Seeing other feminine women deciding to be a man or a masculine women on tik tok is triggering me. I feel like I’m turning in one of them I fucking hate it

Do you wanna talk? Right now I feel so lonely with this . I was always a normal women I liked wearing dresses at least I guess I did. I always imagined having sex as a woman and with feminine genitials. Now I can’t think about this anymore because my mind tells me I’m faking it to be accepted by society. But I was Always perfectly fine in the past. Why is it a problem now? Did I figure out that wearing masculine clothes and behaving that way is cooler? Why do hate feminine things now??? It was never the case? Of course I‘ve always liked masculine things too but never to the extend that I questioned my gender until now.

@Janajana i dealt with this theme for a few months this year and it was my lowest point. it’s all i thought about and it absolutely consumed me. i cried about it every night. the only thing that worked for me was acceptance. i had to accept that i could potentially be trans and that there was nothing i could do about it. eventually the theme faded out and i haven’t really dealt with it since. the only advice i can offer you is to tell yourself “maybe i am trans and maybe i’m not and there’s nothing i can do about it” because that’s what helped me. i know how difficult and awful this is

What does the exposure for this trigger look like? I don’t have therapy till Monday and I wanna get started asap to get this shit over with

@run99 Currently watching a show called Tampa Baes and it has several masculine lesbians on it. Doesn't have to be the exact same thing though. You can also just look up "masculine lesbians" on Google and use the images as exposures too!

@ChristineKJ Omg I’m from tamoa aghh. But what do you do once you have looked??

@run99 So for me, this is a super challenging exposure. It tends to bring up thoughts of "am I attracted to her?", "Does this mean something about me?", and of course, "am I a lesbian?". So my therapist has taught me to allow these intrusive thoughts to come and go and sit with that anxiety. Saying "yeah, I could totally be attracted to her" and continuing to stick with my exposure. It takes lots and lots of practice but it eventually gets easier.

@ChristineKJ But then I feel like I’m just letting it change my orientation

@run99 That's the OCD talking and that's where it keeps you stuck. It scares you into avoiding certain things and exposures because it is making you believe there is a significant threat to you. In order to begin recovery, we have to challenge our amygdala and show it slowly that there is nothing to be afraid of.

@ChristineKJ I guess I’m just scared I’m going to come out of ERP gay. Does that make sense?

@run99 Absolutely, I've had that same fear and honestly still do from time to time. But letting go of that fear is what leads to recovery. It sounds totally counterintuitive but it's the way to freedom.

@ChristineKJ Do you feel more secure in your original identity ?

@run99 I don't want to provide reassurance but sometimes, yes. It's miles better than it was 2 years ago when my OCD started and I didn't know what it was at the time. But it took feeling less secure about it at first to get here

mine is consistently triggered my tiktoks. and i feel awful about because i’m so happy that these lovely trans people are sharing their stories and such, it just launches my tocd all over again