I genuinely feel that i post for the sake of it cause nothing anybody writes back to me reassures me anymore.. is it because the thoughts i have are actually true and i know how this works now so i force these compulsions cause its easier that way? Would i actually be okay and believe if someone just disregards all this and says i am in denial and i should accept would i be okay with that? Will i have anxiety I don’t think so i am numb that nothing matters to me anymore what do i do?!

I sometimes see posts on here of people saying their OCD fears becoming true and it’s so so triggering for me. It makes me question if I ever had OCD and if I’m just faking it. I’ve tried to accept that my fear was real. Okay? Before I knew this was OCD, I really TRIED to accept it as a part of myself because I figured if I was even having those thoughts, it must be true. But in reality it just made me feel worse in the end. It wasn’t until several hours/few days after accepting the thoughts as true did I realize they were not and how uncomfortable it made me identifying with them that way, so eventually I went back into the rumination cycle. And I’ve done this multiple times. No matter how much I’ve accepted it as real, I never come to a conclusion in the end and I just get 10x more miserable. And I am still so scared of my fear coming true as those peoples did. But I know that’s what we all fear, otherwise we wouldn’t be here. And with a new fear I just developed, (all in the realm of the same theme) I’ve also tried to accept it as real when I felt SUPER convinced and even though it felt excruciatingly real, there was a part of me that couldn’t fully believe it, because I just know viscerally that it’s not. But the feeling of it being real is just too powerful and it overmastered any ounce of insight I had left. It wasn’t until my OCD spike calmed down when I was able to see through the viel. I hate this. I have no desire to do anything that my thoughts tell me. I know what I want to be, want to do, and it’s the opposite of those OCD thoughts. But these triggering posts won’t leave. (Not really the publishers fault, it’s my ritual that I engage in). They make me come all back to square one (if I wasn’t there already) and question if I’m using this as an excuse. I don’t want to do what my OCD tells me to do, but my brain just spits, “you’re just convincing yourself you don’t want this!” as it so often now does. I’m so tired. Please give me my old self back. Please give me 100% certainty that none of this is real and my fears are not at all based in reality. My brain cannot accept uncertainty and will not leave me alone. My brain is raged and powerless without knowing why, and spiels that anger back on me to get a reaction, and when it gets what it wants, the cycle continues. And goes way longer than I had bargained for :(

Why am I not anxious? Like at all anymore? Is it because I'm really avoiding and trying not to think of the consequences that come from possibly being a pdfile? Is the only thing that is worrying me about it is the consequences then does it mean that I really am one? But I never masturbated to the thought of a child and actively seeked it. It came as intrusive thoughts while I was doing it yes I've had them when I see kids yes and I question and check a lot if I'm attracted to them and its just confusing me, I know I'll never do anything to hurt a child and I don't even like the idea of becoming a pdfile then why am I not anxious enough about it? The thoughts are just distressing obsessive I feel disgusting and Id say I still do compulsions but I don't know something just doesn't feel right. I don't feel anything and no real attraction to anyone or anything anymore. I just feel so disgusting and I just want to be normal but then again I pretty much did this to myself. It's weird to me I know there isn't a real indication I'm a pdfile and past experiences pretty much prove that and I've always been attracted to older guys so why is this happening now? Why am I getting these thoughts now especially right after I was trying to fix this sexual obsession/tension I had for older guys. Is my brain just leaving one thing to love and be obsessed about and going to the other? I'm really really just confused. Not anxious just distressed confused and uncomfortable. Like I want to throw up but I don't feel intense anxiety in my chest it feels like maybe I haven't processed what's going on properly. I'm genuinely so confused and I don't want to have this stay in my mind. Sometimes I just miss my ex so much because at the time I've felt something I felt so much things even though I had really bad rocd. I just miss loving people again and being alive again. I'm so scared and confused right now can anyone explain to me what is this? I genuinely just want to understand what I'm feeling or thinking because its not making sense to me

I am tired of talking with chat gbt for reasurance or to calm myself, im tired of searching reddit posts on r/rocd so i can read the comments to get an answer on how to get better, to post here 10 times a day so someone can say something that will calm me, all this things used to get me better a little, but now they dont and in still doing them, but in tired, i want this to stop, my thoughts are so persistent and it comes with bad negative feelings about my relationship, my boyfriend, i have so much fear in me its insane, i feel like i have changed and all the thoughts that once i knew they were fake they feel now that they are the reality that i dont accept. It breaks my heart to read stuff from people that say “when i am with him my thoughts goes away “ because mine doesn’t. I feel iritated, angry, disgusted for no reason at all, I see people saying that i care about my relationship and my boyfriend because i dont like these thoughts but, my therapist said to me “you can care about people and dont like them” or something like that, also when i told her “when these thoughts started i knew they were fake and i always said they are not real i dont want them” and she said something like “you can tell is snowing outside but its not true because its warm and sunny” My thoughts feel so real, i feel like im not like the others with rocd. Also this thing about choosing love and choosing your partner is bringing me into a spiarl because what if i dont want my partner? what if i only want to feel better and not to love him? What if all this time i though i felt live was just me pretending to feel love because i put high expectations on this relationship? what if i dont love him for who he is? what if i never loved him? i have a long list of what ifs. I cant go to therapy anymore due to more factors and also it was not beneficial for me at all. i just want peace. Im scared if getting better bc im scared that i will realise my thoughts are true. what if im i. denial? my thoughts scream at me affrirmations like “i dont love him” also being intimate is so hard. can somebody tell me some advice?