Is it normal to just dwell on the same stupid shit you did years ago over and over and over again? Mine has to do with porn, which is something I haven't watched in 7 whole months. Every single day I constantly ruminate over the videos I've seen when I was like 13-18. At such a young age I literally don't know anything about sex yet I'm curious but I can't help but see it as proof that I'm a horrible person. I'm against pornography and I hate what it does to people and societies. It's not good for anyone and it's nothing but a coping mechanism. I wish someone told me that when I was addicted to it. It's all bullshit. It's all fake and it keeps people manipulated. How do you just put the past where it belongs? Especially when you change your behaviors from who you were years ago? I used to be such a piece of shit to other people and to myself back in high school. My own friends knew that too. I'm happy that I've changed as I got older, but why does this shit still bother me? What is there to worry about? Every single day these same thoughts of "Oh you watched that weird porno. What if someone was being assault" or "what if they weren't of age" "what if you're a nasty sexual predator" and based on my emotions it feels completely real. At the same time I remember when I was much younger all I did was watch weird shit based on the childhood shows that i grew up with. I don't know why the fuck I spent so much time watching all of this nonsense, other than just being too addicted, which I'm not anymore. I just want this to go away. This has been going on ever since April 2020 and never before. Why is this now all of a sudden bothering me but it hasn't before? Why was I such a fucking idiot back in high school? Am I just being too hard on myself?

OCDHaver

Date posted: 3y

I think it’s okay to look back on your past and say “No more, I refuse to keep being that person” but I think you just need to accept it and focus on who you are today and what you can do now. I’ve done far worse things then what you’ve listed here, and I know that won’t make you feel better, but I don’t think that all this dictates who you are or are going to be, we’ve all done things that we regret or ashamed of, but it’s who you choose to be now. The fact you care and fear so much is because this is what you’re against, you have remorse and a conscience, you’re not that person anymore, you’re the person who’s learned. I hope you feel better soon

BigGyro09

Date posted: 3y

Honestly I want to just say to myself "It was high school, it was a shitty time for me and probably other people. It's a weird growing period that we get out of" and literally just end it there. That's it and I can just live life happily with the knowledge I have now NOT to do the things I did years ago. Long as I know not to suck more than my younger self than I'm all good. But the thoughts for no reason just come back over and over and over again. I'm not even trying to blame anyone else here or say that my actions were other people's fault. If I did that, I probably wouldn't even be in this much pain of ruminating. I know I did dumb shit and I was an absolute idiot back in high school. I know that I don't like who I used to be and I try hard to be much better. Cut out any bad habits that I have, open up new hobbies and be an overall better person. But for no reason it just comes back. How long is it going to take for this to just pass?

OCDHaver

Date posted: 3y

@BigGip09 I wish I could tell you, I’m in the same boat, it’s really painful. I have no motivation or desire to make a better life for myself but it makes it harder because then it puts more stress on my mom, so I try as best as I can. But just take it a day at a time, do one good thing each day, no matter how small

BigGyro09

Date posted: 3y

@OCDHaver Well in your case, your mother is depending on you and she's counting on you. Do it for not only you but the people around you. I think you just need a purpose. We both could use that. Not put all of our energy on negative or compulsive things and put it on things we actually do enjoy or at the very least want out of our lives. Like you said though, one day at a time. Pretty much everyone I've seen on here with real event OCD has it focused on things they did years ago. Guess we just have to practice self esteem radical forgiveness, and acceptance.

Anonymous

Date posted: 17w

Thinking u did something u not sure if u did

Hey guys I just wanted to talk about something I was feeling I feel so trapped and terrible I have a bad pornography addiction even back then idk what to do I'm 17 years old but basically I looked at some very obscure things on the Internet ranging from hentai or just even more messed up things when I was younger I think maybe early teens I remember randomly just started remembering things I saw now I do not remember if I acted on them or jerked off to them idk what to do I feel so ashamed trapped I feel like I can't enjoy life anymore for what I've done I been introduced to porn when I was young idk what to do I seem alot back then some memories pop certain ones I don't remember if I had pleasured myself to it it feels like I did I have so much shame if I did but idk what to do

Anonymous

Date posted: 16w

Real event false memory ruining enjoyment guilt

Hi everyone, I'm struggling with what I think are intrusive thoughts, possibly related to OCD, and I'm hoping someone here might relate. When I was younger, in my early teens, I went through a period where I had a strong interest in pornography. During that time, I encountered hentai involving male characters, related to an anime I enjoyed. One of the characters was someone I even looked up to. I feel incredibly uncomfortable admitting this, but I believe I engaged in sexual activity related to it. Years later, I'm plagued by intrusive thoughts about this. I feel intense self-disgust and shame. It's like this memory has "tainted" my ability to enjoy that anime, and sometimes other things. I'm constantly replaying the situation in my mind, questioning my past actions, and worrying about what it means about me. The anxiety is significantly impacting my life. Does anyone else experience intrusive thoughts focused on past events, particularly those that cause feelings of shame or disgust? How do you cope with the constant replaying and questioning? I'm looking for support and understanding. Thank you for listening.

genicrop09

Date posted: 13w

21+ only

TW: porn mentioned When I was younger around 18-19 or maybe younger, I stumbled across some porn labeled as 'teen'. I don't remember if I watched it or get scared away by 'teen', but I then searched for porn something like '18-teen years old', I wanted to make sure it was legal. Now I'm spiraling that I did it because I wanted to see someone younger. Or what my intentions could possibly be? It happened for once or I cannot remembered searching something similar ever again. I've always preferred bigger more masculine men, but why I did that then? I had active porn addiction since I was 9 or I'm afraid younger, watched some things that I regret watching... And now I'm 23 and don't watch it all for like 3 years, because I found out that it was unethical. When I was little I preferred BDSM porn and everyone was very mature and I did not watched anything questionable with real people, but some weird fictional stuff, but didn't like it. Now that I remember this I'm very confused and don't know how to continue living with that. I'm just done...

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