Fairly long post just need to talk with anyone- Everyday and night I have these moments for a few seconds that just maybe I am not gay bc I did find women attractive in the past and still do a little( Although I think that attraction to women wasnt real and i was just conditioned by hetero culture) and that maybe this is just a product of my intense rumination and anxiety attacks nonstop for months i get this small dose of hopefulness to seek therapy but due how much proof I have and having already believed them that I am gay in denial and like I know it deep down too That tiny hope is again immediately shut down and I give up on therapy and it spikes my depression and anxiety which sends me into ßuicidal ideation. Im deeply confused, now I think and feel Im not even a man and keep feeling like I want to change and that ive always also been a woman and never noticed it again theres proof for this. My whole identity is unstable, my internal monologue is never ending, its active 24/7 driving me mad, im not exxagerating. My brain has most likely shrunk due to how overloaded it is with the dialogues. I have a strong feeling that I am gay and once I accept it itll be over and even after I recover from these obsessive thoughts Ill still be gay and fall for guys, part of me is also afraid of the society which makes me think its a sexual crisis. When I try to accept ok maybe being gay wont be the end of the world I immediately get thoughts that If im gay Im also trans and all the dots are connected instantaneously in my head like what the fuck. Oh and I have a near constant arousal and sensations while having these thoughts. I think Im just afraid of so much sudden change in my life which is why I dont want to accept it. I think thats it. What do I do man, I just constantly feel like killing myself ( I wont do it). English isnt my mother tongue forgive me if its poorly worded. Please help