TW: POCD, masturbation, talk about kinks Hello! I’ve decided to re-download this app today after nearly two years. I wanted to come here and dump some of mu thoughts because I know how helpful it is to share them with a community of people who feel the same. I had my first problematic intrusive thought 3 years ago (I say problematic because it was paralyzing and shook my whole world, i probably already had ocd before that but I didn’t know that was what it was called). A lot of things have changed for me since those days, thankfully I got used to the thoughts enough to not be affected by them as I once was. However, the part that we’re all familiar with comes into part after that: “What if it wasn’t ocd?” “What if I’m faking all of it?” “What if I somehow managed to fool everyone into thinking I’m a good person when in reality i’m capable of all these things my brain comes up with?”. I started going to therapy a year in a half ago, I think it was mostly due to the pandemic and things that weren’t exactly related to my ocd. I also think that if I tried going to therapy specifically because of my ocd I would’ve never gone in the first place, because of how scary it is to face it. This is one of the reasons I wanted to talk about this here today. I really don’t know how to bring up ocd with my therapist. I absolutely love my therapist, I believe I got really lucky when I found her and I think we built a good therapeutic bond that helps me trust her, but it’s still so hard to bring my intrusive thoughts up. I mentioned it once in passing and told her that I wasn’t ready to talk about it yet, but I feel like I won’t ever heal if I don’t. It feels like for years i’ve been swiping dirt under the rug and now it’s finally getting to me. This is the part that includes the TW. My intrusive thoughts originally related to POCD, I’ve gotten much better at them and I can be around kids and play with them like any other person would, but some times I wonder why the anxiety stopped, why did my brain chose THAT to obsess over. I can’t help to psychoanalyse myself and look for a root cause for those thoughts to understand. The scariest part is that sometimes if I’m horny I usually go to erotic literature for release, and the “kinks” (if you can call it that) that get me off are the ones where there’s a power imbalance or one of the parties is submissive to the other (always consenting adults, the mere thought of something else makes me want to throw up). I can’t help but think that there’s something wrong with me when I think of this, I really feel like a sick person and I end up crying immediately after because I enjoyed it and I shouldn’t have. Now, I don’t think the type of erotica or porn that one chooses to consume defines us as human beings, but it definitely is something that I think about because it must have something to with our subconsciousness. This is where my OCD comes up in these thoughts, because sometimes when I realize that I don’t feel the anxiety anymore and I don’t stop to think about the thoughts, I immediately think it’s because I got used to them and I no longer think there’s something wrong with those actions and I wouldn’t care if I became that person (i say actions as opposed to thoughts, because I genuinely believe there’s nothing wrong with the thoughts themselves). This is the hard part about healing from the anxiety of the thoughts, you’re always checking to see if you still think they’re wrong or if you’re a horrible person now. I want to bring all of this up with my therapist but I’m so scared to face the possible realities. I’m scared that she won’t know what pure O is, I’m scared that she won’t understand what I’m talking about and would want to stop seeing me, I’m scared that If I bring up my thoughts it’ll change her view of me and all the thing I’ve told her. I’m so scared about bringing up the masturbation part because it truly freaks me out to think about things that I find arousing and what they might say about me. I’ m so so scared of her saying that I don’t have OCD and that my thoughts are very much real. I know most of these fears are irrational, but I can’t help but being scared to open up about them because a lot of things would change and I’ll be facing this monster I’ve been trying to hide from for years. I know I live with my pure o everyday when all I do is think and overthink every thought, word and decision that I have, say or make. But I’m so scared of the possibility of having made all of it up. Part of my brain right now is thinking “you managed to fool all these people in this forum, all of them feel for you now, all of them will think you’re a good person having bad thoughts but you know you’re not” . If you made it to the bottom of this post: thank you, this was very therapeutic for me whether or not someone reads it but I truly appreciate the time you took to read this. Thank you for the space, I would appreciate if anyone has any tips on how to bring up intrusive thoughts in therapy. Have a nice day!!! ❤️

So I know I've talked about my fear of being hacked/watched without my knowledge and at the same time that same fear has also made me scared that i've said incriminating things or confessed to a crime I didn't commit out loud without realizing and that this person (who probably doesn't even exist) is going to use it against me in the future and ruin my life. To the point where I've covered all my device cameras. Yeah, I know. Incredibly outlandish. Anyways. The past few months it's just been my brain convincing me that my life is over or that it's going to end and not just end, but like I'm going to lose everyone that I love because of said "incriminating things" though I know I haven't done anything wrong. Of course, there's a part of me that realises that this is really unlikely because I'm not that important of a person for someone to lie in wait for decades and decide to ruin my life just because though I don't doubt that there are people like that out there (i really hope they're few and far between). However, there's another part of me that also really believes that this is all true. And sometimes I wonder if I'm going insane. Coupled with what I believe are false memories, the anxiety has been taxing every day. And I find it hard to sit with uncertainty because this worst case scenario terrifies me. I'm scared of being unloved and abandoned and also deathly afraid of being perceived as a bad person. And of course, also scared of being a bad person and my brain is convinced that I must be. Anyways. Who knows. Maybe. Maybe not. I wanted to share because I know that OCD or I guess any kind of mental illness (whatever it is I'm suffering from if it isn't OCD) likes to convince us that our fears are too niche and that this worry wouldn't be present if it wasn't real. OCD likes to use that as proof. I've learnt though that there are many people like me on this app, and even though it's still scary, it makes me feel less alone. It can be very tiring and honestly sometimes I ask myself how I'm still here even though it's been a few months and some people on here have experienced episodes like this for years or even decades. I keep hoping I'll wake up one day and it will be like this never happened. If you've taken the time to read this incredibly long waffle session of mine that's more like a drawn-pit diary entry, thank you. And if you feel comfortable with sharing, please do :)

