I’ve been crying so much lately and I don’t know why. I didn’t have many symptoms these past few weeks and although I encountered some triggers over the weekend, and I am having thoughts that I don’t like, it feels like the crying and anxiety (it’s also not as crippling as it usually is when I have a flare up) is related to the fear of my ocd getting bad again. And every time I have an intrusive thought, I immediately check how I’m responding to the thought. I try to figure out whether or not it’s a lapse. Then I start thinking about how terrible I felt when I was going through an intense ocd episode and it just brings me to tears thinking about how much pain I was in. I did an ERP exercise with my therapist today and I didn’t feel as much anxiety as I expected to and I don’t know if it’s because my ocd has switched themes or what is going on in my head right now. I feel very confused. Sorry this is so long…

Yea I’m struggling with that too and that caused me to spiral to what I think is square one in my treatment. I also feel like a disconnect in who I am and who I am now with ocd and just fearing that those bad days will come again. Ugh why is it so complicated.

Hi hopefulsunny, I’m very sorry to hear that your OCD bully is taunting you by latching onto your memories of how you used to feel during intense OCD episodes in the past and filling you with anxiety and doubt about relapsing. I am glad to hear that the anxiety it is causing you is not as severe as it once was and that you are recognizing your intrusive thoughts for what they are quickly. Since you hadn’t had many symptoms the past few weeks prior to being triggered it could be that whatever triggered you just elicited such a strong response that it woke the ocd bully back up for lack of a better term and it’s trying to hit back hard with filling you with doubt about relapsing since you had been ignoring it so well recently, almost like a back door spike (which may also explain the doubt over why you felt less anxiety during your ERP). It could also be the “fun” ebbs and flows of OCD where once you get one theme or compulsion semi-under control, surprise!, here comes a new one or old one rising to the surface out of nowhere to take its place. I deal with that a lot, depending on outside stressors or how tired I am, etc… my OCD can be remarkably better or worse or switch themes like on the roll of a dice. Whatever the cause behind the relapse fears, try not to let checking your reaction become a new compulsion for dealing with it and try your best not to dwell on the memories of how much you would hurt during your past episodes. That will only cause you to relive the pain and reinforce your OCD bully. Also, remember that relapses whether they be major or very minor, can happen and when/if they do that doesn’t mean you have failed or never made progress and should not diminish all you have accomplished so far in your recovery. In other words, tell your OCD bully “so what” whenever you have an intrusive thought about relapsing. So what if you do, chances are it will be very minor and even if not, you conquered your OCD pretty well before, so you can definitely do it again. Keep you head up, be proud of all you have accomplished try not to worry about the uncertainty of if you may slip during your recovery or not, try to embrace the fact that an ERP session did not cause you as much anxiety as you expected and try to live your life as best as you can without giving the OCD bully the attention, doubt and anxiety it craves. Oh yeah….and no need to apologize about the length of your post…look at this, I pretty much rambled on in novel form here. Stays strong, best wishes and take care.

I feel this sometimes on erp I don’t feel anxiety because I usually feel anxiety when I’m too over my head and the moment that those intrusive thoughts come in.