- User type
- OCD Conqueror
- Date posted
- 3y
I can relate
I’m sorry :/ I wish this wasn’t a thing and we could just be at peace.
@OCD33 I’m sorry for you as well, we deserve to feel satisfied with those we love
@PinkLotus I try to give myself hope that ocd attacks what we love and care about most
@OCD33 It sounds crazy, but I really hope that’s true because the alternative seems so ugly and cruel
@PinkLotus I just don’t get it- if my fiancé and I were to end things , I wouldn’t go pursue a girl, I’d be looking for a guy again and I’m sure this cycle would keep on going 😭 I’ve had this theme on and off for a while but it got debilitating when I met my fiancé because I was the happiest I had ever been.
@OCD33 I feel the exact same way, I’d rather have anxiety-riddled intimacy with another man than end up with a woman 😪this theme started for me last year and branched off of rocd. My rocd also began when I was the happiest I had ever been with my boyfriend. Ocd is truly a beast
@PinkLotus I’m so sorry :( I believe in us though. I started a new medication and am still in therapy. I don’t think I lean in hard enough though for therapy because I’m scared of this actually being true. I also have never been “turned on” just by looking at a man, which scares me :( I need connection, touch, humor, etc
@OCD33 Yeah I think sometimes I flat out ignore the possibility of it being ocd and would rather just try to “fix” the thought which is so obviously a compulsion. But I’m the same in the arousal aspect , I love seeing him naked but I need more than that to be aroused. It’s a slippery slppe
Hi OCD33, as you mentioned, OCD definitely does attack what we care about most because it knows it can cause us the most doubt and feed it the attention it craves. The fact that you said being with your fiancé is the happiest you’ve ever been, is most likely why your OCD bully has latched on so hard to this intrusive thought. Try to remember also, that you are not your intrusive thoughts, you know you love him, try not to let it make you doubt that. Does your fiancé know about your OCD and have you talked to him about intimacy being hard for you? There is nothing wrong with needing more than just good look to turn you on, a lot of people require an actual connection and actual deeper feelings for someone to be truly attractive and turn them on. It’s a difference between feeling lust and love sometimes. The medication you are on may also be causing some roadblocks or delays in intimacy, a lot of SSRIs can have that effect. As you mentioned you are tending to not lean hard into therapy about this because you don’t want it to be true. Have you brought this up at all with your therapist? Again, you are not your intrusive thoughts and your intrusive thoughts only gain weight if you let them. You know how you and your fiancé feel about each other, try not to let the OCD bully convince you otherwise. Also, if you haven’t done so please talk to your therapist and if you feel comfortable your fiancé about this as well. I am sorry that these thoughts are troubling you, but you can overcome this, especially with help from your therapist (possibly your fiancé as well) and ERP. Take care and best wishes.
Thank you so much for taking the time to reply to my post with so much thought and kindness. My fiancé does know all about it and he is very supportive. He went to therapy with me a couple of times to learn about ocd. My therapist is great but knows I do not sit with the uncertainty like I should. Sometimes I just don’t like talking to my fiancé about it because ocd is exhausting. When this theme got bad again 2 years ago I could not get out of bed, I was throwing up everyday. I am doing much better now but the thoughts are still there 24/7 for the most part. I think my biggest thing I struggle with is arousal and being “turned on” when I have seen women portrayed sexually. I also had my barbies and sims make out when I was a kid. All of this is “proof” to my ocd and I can’t seem to let go. My fiancé is the best thing to ever happen to me and we are in such a healthy relationship, it just breaks my heart. Thank you again for responding.
@OCD33 That’s great to hear that he is very supportive and understanding and has even gone to therapy to learn and understand more and I’m very glad that you have a very healthy relationship and no matter how much your ocd tries to make you doubt it, remember how much he loves you and how much you love him and how happy you make each other. Sitting with uncertainty is not an easy thing to do at all, I would never claim that it is not that I can 100% sit or live with uncertainty about all my thoughts and obsessions like I should eitherr, I don’t think anyone can. I wish I could make those thoughts magically leave your mind, but unfortunately the best I can do is encourage you to stick with ERP and your therapy and even though they may always be there, you may be able to turn the volume down on them low enough that they fade into the background and you dont’t even really notice whether they are there or not anymore. Not to delve into reassurance, but to me the “proof” your ocd is trying to latch onto seems perfectly normal and just means your were aware of intimacy and curious about it as a kid and I can’t count how many times that female friends and girlfriends have acknowledged being somewhat turned on or attracted to women portrayed sexually without it meaning they didn’t love their boyfriend or me, just recognizing and appreciating the beauty and sexuality and it sparking something in them. But back to sitting with the intrusive thought…so what if it takes more than just seeing him naked to get you aroused, doesn’t mean he loves you any less or you love him any less, it’s just something you are working to get thru and you will, especially with someone so supportive they have done to therapy with you, I believe in you.
@BK You are seriously so kind. You don’t even know me and you are taking the time to write so much to me with so much support. You have no idea how much that means to me. Thank you. OCD will try to make everything seem like a big deal. I also Google like difference between attraction and arousal, of course being turned on by females, the Google rabbit hole. I don’t Google as much anymore. Someone on this app told me I might be a lesbian because I have never been “turned on” looking @ a naked male but I have with female erotic. (Me typing that now my mind is thinking you think I’m a lesbian) Anyone who thank you so much. How is your ocd journey?
