🆘🆘🆘 Please someone answer So I took a Flexeril last night. And it did help me sleep. But I came with really bad dreams well more like thoughts not images. Or I don’t know I guess I don’t I tend to not remember my dreams that much it’s really rare when I do. I went to bed at maybe two in the morning and woke up at six something and I woke up to thoughts like women are when they’re not Sexy are delicious to me and I remember it feeling wrong describing them as such. I remember trying to calm down because I was getting these weird painful feelings in my stomach because it didn’t feel right to describe women like that because they’re not hot sexy or delicious to me. And I don’t even like the fact that when I was writing this writing that last sentence that I smiled. Like I mean otherwise and I don’t. And so I use the restroom and I try to go back to sleep and I do for a little while maybe an hour. And then I woke up sort of imagine getting in an argument and saying that my body is when my body‘s not bisexual. And that was really terrifying I wake up with my hands particularly my palms really clammy I woke up with my heart pounding because when I I was I remembered arguing and I was gonna say something else and then BISEXUAL slipped out and I’m scared the pressure went away when I said it but I’m not bisexual! So if I’m not why did the pressure go away saying otherwise? And then I I’m scared I was trying to find out how to do something in a particular video game. Pokémon brilliant diamond I just noticed a lot of people online had these cool outfits and I was like I wonder how to do that’s why he’s trying to look up online how to. I found out and the outfits actually were cool and I said of course the woman’s outfits were they weren’t really better it’s just the guys don’t have much to go on when it comes to that kind of style and stuff like that. They’re kind of stuck. And then I imagined it I’m frightened I smiled and stepped back so to speak in my mind in my chest like internally and almost feel better why would I feel better imagining if I’m straight if this is OCD I don’t wanna suck boobs I’m not BISEXUAL! So for that to happen right after waking up saying my body is feeling better scares me I my heart is not bisexual and neither is my body so how can I wake up saying that and having the pressure went away and then having that thing you know smiling imagining and having the pressure going to stepping back but I don’t wanna suck boobs! I am scared I I have the way I smiled and then I looked at my guy like a picture of him and I’m fine I know I’m not over the guy he’s fucking lovely I don’t ever wanna be over him but I made a face I’m scared of how I smiled how I feel better imagining and then stepping back like why would that happen I don’t wanna suck boobs I don’t want to my body I don’t want to suck boobs I’m so confused I’m scared this proves what I dreamed but I’m not bisexual so why would I smile my body wants men not women like the first dream was like no this it didn’t feel right to describe them as such and I was imagining I called them but they’re not delicious I was imagining boobs of all kinds I don’t and hanging and shit and I don’t like either! And imagining I keep saying with her bodies are not hot or sexy I don’t want to change I don’t wanna add I don’t want to discover anything I keep thinking that I already but I never knew it because it’s not true it’s not real! So why do The pressure go away saying bye when I’m not bisexual then imagining why would the pressure go away saying that and smiling I don’t wanna suck boobs why would the pressure go away imagining doing so and now I can’t stop I can’t breathe! Like I can’t like I make faces like I don’t want I’m not bisexual I absolutely love not huge ones but I love pectorals I like guys know I almost said I am but I don’t like girls like guys and balls I don’t like girls at all I said I like I meant to say pectorals and then almost had like but I’m not bisexual I don’t like it the word either what is happening to me 🥺🥺

So my OCD has been bad lately. I’ve been ruminating and obsessing over my sexuality again. And it just keeps getting worse. I hate it so much. I try to sit with the discomfort but then my ocd does the backdoor spike. And the groinal response is what keeps me looped. It SUCKS. I am not attracted to men, but my OCD is trying SO hard to convince me that I am. There have been days where I’m just so mentally exhausted that I “accept” what my ocd tells me and I just walk around a hollow, lethargic shell. But then I rethink it and I feel better. It feels like I can only find my TRUE self when I tire my nervous system out enough that it literally breaks down and has me suicidal and hopeless. And then accepting my OCD’s “truth” (that I’m attracted to men) feels like a burden and a chore. I woke up today from an OCD dream, tried to go back to sleep, and my stomach kept cramping bc I was so anxious and ruminating over my intrusive thoughts. I’m starting to doubt it being OCD anymore. My brain is too tired to fight and cry about it anymore.

