I feel like I really can’t share my thoughts with my therapist, including real events (evil/twisted things I’ve done). It’s really not helpful to hear (“you can tell your therapist anything” or “it doesn’t do any good to keep things from them” or “they only want to help you”) because I honestly feel like I can’t in the moment and they’re too evil. Like when I’m in session I can’t even get a word out without screaming and/or shutting down. But I know these things have a major grip on me and I need to say something.Any tips?? I feel like I’m wasting my time and my therapists time and resources but I’m really, really trying

Hi Anonymous, I’m sorry to hear that you are suffering so much from these intrusive thoughts (and ruminations on past events) and that you want help but get so conflicted about wanting to tell your therapist certain things, but can’t bring yourself to do so, due to either the subject matter or maybe not trusting your therapist to understand. Don’t worry, I won’t repeat the standard responses your have listed above. Instead I will try to offer some possible solutions. Feel free to consider or completely disregard, I’m just a fellow OCD’r just trying to help, not a doctor or a therapist. Do you think you would be tell your therapist about these thoughts easier if maybe your just wrote them down in a word doc, or email, or by hand, or even in a pre-recorded video? That way you could talk about them at your own pace, when and if you felt comfortable to do so and you may help alleviate the anxiousness of telling them while looking at them or having them present? Just a thought. Also, have you told them that you have things you want to relay to them, but do not feel comfortable doing so? That way they know that you are trying to reach out and they maybe have some other suggestions. Also, this may sound silly…..but have you forgiven yourself for whatever it is you have thought about or done? Try to remember you are not your thoughts and that no amount of dwelling in the world can change the past. I know the latter all too well, believe me, there are many mistakes and mess ups, some severe, that I have done over the years and regret and will always regret and I hate thinking about them and wish I could go back in time and change it (if I could only find time to finish my time machine…irony, huh?…jk) or if I could only erase them permanently from my mind. Only…I can’t, the only way I can live with them was by eventually stop beating myself up over them and accept that they are in the past and that cannot be changed. Good or bad, my past is what led me to where I am and who I am now, so I need to stop dwelling and focus on now and getting better and let it go as best as I can. Same thing with intrusive thoughts, you have zero control as to when they come and what they are focused on and about, so let them go. Treat them like annoying commercials and change the channel when the come on or hit the “skip ads” button and try to move on. Not sure if any of this helps or not, but hang in there and stay strong and you are NOT wasting yours or your therapists time if you don’t feel comfortable to tell them these things yet, you will get there, it takes time and maybe something they suggest or I suggested above may help. Best wishes and take care.

Hi again, this is anonymous again :) thank you so so much for all of your responses. I really am just blown away by your support and taking the time to share thoughtful responses and suggestions, which I hope to try! I have my next appointment early next week, and I will report back!! Best of luck to all of you as well 🦋

Just tell them

I just have to move on and stop compulsions

Hey there! I’m so sorry you’re feeling stuck in this place. I have found that when I am able to fully be honest with my therapist, my distress level significantly decreases. But I can totally understand that it is very scary. Remember that OCD is not the only part of you. Try to think of it as just a part of you that you are gaining coping strategies for! Hang in there. You’ve got this.

Ooooooooof. I kind of did it. Didn’t get into details but I did say 90% of what needed to be said and I think the 10% will be easier now. It was awful, I feel awful, but I did it. I did compulse a bit while doing it but next time I’ll try without compulsions. One step at a time. Thank you all, and I hope you who can relate are able to too!

Even illegal things done a while ago are not reported. It’s confidentiality. It’s only if you plan to do it and tell them you are planning. I did something terrible 16 years ago. I struggle with real event. I told the therapist and they did not report me. Pretty sure it was illegal.

Thank you !