- Date posted
- 3y
- Date posted
- 3y
Man that sounds really scary! You have definitely had a tough year, it sounds like. Moving is absolute HELL. I had a similar experience with my mental health, especially my OCD, when I moved out of state for college a few years ago. OCD is a coping strategy. It is a pattern of thinking, a “way” of thinking, designed to help the person feel more in control of uncontrollable and highly stressful situations. The way you think most likely started when you were young, where you would have to worry about something over and over again until your mind decided you had thought about it enough. It sounds like you are trying your hardest to cope with something that is extremely stressful for anybody, let alone a person with mental illness. From the tone of your post it sounds like you’re blaming yourself a bit for what is happening. I hope you can realize that the way you are feeling and you being sick is absolutely NOT your fault. You can’t use your sick brain to fix itself with the power of thought. You wouldn’t choose to feel like this if you could help it. I encourage you to seek out medical treatment in your area. It sounds like you have been suffering for way too long with all of the burden on you. Look for a therapist that you vibe well with, and specifically seek out a therapist with specialty in OCD. Don’t stop asking for help until you find someone who is perfect for you. You shouldn’t have to spend another minute feeling like this. I hope you get to feeling better soon, I’m so proud of you that you’ve made it this far. The next year will be so much easier.
- Date posted
- 3y
Thank you for the kind words. I do blame myself bc many things I did 2 years ago and maybe even going as far back as 10thgrade have played a part in what im going through today and I regret it. Im afraid and see no point in therapy bc I think ive already figured it out in my head and my ocd thoughts came true. I dont know how therapy will help
- Date posted
- 3y
@Imaan7 I can’t imagine something you did that would make you responsible for your own development of a mental illness. Everyone makes mistakes. Everyone makes choices that turned out to be the wrong ones. Nobody deserves to become sick because of that, and they certainly aren’t a bad person if they do. You are just a person. You didn’t ask to feel like this and if you could stop it I know you absolutely would. I get what you mean about therapy. I’ve had some therapists in my life that actually made things worse because they were stupid assholes. As an adult, I finally found a good therapist. It’s only worth it if they’re good for you. My therapist specializes in trauma and OCD, and she’s a social worker. She actually has PTSD and OCD herself and understands exactly what it feels like to deal with these disorders. I’ve been seeing her for several years now and I get better and better every time I talk to her. It’s just nice knowing every week I’m going to be able to talk to someone who understands exactly who I am, who knows everything about me, and who wants nothing more than to help me. The first time I saw her, she said “So, I think we would do some really good work together and I would love to help you. If you don’t feel the same way that is TOTALLY fine, I won’t be offended, therapy is for YOU and if I’m not the right fit that’s fine, but I feel like we could do some great work together.” It meant the world to me. She has never violated a single boundary with me. She lets me cancel appointments if I don’t feel like it, we talk about whatever I want or need to talk about, she has told me many times we can sit and color silently for an hour if that’s what I need. A good therapist is absolutely 100% worth it. Mine has saved my life and made me so much more comfortable.
- Date posted
- 3y
You’re still upset with this idea , and you haven’t come up to a conclusion , don’t worry , you’re not gay and try to look for a OCD specialist , it could be life-changing
- Date posted
- 3y
Thats the thing, I think I have come to a conclusion
- Date posted
- 3y
@Imaan7 Look for a podcast called OCD stories , I think it could be really helpful some of the episodes and I know it sounds hard but try to not find that conclusion or just use humour with the thoughts , try to remember how happy you were when you fell in love for that girl
- Date posted
- 3y
@2022Recovery I actually never experienced love ir a romantic attraction to a girl, never had a female friend. I liked them from a far away and honestly cant remember at all what that felt like, if anything it seems that I was just condtioned into wanting a gf and liking women.
