- Date posted
- 3y
- Date posted
- 3y
You have to stay strong bro just know these thoughts aren't you
- Date posted
- 3y
How long have you been going through this? I am 31 and have been dealing with this for 6 months. I'm having a rough day today
- Date posted
- 3y
I can perfectly see myself in your words. When I see a good looking man, with masculine features, I feel a sort of attraction followed by worries and anxiety. Does it happen to you as well ?
Related posts
- Date posted
- 24w
(Sorry for the long post!) So one of the OCD things that most affects me at times, and that I have not really found other people dealing with (in literature or in my work as a therapist working with people with OCD), is one that often relates to potential dating and people I am interested in. Typically, as a gay male, I meet people on chat apps or dating sites, so the first interactions are virtual. What I find often happens is that I sort of build an image of the person, and then if anything goes against that, I start to get anxious and the OCD kicks in. An example may work best. I started talking to a guy that I find incredibly attractive, and who seems to find me attractive as well, and when we became friends on instagram, I saw that he has done some amateur modeling for a friend who does pictures in various states of undress. There are a few in underwear, and a few with no clothes (no genitals are shown), and this started off the thoughts of "oh no, he must just want sex" or "I bet he is super promiscuous if he has pictures like these." This leads to me investigating the other photos on the site, and the guy who does the images to try and figure it out, what kind of work it is, etc. I even found a way to work it into a conversation with the guy, like "wow I don't think I could do that. You're braver than me," and he said he did it because the photographer is a husband of a coworker and expressed interest in doing the pictures, and he loves his body so didn't mind doing it, and they are really good friends now. OCD then gets triggered "he loves his body? That must mean he really IS promiscuous. What if he and the men also have threesomes?" This leads to intrusive thoughts of me having to picture this happening,or him having sex with other people, over and over until it "feels right." I'll recheck his dating profiles in which has said that he is "not into fast sex," and then think about and picture scenarios about how that could just mean he wants to talk to someone once before having sex. The OCD also affects conversations--if he doesn't get back to me quickly on WhatsApp, I scour the texts to see if I messed something up (ocd responsibility--it's always my fault). I texted him yesterday, and he hasn't looked at the messages (he has read receipts on WhatsApp), but I check and see that he has liked a post by someone on instagram or has posted a story, so I think "clearly he sees that I've messaged and is purposely ignoring it, because he hates me and wants nothing to do with me. That's it, I'm never going to hear from him again." We were supposed to hang out last week, but he asked to reschedule because he wasn't feeling well, so my OCD then said "he was at an event the night before, he probably met someone and is still at their house." He did text the next day to ask what my schedule was, and then said "perfect. I work in Lisbon until next Thursday" (I'm currently living in Porto, in Portugal, where he also lives), so he seems to be interested in hanging out, but then I think "he probably saw something that I did online or someone we both know in common somehow told him something and now he's done with me. Or maybe he met someone he's more interested in, and will just ignore me now." This type of experience has happened with several guys I've been interested in, and it has actually led to me pushing too hard and making them uncomfortable as I seek certainty, so I'm trying to be aware of that and not engage in that kind of behavior. I also realize that there are like a billion different OCD things in this post, and I'm writing another post as well related to how moral scrupulosity has been controlling my beliefs about sex, etc., something my new therapist identified after one session. Anyway, I just wanted to see if anyone has experienced anything along these lines, because when it happens it takes over and it is painful and I just want to rip it out of my head. Additionally, I never quite know how to manage exposure to this type of thing--there is the logical one of not checking social media, and not texting or re-reading texts, but it's also hard because I will actually force myself at times to think about him having sex with people, and then that makes me feel overwhelmed with anxiety, but I also can't suppress the thoughts, as that doesn't work, and am thus trying to do more of an ACT/acceptance approach. Unfortunately my therapist is out of town this week, so we can't work on anything surrounding this until next week. Thanks for taking the time to read this, and I apologize that it is so long, but it is just really sucks right now.
