It doesn’t even feel ocd some days. Everyday in band, in calculus, at football games, in the restroom at school I’m just ruminating and googling, having intrusive thoughts/urges about sexual orientation ocd. Everyday I grieve for the girl I used to be and I grieve for the love and attraction I had for my beautiful boyfriend who I really want to marry one day but I feel doomed to become something I don’t want to be. Those thoughts are what drains the life out of me, the reason I don’t want to go to school or enjoy my extracurricular actives , the reason I don’t study as much or read as much. Because I feel so sad to have my identity compromised , to have to stolen from me. To feel less than I am, to feel unworthy of the love I receive. To wonder if there is something wrong with me, that hurts me more than anything. That was just a large vent I needed to put out there

Having ocd is so incredibly exhausting and depressing- my mom and dad argued with me for over an hour talking about how im a pain to be around, go in too many loops, and ruin everything and everyones mood… this conversation started with me saying im stressed out because of school and that i dont want to go because im exhausted- and idk if this is like ocd directly but it takes me like 2 hours to get ready in the morning because i need to look PERFECT and the same everyday literally 😭 and that process feels so exhausting every morning at 6am but i will NOT go to school without going through with it- i will literally be crying and shaking and wanting to go home the minute i get to school if even a single strand of my hair is not perfectly straightened or any blemishes or flaws are showing- and i cant even walk to school or anything bc im scared the humidity will mess with my hair and everything- and it just really affects my life? And yeah its freaking exhausting. And i have two more years of highschool and I dont know if im going to make it 😭i get super stressed over grades too because i need them to be extraordinary otherwise its a fail. Nothing below 95%. And thats also tiring! 😁 and my mom told me today “medication IS NOTTTT AND OPTION!!!” Like oh okay so im just cooked 😭 and therapy isnt really helping me at all- i feel like what im being told is so basic and generic and it doesn’t help me when im in a huge ocd episode- which is often… and what i hate most is like my mom says “don’t come to me with your problems after 6pm…” im sorry i cant schedule my feelings 😭 im so tired

This is about OCD but also I just want to rant, I feel very lonely at times. My dad died when I was very young & as the oldest daughter I feel like I’ve had to be strong my entire life. My friends & family love and support me but for some reason I’ve never felt comfortable being vulnerable or discussing my feelings. Everyone tells me I’m the person they go to for advice/support but I have never once opened up to anyone, it almost feels impossible to do so. I mask so well that none of my friends or family know I struggle. No one has ever seen me cry. Also, as a college student with a small group of friends who go out of state, I don’t have many friends in my area so that contributes to feeling isolated. I’ve been diagnosed with OCD, anxiety, & ADHD. As long as I can remember I’ve felt like a bad person and undeserving of love unless i prove myself by being good or useful. I try to keep myself working, volunteering & double majoring in school to feel worthy of love. I genuinely do love life & am so thankful because I feel very blessed. I have good friends & family. But I also feel isolated. (Ik I isolate myself but at the same time I don’t know how to stop). Anyways back in December I broke up with my bf who I had dated for yearsss. He really violated my trust & cheated on me after making me feel crazy for so long & swearing he would never betray me again. It hurt deeply. But ofc I handled it the only way I know how. By being strong. I self isolated. I didn’t tell any of my friends for weeks that we broke up and when I did, I didn’t tell them why (to preserve his image). No one saw how badly it hurt me. To everyone else I seemed fine. I started coping with it in embarrassing ways. I had casual sex with multiple people very quickly that clearly only wanted that from me & didn’t care about me as a person. I am ashamed of this. I’ve stopped meeting new people and decided that’s not the way I want to be and I want to put my energy into healthy outlets. But sometimes in moments of weakness I have had relations with past people (wanting to feel loved & desired & wanted). Anyways my recent theme of OCD has been health + morality related, specifically the fear that I have an STD. I started having some bodily sensations (that i’ve had in the past & aren’t STD related) and started worrying that I may have an STD. When I get health anxiety, I sometimes avoid doctors. I did that for about a month but finally scheduled an appt for Monday. But now the guilt is eating at me and saying “what if you had an STD this whole time & knowingly gave it to others bc you avoided doctors?” That causes me a lot of guilt & shame. I know this is OCD so I’m trying not to ask for reassurance. Sorry that was so long, this is the first time I’ve ranted in a very long time. I just want someone to see me.

I feel like my life is shifting for the better possibly because I’m finally taking myself seriously. However, I simultaneously feel like im so far behind compared to my peers. It’s like i have to fail multiple times in order for me to understand the importance of my future. Everything I do needs to be perfect and if it’s not I am never satisfied - whether it’s school work, appearance, or even everyday tasks. Then I keep reflecting on old memories and it’s very difficult. An old ocd tic is coming back where whenever I get a “cringey” or “unwanted” thought about myself I have to say a phrase out loud to get rid of it. Lately lot of my compulsions are old and new ones. For example, I compulsed and confessed to everyone in my extended family about my ocd because I thought it’d make them understand me more but it doesn’t. I overshared and over explained far too much to them as I usually do to anyone I talk to. I’m constantly over apologizing. Ill be driving, hit a bump, and think I ran someone over or a family or a pregnant woman and I’ll be pulled over. I keep getting detailed imagery of me getting crushed in my car. If I kill a bug I’m convinced I will pay for it in some way or another and karma will get to me even if I feel bad. I delete and redownload the same 3 social media apps every day. I’m pretty sure I have an addiction to pornography and I want it to stop. No other girl deals with this. Someone on here said on one of my posts reguarding relationship ocd before that I might have bpd and now this is really weighing on me. I can’t stop googling abt it. I feel stupid because I could have it so much worse like other people on this planet do and yet here I am. I have the privilege to log onto this app and complain about my troubles while someone else is worried about if they’re going to eat tonight. I feel incredibly selfish and small when I express myself because people usually think I’m too much it seems. I don’t like people in my generation (gen z) because social media has triggered my lcd and it feeds this idea to people that other people are easily accessible or disposable at any given point - you give someone a follow/unfollow button and now they feel entitled to you. I want to be left alone and not perceived by anyone because no one will ever fully understand me. All I want is to be a peaceful person, an amazing psychiatrist, an educated and healthy woman, who people will take seriously. I just feel like my goals are impossible because I keep messing up and struggling with staying consistent. I sometimes wish I could be someone else so I could take this pressure off me. I’m sorry for how scattered this is, I’m probably just overtired and burnt out from life