Related posts
- Date posted
- 23w
since february i have "POcd". Initial symptoms were thoughts, but then I did a testing compulsion during an intimate time, and I spiraled ever since. I struggle with addiction to smut. I'm cutting that out, but I feel as if it is too late. Ive never experienced this much mental, and emotional anguish in my life. On my time on this application I have given advice to others, and helped around, but I wonder if that even applies to me. Millions of times I wish I could turn back time and be more careful. I want to prevent many things, including what led me to spiral into OCD in the first place. I'm surely having an OCD episode. I have gotten a diagnosis, but I'm still not sure. I feel evil, cause unlike many here, I tested on my body sensations and it backfired (twice) I know I'm not supposed to figure out why that is the case, but now I have to live with it for the rest of my life even if its something I don't desire. This is disgusting for me, it is abhorrent. I could've never seen this coming. Day by day I've become more fearful of living with this, "OCD". I was a normal person before this, I knew what I was attracted to, I know my preferences, so why did this come about? This is singlehandedly the most painful thing that has happened to me and I have nobody but myself to blame. I am scared of death but I also would'nt mind sleeping for years on end. My parents and brother were understanding of my situation, but I failed them regardless. I don't want them to see me this way, nor do I want them to learn more of my predicament. I'm cooked. I know it, Fin, thats all folks. I'm only 20 and I already have other diagnosed mental illness so I recklessly brought upon myself another one. Its agonizing to live through, I wish this on nobody, not even my worst enemy. I can't even identify myself at this point. Its tearing me apart.
- Date posted
- 20w
First I want to start off with, as a kid, my brother touched me inappropriately, I watched him do the same with my cousin, than later on I did the same to my cousin. I feel great shame for it and I have yet to forgive myself. Now, since than 10 years later, I have always loved women, fantasized about women, constantly prayed to have one and do things to be with one 1 day. I struggled with porn a lot as a kid because I was shown it at such a young age. I remember first watching lesbian porn, than moving to guy and girl, than countdowns, etc. I was so hooked that it took an identity crisis to end this porn addiction. (I have only been sober for 3 weeks.) Now I only mention this because I think my porn addiction somewhat ruined me, same way as what I did in the past did. A year ago, I started to talk to a childhood crush I had, and things felt so great. We started to get along but I knew all I wanted to do was have sex and move on as wrong as that is. I ended up falling in love with her and asked her to be my girl. 9 months in, we were having constant arguments and she had this problem where she couldn’t give me a break. We were with each other 24/7 and it felt like dealing with a sister at some point. I remember talking to my friends and asking them what would they do and they always advised me to leave but I was not willing to because I knew I loved her and the way I was feeling was temporary and couples argue. Couple weeks in, I started to have these thoughts that we weren’t going to work out and that I no longer found her attractive. I kinda ignored them because it simply wasn’t true, I still found her attractive and would get hard ons for her yet, I still had this mindset that, “Oh, there’s other hotter girls” and, “Your ex looked so much better.” and I couldn’t stop these thoughts. One day I randomly woke up and remembered what I did as a kid, my whole world felt like it flipped. The thoughts were now, “what if you don’t like her because you’re secretly gay?”. I first laughed at the thought because of how ridiculous it sounded, but than it just kept going. Two weeks from a cycle of unwanted thoughts (1st stage of my ocd), I finally got over the thought with simple toughness and determination, I did lots of research on what was going on with me and went with the, “thoughts are just thoughts” method. I was doing well until we watch a netflix documentary “American Murder: Gabby Petito” and all of a sudden my mind began to think, “What if I’m secretly a psychopath and want to kill my gf?”. For about a week straight, It’s all I was able to think about. It scared me so much and I didn’t know what to do. I started to get urges to KILL my gf. I didn’t know what to do so I left the room and crawled up in a ball, crying to god asking for help.These thoughts went away but were quickly replaced by, “You want to kill your gf because you’re just gay”. This sent me into such great panic, I couldn’t eat for days and couldn’t feel anything but anxiety. Days went by and I finally went to a doctor, at first I started to feel better as If I was getting help and things were going to be okay. The thoughts went away again as I began to start doing more things and get out of my room (head). I felt like I was back again, I was able to love my gf, I started to go to church, I felt that god was real and than boom. Here I am again and this time things have gotten really bad. I can’t stop “checking”. As soon as I wake up I check if my gf is “good” enough for me. I check my past and see if I have ever done anything that show signs of being gay. I check out other girls and guys to see whether or not I like one or the other. Even when I accepted the possibility that maybe I am just gay, my mind will fight me and tell me that I’m more than just gay. Truth is, I don’t know anymore. I’ve always loved girls and my gf. I don’t know if this is OCD anymore but I wish for my old life again. I’ve always been so proud of my sexuality and loved everything about it. I never been homophobic but gay stuff does make me uncomfortable. Each day feels like I lost another part of me. I feel like I can’t live like this anymore. I lost all my belief in god, my morals and value feel so weak, and my life is no longer a fun enjoyable thing to look forward to. I need help.