- Date posted
- 20w
I tried checking if I like gay stuff and it’s genuinely disgusting to me. I can tell whether or not a man is attractive and when they are it does scare me and makes me question myself yet, it’s always the same response, I don’t get how you can do that with another man. Doing anything sexual just feels so gross and wrong. I don’t think that I am magically turning gay. I don’t think my orientation is changing or hasn’t been explored. I simply find that stuff gross. I have never had anything wrong with gay people and I am a true believer that people have choices they can make with free will so it’s not that I’m homophobic, just keep that stuff away from me lol. Saying so, I don’t get why I am getting these thoughts. These images in my head, constant need of checking if I fall in the spectrum, constant checking whether I like someone of any gender, constant checking whether or not I am getting groinal responses. No matter what answer I get, my mind still wants an answer, an answer to the next question that it’ll create after answering the one before it. I have always liked girls and always been so proud of it, I am in a relationship right now with a beautiful girl I’ve had a crush on since 2nd grade. (I am 19) Whatever mental illness I have has ruined our relationship. Everything feels forced on my side, I don’t remember the joy I had before this but I have glimpse throughout the days of the things we’ve done together that makes me happy and look forward to life. I am constantly checking to see if my attraction is still there for her and the scary part is, when I am stuck in my head, I am not but, to alter that, when I get that freedom and feel like my normal self, I get a hyper amount of love for her and it feels so nice. These thoughts all began after me and my girlfriend had an argument, 5 months ago we got in an argument over her not giving me enough space. She always wanted to be a part of a plan with my male friends. I never minded her when it was just us two so it’s not that I hated being with her, it was just that I had no time to be independent. ( I also had no job and nothing going for myself. ) One odd day after spending so much time stuck in the house due to weather, I had random thought on whether or not I truly loved her. We were only 4 months into the relationship so I didn’t have an answer and since it felt like I needed an answer, it became obsessive, I couldn’t stop checking. After hours with that thought, I started to wonder whether or not I was interested in other things like K I D S. This thought was an automatic no and I began to fight it. I wasn’t going to accept that, each day felt like a living hell. The questions would change each day, do I miss my ex, was my ex better, do I like my M O M, do I want to K I L L so and so, do I want to kill myself. One day I woke up and had it all in control, felt like magic, after I watched a video on ROCD and realized, oh, I am not the only one but, this is where my compulsions got even worse. I couldn’t stop checking the internet, seeing if I relate to others, watching more videos. I regret this everyday because this compulsion created so many new thoughts and questions for me to answer. About 2-3 weeks went by and a thought passed by that has been stuck with me since along with other thoughts. I thought back to what I did as kid and in the past. I remembered a traumatic event where my brother touched me (5yr old M) inappropriately. This made me question whether or not I liked it and I couldn’t find an answer, couple years (10yr old M) after that I unfortunately did the same to my cousin (8yr old M). I feel so much shame and guilt for it. My mind turned black and white, “Maybe this isn’t a do you like your girl or not but instead, maybe you just like boys I mean, you obviously never asked yourself if you like what you did so”. This question was terrifying for me because it meant that I could no longer love my girl, my whole life till now has been a lie. So I began to question everything in my past up to date to find an answer. No matter what answer I fed my mind, it would not be satisfied and simply create more questions. It felt like my mind was forcing me to be gay, whether or not I liked it. 4 months has passed and the questions have just gotten worse, something I was initially so afraid of. I am in constant fight or flight mode, I am always anxious and I can’t feel nothing. I get times of relief when I am reminded of my past, when my gf turns me on, or when I find an answer to question my mind conjured up. I started to go to church but it’s always been a struggle for me to believe. I can’t go to the gym anymore because everywhere I look I am questioning myself. My porn addiction has went away but mostly because I can’t find anything attractive anymore. I can only find comfort and discomfort. Something that was once so easy for me would 1 day be nonexistent and hard to live without. I don’t know what the truth is anymore. My life feels like a made-up lie. Though I have always loved women, fantasized about them, get extremely nervous around them, pray for them, romanticize them, etc. I now have no idea what it feels like to be in love, interested, or even happy for a woman. My attraction hasn’t vanished completely, I still can look a girl and be stunned, l simply just can’t destroy the feeling it gives me. I get so anxious and begin to question everything about the women, the feeling, myself. I am having a crisis.
