Ive done so much damage to myself this entire year, anxiety attacks everyday, depression and ßuicidality for i dont even remember when it started. Exactly 365 days ago I moved to this new city and today my mental health is damaged thinking about that actually caused an attack last night. I believe Ive also realized im gay trying to suppress it, i think I had hocd but at the same time I was genuinely trying to figure out and understand my sexuality. Worked 9 months at a job as soon as i moved here and have little to no memory of working there, I mean I know worked there and remember it but where that time and those days went I have no idea, it feels strange. Dont know what to do, new year is here and my life and thinking has gone completely backwards.

booba

Date posted: 3y

Man that sounds really scary! You have definitely had a tough year, it sounds like. Moving is absolute HELL. I had a similar experience with my mental health, especially my OCD, when I moved out of state for college a few years ago. OCD is a coping strategy. It is a pattern of thinking, a “way” of thinking, designed to help the person feel more in control of uncontrollable and highly stressful situations. The way you think most likely started when you were young, where you would have to worry about something over and over again until your mind decided you had thought about it enough. It sounds like you are trying your hardest to cope with something that is extremely stressful for anybody, let alone a person with mental illness. From the tone of your post it sounds like you’re blaming yourself a bit for what is happening. I hope you can realize that the way you are feeling and you being sick is absolutely NOT your fault. You can’t use your sick brain to fix itself with the power of thought. You wouldn’t choose to feel like this if you could help it. I encourage you to seek out medical treatment in your area. It sounds like you have been suffering for way too long with all of the burden on you. Look for a therapist that you vibe well with, and specifically seek out a therapist with specialty in OCD. Don’t stop asking for help until you find someone who is perfect for you. You shouldn’t have to spend another minute feeling like this. I hope you get to feeling better soon, I’m so proud of you that you’ve made it this far. The next year will be so much easier.

Imaan7

Date posted: 3y

Thank you for the kind words. I do blame myself bc many things I did 2 years ago and maybe even going as far back as 10thgrade have played a part in what im going through today and I regret it. Im afraid and see no point in therapy bc I think ive already figured it out in my head and my ocd thoughts came true. I dont know how therapy will help

booba

Date posted: 3y

@Imaan7 I can’t imagine something you did that would make you responsible for your own development of a mental illness. Everyone makes mistakes. Everyone makes choices that turned out to be the wrong ones. Nobody deserves to become sick because of that, and they certainly aren’t a bad person if they do. You are just a person. You didn’t ask to feel like this and if you could stop it I know you absolutely would. I get what you mean about therapy. I’ve had some therapists in my life that actually made things worse because they were stupid assholes. As an adult, I finally found a good therapist. It’s only worth it if they’re good for you. My therapist specializes in trauma and OCD, and she’s a social worker. She actually has PTSD and OCD herself and understands exactly what it feels like to deal with these disorders. I’ve been seeing her for several years now and I get better and better every time I talk to her. It’s just nice knowing every week I’m going to be able to talk to someone who understands exactly who I am, who knows everything about me, and who wants nothing more than to help me. The first time I saw her, she said “So, I think we would do some really good work together and I would love to help you. If you don’t feel the same way that is TOTALLY fine, I won’t be offended, therapy is for YOU and if I’m not the right fit that’s fine, but I feel like we could do some great work together.” It meant the world to me. She has never violated a single boundary with me. She lets me cancel appointments if I don’t feel like it, we talk about whatever I want or need to talk about, she has told me many times we can sit and color silently for an hour if that’s what I need. A good therapist is absolutely 100% worth it. Mine has saved my life and made me so much more comfortable.

2022Recovery

Date posted: 3y

You’re still upset with this idea , and you haven’t come up to a conclusion , don’t worry , you’re not gay and try to look for a OCD specialist , it could be life-changing

Imaan7

Date posted: 3y

Thats the thing, I think I have come to a conclusion

2022Recovery

Date posted: 3y

@Imaan7 Look for a podcast called OCD stories , I think it could be really helpful some of the episodes and I know it sounds hard but try to not find that conclusion or just use humour with the thoughts , try to remember how happy you were when you fell in love for that girl

Imaan7

Date posted: 3y

@2022Recovery I actually never experienced love ir a romantic attraction to a girl, never had a female friend. I liked them from a far away and honestly cant remember at all what that felt like, if anything it seems that I was just condtioned into wanting a gf and liking women.

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