Is it normal to just dwell on the same stupid shit you did years ago over and over and over again? Mine has to do with porn, which is something I haven't watched in 7 whole months. Every single day I constantly ruminate over the videos I've seen when I was like 13-18. At such a young age I literally don't know anything about sex yet I'm curious but I can't help but see it as proof that I'm a horrible person. I'm against pornography and I hate what it does to people and societies. It's not good for anyone and it's nothing but a coping mechanism. I wish someone told me that when I was addicted to it. It's all bullshit. It's all fake and it keeps people manipulated. How do you just put the past where it belongs? Especially when you change your behaviors from who you were years ago? I used to be such a piece of shit to other people and to myself back in high school. My own friends knew that too. I'm happy that I've changed as I got older, but why does this shit still bother me? What is there to worry about? Every single day these same thoughts of "Oh you watched that weird porno. What if someone was being assault" or "what if they weren't of age" "what if you're a nasty sexual predator" and based on my emotions it feels completely real. At the same time I remember when I was much younger all I did was watch weird shit based on the childhood shows that i grew up with. I don't know why the fuck I spent so much time watching all of this nonsense, other than just being too addicted, which I'm not anymore. I just want this to go away. This has been going on ever since April 2020 and never before. Why is this now all of a sudden bothering me but it hasn't before? Why was I such a fucking idiot back in high school? Am I just being too hard on myself?

Honestly I want to just say to myself "It was high school, it was a shitty time for me and probably other people. It's a weird growing period that we get out of" and literally just end it there. That's it and I can just live life happily with the knowledge I have now NOT to do the things I did years ago. Long as I know not to suck more than my younger self than I'm all good. But the thoughts for no reason just come back over and over and over again. I'm not even trying to blame anyone else here or say that my actions were other people's fault. If I did that, I probably wouldn't even be in this much pain of ruminating. I know I did dumb shit and I was an absolute idiot back in high school. I know that I don't like who I used to be and I try hard to be much better. Cut out any bad habits that I have, open up new hobbies and be an overall better person. But for no reason it just comes back. How long is it going to take for this to just pass?

@BigGip09 I wish I could tell you, I’m in the same boat, it’s really painful. I have no motivation or desire to make a better life for myself but it makes it harder because then it puts more stress on my mom, so I try as best as I can. But just take it a day at a time, do one good thing each day, no matter how small

@OCDHaver Well in your case, your mother is depending on you and she's counting on you. Do it for not only you but the people around you. I think you just need a purpose. We both could use that. Not put all of our energy on negative or compulsive things and put it on things we actually do enjoy or at the very least want out of our lives. Like you said though, one day at a time. Pretty much everyone I've seen on here with real event OCD has it focused on things they did years ago. Guess we just have to practice self esteem radical forgiveness, and acceptance.