Idk what else to title this. I was watching a film cooper video cuz why not and he mentioned smthn about wall paper customization and icons and stuff and I just kinda had a groinal response followed by the memory of me having my first crush on a woman (my friend at the time) that helped me figure out that I’m bi and I felt kinda intensely for her but that’s cuz a) it was new and b) we were kinda on again off again friends who haven’t spoken in a few years now and I’m over her entirely. It was toxic I think. She was too much like the person who bullied me in elementary school (they were friends as well so my mom made me cut her off which is. Fair. Made me really sad but eh that’s life) I saw her at prom cuz someone brought her. It was nice to see her but yeah that was it. And now I’m mentally comparing what I felt for women in the past (idk intense crush, listening to a lot of gay songs (think she by dodie) dressing semi masc cuz funky, we had nicknames for each other despite not dating or anything) to men (less intense crush but still big crush, I’ve only dated and kissed men so sparks rhere) and now I’m just slightly nauseous and worried that I don’t like men as much as I like women but I think that’s normal for any bi person? To have different levels of attraction to different genders? Idk I feel gross and icky now like I shouldn’t even be thinking about it or her cuz I have a bf. And I do look fondly upon it, now I’m nervous cuz I got more excited about her calling me a specific nickname than I do from my bf calling me honey even at the beginning? Honey felt more traditional and I love it but we do switch around nicknames and it’s always nice, not many butterflies anymore, and sometimes I get anxious when he does lately, if it’s a nickname in Portuguese. Or if he called me a shortened version of my name. What does that mean? I’m nervous now. I was doing half decently today now I’m nauseous again. I’m worried that cuz I liked the nicknames she and I had that means I don’t like the ones my bf and I have and that I just don’t like him or men cuz I’ve been feeling off around him. But I love when he calls me honey, it still feels good when he does it now but no butterflies. Idk what’s wrong with me. Is it even ocd at this point. Even if I do like women slightly more it doesn’t erase that I love my bf. I’m worried I’m leaning too much towards women tho and I’m a lesbian. Idk if my bi cycle is cycling or if I’m just a lesbian entirely cuz I don’t feel much when my bf takes off his shirt, sex feels different, and things feel stale and slow. But maybe that’s cuz I’m checking and comparing. Now I’m anxious fuck. I’m trying not to think about her idk why. I’m worried I still find her attractive or am attracted to her or smthn. She’s in my city. I didn’t care before but now I do. Or if I think about her I’ll think about other women and will only want to have sec with women which not really tbh. I wanna be able to enjoy sec with my bf. It just hasn’t felt right lately cuz I’ve been so depressed and obsessive. I wasn’t obsessing much last night when we had sex but it still didn’t feel passionate. It didn’t feel uncomfortable but I thought it’d be more? Idk. I know it’s normal to not feel him inside me cuz the vagina isn’t very nerved up compared to the clitoris but it felt like more the motions. But tbh. I needed it. Idk I wanted to have sex and it was a nice stress relief. I just didn’t feel butterflies which kinda bummed me out but we’ve been having sex since august so that’s normal. Idk. I haven’t been able to fantasize about sex. The fact that I’m bi makes all of this so confusing. Cuz yes hypothetically I can enjoy the thought of sex with a woman. But I don’t want to rn cuz I’m dating a man. And I can’t fantasize about sex with him cuz I’m getting intrusive thoughts about my friends and I having sex. I have this urge to watch porn cuz it’s been a while but I’m not going to. I’ve cut down a lot on masturbation. Partially cuz this partially cuz I wanna do things with my bf (when I’m mentally ok) but jow my brain is saying “Oo you think all these women are so hot you’re gonna go feral blah blah blah” and yes women are hot but I don’t wanna have sex with a woman. Idk saying women are hot doesn’t bring me anxiety but the thought of sex with one or leaving my bf and saying I’m a lesbian bother me. Cuz I know it’s not true. I love him I know that. I’d be happy if we stayed together. I wouldn’t regret a thing honestly. I like having sex with him. Idc if it’s not like porn or the movies. As long as I’m being pleasured and he’s being pleasured we’re good. That’s what sex is about. I think the loss of butterflies is normal cuz the excitement of like (sorry tmi) fingering and oral eventually wears off right? But still feels good. I don’t feel as excited about intimacy anymore cuz we have done it so often but it still feels nice. But my brain perceives that as me not liking sex with men and therefore I’m gay. No I just don’t feel the need to jump his bones every single time I see him?? Idk the friend thing is bothering me. Idk if I feel any joy behind it. The groinal response really really throws my perception off
Sorry long post. Anyone feel like now they’re just in extreme denial. Like when I was little I noticed guys more than girls in movies and was more drawn to them. I remember changing my mindset to switch that. 98%of my life has been straight until recently. I felt drawn to some guys but never thought of it sexually. Always had girl crushes dreams and porn. Now I watch porn and I feel like straight takes longer and then I go and watch gay porn and feel nothing until I tell myself it’s two attractive dudes and love is love and imagine physical sensations and then it hits like suddenly. Like I have to convince myself it’s alright. Then when I try again I can do all that but feel nothing and then straight porn works. Idk if it’s just getting a fix or the first time works with anything or what but it’s confusing. On top of that I’ve felt girl relationships including my wife maybe miss something and a guy maybe matches that feeling that but then I feel like I’d be missing something without a girl or my wife. Idk I’ve had some rough times in life with male figures in my life but idk. I feel like I have to convince myself more and more that I’m straight even more than the first time I dealt with this. Can someone relate? Please
I am a 21(female). I have only ever kissed one guy and it was horrible and I cried after. I stress about my sexuality constantly. I only want to be straight and know I want to end up with a man, but picturing it stressed me out and I am so scared to kiss a guy I think about it and get so stressed and cry immediately. I have severe intrusive thoughts about kissing everyone my teachers my best friends and it creeps me out and then I go down a rabbit hole of sexual orientation ocd! If anyone has any tips that might help that would be great. Again I don’t want or think I am gay but being so scared to be intimate with a man starts me down a spiral.
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