I obsess over my sessions beforehand, ruminate about them afterwards, obsess over what my therapist thinks of me, am terrified I’m manipulating my therapist, obsess over how I’m wasting resources that could go to people who need services more than me or don’t have as much support as me, fear that I go for sexual reasons (I don’t it’s just a stupid obsession!!) , and more. Those things are just hard to talk about and when I do I feel worse because they don’t give reassurance (which I know is good) but I then I become absolutely convinced that all those things are true and feel like I have to fix things
I understand. I have had many of these same thoughts. When I first started treatment, I had thoughts like "You don't really have OCD. You are just making things up for attention" "ERP won't work for you. It has worked for countless other people, but it won't work for you" a couple months into treatment, I had a thought "Your OCD is moderate. You should drop out of treatment and let someone whose symptoms are more severe take your place" OCD is a jerk and a bully. It will do anything to keep you from starting or continuing treatment. Any time you make any attempt to ignore or resist OCD, it will fight back. But it will pass. You can do this!