I’m exhausted and so done with analyzing every sexual encounter with my fiancé. My thoughts are there during and after. I then Google after which I know isn’t good. I now have the thought that he thinks I am a lesbian because intimacy is so hard for me. I have never been a very sexual person so of course my mind goes to “welll a lot of late to lesbians said this too”

I can relate

I’m sorry :/ I wish this wasn’t a thing and we could just be at peace.

@OCD33 I’m sorry for you as well, we deserve to feel satisfied with those we love

@PinkLotus I try to give myself hope that ocd attacks what we love and care about most

@OCD33 It sounds crazy, but I really hope that’s true because the alternative seems so ugly and cruel

@PinkLotus I just don’t get it- if my fiancé and I were to end things , I wouldn’t go pursue a girl, I’d be looking for a guy again and I’m sure this cycle would keep on going 😭 I’ve had this theme on and off for a while but it got debilitating when I met my fiancé because I was the happiest I had ever been.

@OCD33 I feel the exact same way, I’d rather have anxiety-riddled intimacy with another man than end up with a woman 😪this theme started for me last year and branched off of rocd. My rocd also began when I was the happiest I had ever been with my boyfriend. Ocd is truly a beast

@PinkLotus I’m so sorry :( I believe in us though. I started a new medication and am still in therapy. I don’t think I lean in hard enough though for therapy because I’m scared of this actually being true. I also have never been “turned on” just by looking at a man, which scares me :( I need connection, touch, humor, etc

@OCD33 Yeah I think sometimes I flat out ignore the possibility of it being ocd and would rather just try to “fix” the thought which is so obviously a compulsion. But I’m the same in the arousal aspect , I love seeing him naked but I need more than that to be aroused. It’s a slippery slppe

Same here. My mind tell my all the time that with women would be better

Hi OCD33, as you mentioned, OCD definitely does attack what we care about most because it knows it can cause us the most doubt and feed it the attention it craves. The fact that you said being with your fiancé is the happiest you’ve ever been, is most likely why your OCD bully has latched on so hard to this intrusive thought. Try to remember also, that you are not your intrusive thoughts, you know you love him, try not to let it make you doubt that. Does your fiancé know about your OCD and have you talked to him about intimacy being hard for you? There is nothing wrong with needing more than just good look to turn you on, a lot of people require an actual connection and actual deeper feelings for someone to be truly attractive and turn them on. It’s a difference between feeling lust and love sometimes. The medication you are on may also be causing some roadblocks or delays in intimacy, a lot of SSRIs can have that effect. As you mentioned you are tending to not lean hard into therapy about this because you don’t want it to be true. Have you brought this up at all with your therapist? Again, you are not your intrusive thoughts and your intrusive thoughts only gain weight if you let them. You know how you and your fiancé feel about each other, try not to let the OCD bully convince you otherwise. Also, if you haven’t done so please talk to your therapist and if you feel comfortable your fiancé about this as well. I am sorry that these thoughts are troubling you, but you can overcome this, especially with help from your therapist (possibly your fiancé as well) and ERP. Take care and best wishes.

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply to my post with so much thought and kindness. My fiancé does know all about it and he is very supportive. He went to therapy with me a couple of times to learn about ocd. My therapist is great but knows I do not sit with the uncertainty like I should. Sometimes I just don’t like talking to my fiancé about it because ocd is exhausting. When this theme got bad again 2 years ago I could not get out of bed, I was throwing up everyday. I am doing much better now but the thoughts are still there 24/7 for the most part. I think my biggest thing I struggle with is arousal and being “turned on” when I have seen women portrayed sexually. I also had my barbies and sims make out when I was a kid. All of this is “proof” to my ocd and I can’t seem to let go. My fiancé is the best thing to ever happen to me and we are in such a healthy relationship, it just breaks my heart. Thank you again for responding.

@OCD33 That’s great to hear that he is very supportive and understanding and has even gone to therapy to learn and understand more and I’m very glad that you have a very healthy relationship and no matter how much your ocd tries to make you doubt it, remember how much he loves you and how much you love him and how happy you make each other. Sitting with uncertainty is not an easy thing to do at all, I would never claim that it is not that I can 100% sit or live with uncertainty about all my thoughts and obsessions like I should eitherr, I don’t think anyone can. I wish I could make those thoughts magically leave your mind, but unfortunately the best I can do is encourage you to stick with ERP and your therapy and even though they may always be there, you may be able to turn the volume down on them low enough that they fade into the background and you dont’t even really notice whether they are there or not anymore. Not to delve into reassurance, but to me the “proof” your ocd is trying to latch onto seems perfectly normal and just means your were aware of intimacy and curious about it as a kid and I can’t count how many times that female friends and girlfriends have acknowledged being somewhat turned on or attracted to women portrayed sexually without it meaning they didn’t love their boyfriend or me, just recognizing and appreciating the beauty and sexuality and it sparking something in them. But back to sitting with the intrusive thought…so what if it takes more than just seeing him naked to get you aroused, doesn’t mean he loves you any less or you love him any less, it’s just something you are working to get thru and you will, especially with someone so supportive they have done to therapy with you, I believe in you.