This is my first post on this app, though I made this account back in late September of 2021. I grew up in a toxic environment, and was mentally abused by my parents, included being taken advantage of because of my autism. I’ve been suffering from OCD as long as I can remember. Ever since I was a child, I’ve sometimes had thoughts that scared me, and I’d often try to find ways to calm myself down. I’ve had thoughts over the smallest and silliest of things, but as time went on, these thoughts suddenly became more violent, like wanting to step in front of moving car while waiting for the bus, or grabbing a knife on the dinner table and using it to stab a family member. Even thoughts of death and what happens afterwards scared me. Aside from being afraid of a kids horror show for a while, OCD did bother me at points in my life, but they never severely crippled me… until my teenage years. Throughout my teen hood, I would very occasionally suddenly imagine fictional child characters being SA’d. I would also sometimes imagine children getting injured while noticing them sometimes. I didn’t know why those thoughts popped up into my head and they would weird me out, but I would be able to usually push them aside and not think about them too much… but it got worse after I was dropped out of high school without my consent by my parents. In March of 2017, I was at a gas station when I saw a child and imagined doing a disgusting action with them. It freaked me out immensely and sent me into a panic attack. I was able to calm down from it shortly after, but I think it planted a seed into my brain, and it would launch a horrific attack on me the very next month. Me and my family were driving around a town for a special occasion when I had the worst OCD attack I’ve ever had. Every child I saw, I imagined doing something disgusting to them. I was having a full blown panic attack and it honestly felt like my mind itself was being sexually assaulted by this horrifying thoughts. This incident scarred me mentally, and to this day, I’m still afraid of being around anyone younger than me. I tried researching what these thoughts could mean, and I found out about these being symptoms of OCD. After talking with a psychiatrist a month later, I was diagnosed with OCD. For a while, I thought I’d be okay from that point. I thought I could conquer this on my own… but by early 2018, I was still struggling. I eventually came out to my older sibling and parents about what I was dealing with. They thankfully didn’t ridicule me, and did help me with getting a therapist. The first visit with my therapist went alright, but I was an emotional mess after finishing the session. The next time I went in however, I was seen by someone else because my therapist was out. The man I saw honestly felt condescending, and he basically made go to a group therapy session. The group therapy didn’t help in the slightest, and with more toxicity developing in my family afterwards, I stopped going after the group therapy. I did see my therapist at least once I think, but that was it. Ever since 2018, I was silent about my OCD. I was just hoping that someday I’d be free of my shackles both from my mental illness and my toxic environment. Two years later though, a friend (now partner) of mine heard about my family’s living situation and wanted to help get me out of there. I first visited them in 2021, and thankfully I stay with them for the most part. That being said, I was still worried about opening up to them about my OCD. I did talk with them about general OCD from time to time, but never got into P OCD… until last year finally. I opened up them fully about it, and both they and their mother told me that they weren’t upset, and that they understood where I was coming from. I think that genuinely helped me out, and I don’t feel as anxious as I did before. Just yesterday, I finally talked about my OCD to my older sibling (they’re super supportive and understand our parents toxicity). I was genuinely nervous about telling them for a while out of fear of them either abandoning me or ratting me out… but they understood. They were accepting and didn’t ridicule me at all. It was like a weight was lifted off my shoulders… and honestly, I think I might have the courage to speak up on this app finally and hopefully find a therapist who can help me. I’ve been suffering with P OCD for over 8 years now ever since I was 18. I just recently turned 27 a few days ago. I’ve been suffering in silence for so long due to trauma, fear, and PTSD. But now, I think I want to take a step forward and get onto the road to recovery. It most likely won’t be easy and it won’t happen overnight, but I feel relieved knowing I have people who love and support me, now that I’m in a better environment.

I've never shared anything on here before but I read a lot and I will say I am thankful for this community. I have had OCD my whole life. When I was a child I remember having thoughts in my head that made me uncomfortable, although I couldn't remember what they all were. I would neutralize them with a word. I would have nightly confessions to my mom. I do remember a very specific intrusive thought about God that made me panic and I remember exactly where I was. I would wash my hands until they bled to "prevent" something bad from happening. I developed sexual Instrusive thoughts of my brother being romantically interested in me and it scared me so much, I always fought with him for the imagined fear that played in my mind. I have a bit of harm OCD and my biggest nemesis is POCD. I am in ERP therapy but my mind WILL not let me do what I need to work on because I'm living in constant fear or what if this isn't just OCD. I cut out my compulsive prayer after a thought, but my big one is mental checking. I have to gauge the perfect reaction to a thought to figure out I don't feel any way about it. My mind puts myself or children in situations to check how I feel and it's constant. I can't even call that intrusive anymore, it's an automatic compulsion. One "compulsion" I find interesting and wanted some insights on is when I see an adult on tv talking, I imagine them as a child. Not even sexually. Just how they might have acted as a child that led them to their characters personality. I also have trained my mind to think sexual relationships with adults are "dangerous" because they used to be kids. My mind will not stop ruminating, will not stop trying to show me proof of my obsession. I have dreamed of finding life since I was 9, I identify as a straight female, always interested in adult men. I've struggled with this theme since my early 20s and it started out so little, with just random words and images that I dismissed away with my compulsions but now it has spread and over taken my mind with excessive doubt.