This confuses me so much…Other thoughts knowing irrational shove them away these thoughts why can’t i they don’t feel irrational when they are supposed to and if they don’t that would mean song right?!? Because I don’t pay attention to the other thoughts because i know they are irrational but i do to these cause thats what i want?!? Ughh and i compare and it feels these thoughts are natural and i am just giving it the name of hocd and complicating it?! Am i?! I write this am i also cause if a forced compulsion idk?!? I am tired but do i want this to end?! Do i just fake it?!? The feeling the arousal how am I supposed to know its not true when it feels so true is it?!? What do i tell myself?!?

I don’t know what to do anymore, this started nearly a year ago and caused so much stress and panic attacks over the thought of loosing my boyfriend. Now it just feels real and that he always liked girls and suppressed it (but like the boys i always liked in the past were real feelings they had to be and with my boyfriend i love him) but i haven’t got much anxiety now feels like i want the thoughts and that they don’t bother me even tho they used to, this seems to happen every time i get a lil better, idk just feels so true and that’s what i acc want with no stress, just a lil scared.

This shit has to be one of the most confusing subtypes of ocd because no matter what you will never find clarity. When it started it wasn’t as bad and confusing because it was mostly anxiety. But when it started getting physical that’s when it got extremely confusing because I feel tension and fear when thinking of gay stuff but while testing I get arousal sensations so the big question is “if I am afraid of it how can my body respond as if I’m into it and if I’m into it how does my body respond with fear as if I’m not” and it’s endless. I wish I never started testing my arousal so I never started getting groinals to gay stuff in the first place. But there’s no going back now.

What if these thoughts aren’t intrusive thoughts but signs of my true identity? What if I’m lying to myself? What if I’ll never feel attraction towards men again? What if I never actually felt attraction towards men? What if I was just forcing myself to have crushes on boys? Is this false attraction? Then why does it feel so real? I don’t know who I am anymore, I don’t know what I want, I don’t know what I could do to escape the thoughts, and I’m not sure if I really want to escape them.