I am very depressed right now. I really feel like maybe I’ve always been a lesbian and never knew. I never questioned my sexuality when I was young, never wanted to explore, I just was straight and didn’t think anything about it, that’s just what it was. I had my first soocd spiral in late high school but didn’t have a name for it, just that I was having intrusive thoughts and it was killing me that maybe I was gay. I can’t exactly remember how I got out of that but I continued to have crushes, talking stages, and dated. It went away and that was that I guess. Looking back now I definitely was still avoiding content and certain people, and still had intrusive thoughts but didn’t think I was gay. I guess they were less sticky. Something about me is that I’ve never had a boyfriend and I’m a virgin. I’m very shy and romanticize things like I love the relationships and scenarios I read about or that I see in movies or the thirst traps online haha. So I want that irl but am disappointed when that doesn’t happen. I have a very interactive daydream (started when I was 13 and still continued that fantasy world now too) with a boyfriend, friends, and a prettier version of me. I enjoyed making up scenarios about sex or romance in those daydreams and fantasies, but when it came to real life, I would get shy or scared when things were starting to get serious with men. I thought maybe this was an avoidant attachment style but now I’m not sure. I never considered female fantasies and I still don’t want to right now. I want to test and see which one I like better, but I’m afraid I’ll find that I’m a lesbian and I really don’t want that. Ive always imagined myself with a man but now I’m worried about comphet. I’m really depressed and I can’t tell because yes, I find some women attractive whether it’s their makeup, face, body, aesthetic, but I never thought that meant I was attracted to them in a sexual or romantic way until this spiral. Now I’m afraid of masc lesbians and pretty women because it triggers me. But I’m also afraid because I feel like I can look at attractive men, but I don’t feel the same way anymore. I can’t even daydream about them bc then my brain inserts a woman. I’m really scared that I’ve lost myself, because I truly feel like I have, but I don’t want to explore with women, I just want to like men, I’ve always liked that idea. But so many lesbians talk about liking celebrities, fantasy men, or just attractive men. Sorry for the rant but I’m struggling a lot right now. I feel like all my memories, even the ones that directly contradict being a lesbian, can be explained away by comphet, internal homophobia, denial, suppression, etc. When I do try and accept uncertainty, sometimes it feels ok, but then something will trigger me and I’m back at square one. I’m afraid if I take my meds I’ll discover something about myself that I don’t want to because I’ve always been depressed and avoidant of life because it never lives up to my expectations. My sexuality is on my mind 24/7! I can’t take it!

Last night I took my meds to help me sleep and I kept waking up throughout the night with thoughts like “I’m really a lesbian now” or “I’m ok with it now, this is what I prefer”. I really feel like everyday for a couple of days now, I’ve woken up feeling more and more like my preferences have completely changed. The first few days was major anxiety, panic attacks, then I had a really bad double-bind and reversal spiral, and I became a little bit calmer since then. Now I feel like I’m managing the thoughts without anxiety or panic like I’m used to, but now it feels like I really want them and that I’m ok with it. Like I don’t care anymore. But the thing is, in between all of the mini spiral episodes I’ve had, I had these little moments of clarity like “I’m not giving up on my fantasies of men” or “I’ve always wanted men, that doesn’t just change”. But last night I’ve had really sexual dreams that I’m having trouble interpreting. I had one where I think it was me sleeping with a guy, but I woke up frantically because I think the roles got reversed, but I’m not sure. Another one I was a random woman with a husband, but I think the roles got reversed again so I woke up immediately. Both times it felt like arousal. Obviously I still care somewhat if I’m still here asking, but my brain or maybe me (I’m really not sure anymore) is telling me that I’m a lesbian now and I prefer it. It’s like I don’t care and want it now. It’s like I’m not even feeling confusion about it. I don’t know if it’s because of the meds, I’ve been distracted (family in town), because I’m in maybe quieter stages after two bad spiral episodes, or because I’ve really changed. It’s literally like I think being a lesbian will be enjoyable now but I don’t want that, even if my brain (and body apparently) keeps telling me that. I was told that ocd doesn’t change who you are, but now I’m worried that what I thought was background noise leading up to another spiral was suppressed self discovery (I’ve had two major soocd episodes in my life: late high school and now a few years later).