- Date posted
- 19w
i’ve been dealing with SOCD for 5 years and truly believe it has altered my life completely😀. i haven’t been properly diagnosed but the child therapist I had when i was in hs kind of hinted to me i had something more than just plain anxiety. i’ve also dealt with intrusive thoughts all throughout my childhood and as my family life got worse my anxiety got worse annnd i started getting more and more thoughts that wouldn’t leave me. I remember spending months not swallowing right and practically starving myself bc i kept thinking i was going to choke. i also rmbr spending months worrying ab death and dying EVERYDAY. it woke up with horrible anxiety and it was all i could think about. i can still rmbr sitting in my grandpas chair and just staring off and thinking “im going to die one day” “idk what’s going to happen” “is god real” “i don’t want to die” “what if there is no heaven” and so on. when the socd thoughts started i was 15. i searched around online for help and found reddit and i was like “omg yes finally people who understand and are going through EXACTLY what im going through.” finding that community and this app has helped me so much. anyway i had such a horrible time during my teenage years bc of all the intrusive thoughts about my sexuality, my relationship (glad that’s over), and some other things here and there. i was so so depressed and i felt no one around me understood how fucking awful i felt. i woke up everyday anxious, depressed, numb, and exhausted. when i started college i told my old therapist that even tho im extremely afraid of death i just didnt like living. i would cry in my car before class and just sob ab how awful i felt. although my mental health has gotten SO much better as time went on and the thoughts haven’t been as frequent im definitely not doing well. i am literally stuck. i’m still in college but i don’t know what to do with myself. those years of anxiety and depression have left me STUCK. im so much happier? and i can manage the thoughts way better but i don’t want to do anything. i only talk to 2 friends (literally lost so many great friendships), i RARELY drive bc im afraid ill die in a car crash (only to school and back), i don’t go out, i don’t ask for help at school, i avoid conversations, i avoid ppl in general, i don’t put in that much effort into school, i don’t have hobbies, i don’t want to do anything, i literally have the worst social anxiety now, im afraid of everything. i feel like the only reason im “ok” now is bc i’ve avoided literally everything. i’ve basically spent three years of my life doing nothing. i’m not happy with where i am in my life but im so scared to do anything. i miss who i was before all of this. i’ve been dealing with anxiety all my life and ik my childhood and early teen years made me like this. i didn’t know how to deal with the things i went through/saw as a little kid and i guess everything exploded in my teen years. but i want to be better i want to start LIVING. i’m definitely happier than before but im not living. what frustrates me is i refuse to do anything about it. i know a big reason why i don’t experience as many intrusive thoughts is bc i avoid everything 😭. ik what i have to do to get better and turn my life around BUT I WONT DO ANYTHING. idk how to explain this but its not laziness i feel like my body is exhausted. i think im just so traumatized from feeling so fucking horrible for so many years i just shut down ykwim?? i don’t have any libido, i don’t find ppl attractive, i can’t get myself to do the things im interested in (so many books r piled on my floor), i rot all day, i push off my responsibilities till the last minute, i can’t even get myself to go on a small walk. i don’t know where i was going w this but if someone who’s going through the same thing sees this ur not alone. i just needed to get this out. hopefully one day things will get better.
Be a part of the largest OCD Community
Share your thoughts so the Community can respond