- Date posted
- 19w
TW: SO-OCD. I have been a part of the NOCD community for around 4 years now. I am seeing more and more posts, but I am very rarely seeing people actually commenting, reposting and engaging back. I think I have always had obsessive thoughts, but never knew it was a thing until around 5 years ago. I believe my first theme was Harm OCD, when my little brother was first born in 2007. I used to scream at night as I was so worried he was going to be kidnapped, or he may d*e. I would avoid sleeping at friends house's, my dad's (as my parents had split) as I thought if I wasn't there to protect him then something bad would happen. My mum said she would wake up and I would be asleep net to his cot in the morning (I was only 10 at the time). Fast forward to 2017, where me and my high school boyfriend split up, I convinced myself I may be gay as I no longer wanted to have sex with him (almost found it a chore). I was 16/17. We split up and I lived my 'single' life. Spent my time dating males etc and then myself and my ex got back together in 2018. My intrusive thoughts took a turn for the worst in lockdown, when again may libido decreased significantly, and I didn't feel and ;urge' with my boyfriend sStill current partner). I remember one day, bursting into tears, had a panic attack and cried for hours with the most excruciating anxiety chest pains. I told him and my mum about my thoughts. They are both incredibly supportive and my mu actually told me that she had these thoughts too when she was round 19 and still does now (I also didn't know that COD can be inherited). After about 18 months of the worst mental health, significant weight loss, social thoughts and almost ending my relationship, I started to see light at the end of the tunnel. 2022, things started to get better. My partner and I were in the best place we could have EVER been! Sex life was AMAZING (quality of quantity I mean) and I honestly thought, this was the end. March 2024 I fell pregnant. Again, I had a great pregnancy, sec life was great, was so excited for our future. I have never been one to be bothered about marriage, but kept having this lovely vision of us getting married and our little girl walking down the aisle. Baby girls born in November 2024 and BAM, SO-OCD and ROCD have kicked in. I am now questioning my sexuality again, if I am in the right relationship, am I just 'settling'?, does he deserve me?, am I in denial?, what if we get married and then it turns out I am gay?, I don't want him to propose as I am scared etc. Just relentless every single day. I even question, if any of the conversations I have had with family and friends where they have related to me, were even real or if I made them up for my own comfort, so that I do't feel alone?! I am constantly reviewing past events, as I worry that I wanted to explore my sexuality in university, as I remember having an amazing friendship with a lesbian (who was, I am not afraid to admit, very 'handsome'), and we did flirt, as she did with everyone!! But we never took it any further, it never crossed my mind! I almost don't even get the 'anxiety/'sick' feeling anymore because I am SO used to the thoughts. I don't have an urge to act on my thoughts, but they are also no longer debilitating for me. I just feel exhausted with them. They are ALWAYS there. I have gone down the rabbit hole of avoiding meeting new women friends incase 'I find them attractive', if there is a same sex couple on a program I watch, I automatically avoid. I compare my relationship to others. I saw an insta reel yesterday of a women in her 30's that said 'when you're lay in bed with your husband, searching 'Am I Gay' questionnaires and you decide to divorce and follow your heart' and it was a page dedicated to her helping other mid life adults cope with coming out as gay! It really really really triggered me. I am just exhausted. If anybody else wants to share there story, comment below. It doesn't have to be the same sub types, but just an opportunity to vent!
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