Hi... Prepare for a huge txt but I need to vent with someone because I need an opinion of what to do and what to feel. I can't tell if I'm overthinking or not. Or if I'm being a horrible person and I should even feel more guilty. This is about ROCD. I'm gay and I have a gf. We have been dating for almost 5 months and in absolutely in love with her. She's my everything and I'm so afraid to be unfair/cheating. I also have this friend (he's a guy btw) who's overly flirtatious with everyone and he's also super insecure about himself and takes a lot of things people say very personally. I also suffer from a bit of sexual orientation ocd and sometimes I fear that I have a crush on him or something... Even though I don't even want even cuddle him let alone anything else.... We have this joke between us that we are husband and wife (it started before I even knew that my gf confessed feelings for me) and I always feel guilty for not ending the joke with my friend because he'd get depressed and maybe harm himself... And yes! I did tell my gf about this joke and she's OK with it. His nickname is cookie and he started a joke once because I was eating cookies once and he started laughing because... Well... You know what it entails. And sometimes I'm saying I'm eating cookies to make him laugh... But now I regret it because I maybe I'm flirting with him or something. I don't really know what flirting is. I know when I'm flirting with my gf but not if I'm accidentally flirting with others. And flirting for me (yes... This is just my take on it. My choice. But I feel that meflirting is cheating and I don't want to do that... I sometimes feel a really tight bond with this friend and it scares me. I try to dismiss my thoughts but they scare me that I may have a crush on him or something... And I don't want that... I just want to love my gf. There was this time... Even before I was dating my gf (but it was after she confessed her feelings for me), I was playing games with cookie (he was watching me), and he said "you are so cute" in a tender voice and I sat there feeling flushed - like those feelings you have when you develop a crush? Idk if I was feeling a crush or not. And I somewhat panicked. I have false memories about that moment. Heck! Maybe I'm just fooling myself that those were false memories. I started feeling worried that I actually was happy with him being this loving to me.... But I do think that I assured myself that i didn't because I don't want to have a romantic relationship him but my memory fails me.... And I have doubts and worries that... I did want to be romantic with him (Im pretty sure I don't but not entirely...) One more event that has been guilt-tripping me is that... Once or twice... I acted or did something "cute" for him to compliment me... I can't remember what! Or maybe I'm having false memories again... And I think it's definitely flirting and therefore cheating! I hate myself... I've been crying and feeling miserable.... And I have been avoiding said friend. I regret so badly ever meeting this friend because I told him that he needs to stop with the lewd jokes about me and he hasn't. I feel like I should break with my gf because she deserves so much better... She's an angel and I don't deserve her. I love her so much... (I don't know if it helps but he's a very loving person and sometimes he says he wants to give me kisses and cuddles and I say "sure" because I don't want to hurt him but I'm always uncomfortable with that idea) Please help me... And please don't hate me... I'm so sorry....

Jess425

Date posted: 4y

Hey, Please don’t worry, I really don’t think it’s your fault, to me this sounds like manipulation and guilt tripping on your friends end. Please don’t feel you are at fault, I would recommend still avoiding said friend or even cutting them off entirely, it seems like he is forcing himself on to you and that’s causing you to act how you do.

myocdstory2

Date posted: 4y

Hi! Thank you for replying... I think so too... I'm slowly cutting him off because of my mental health. But I'm doing it slowly so he doesn't harm himself. The other day I told him that I wasn't feeling comfortable with the jokes anymore and he replied in such a angry way.... And guess what? He didn't stop? I'm getting so fed up.... And so tired...

Jess425

Date posted: 4y

I feel horrible that you have to experience that, I can tell that he is causing you a lot of mental stress. In my opinion if he tries to harm himself you should tell someone responsible, and if he responds angrily, that’s a red flag, an agry reaction to you asking for something that would help your discomfort could lead to something dangerous, perhaps even mental or physical abuse.

myocdstory2

Date posted: 4y

Thank you for your support! And yes! You are absolutely right! It's manipulation. I have noticed a few months back. (it will never be a physical abuse because he's from another country) but... He has told me that he wants to visit and I don't want him to visit anymore because I'm afraid of abuse like you said...

Jess425

Date posted: 4y

@myocdstory2 Im glad that you are able to recognize and agree that the way he is treating you isn’t right, and if he lives in a different country, you haven’t met him before, and he is obsessive, that sounds sketchy and dangerous.

Drvmstick

Date posted: 4y

Hey I’m sorry to hear you’re struggling with that. Are you doing ERP? Because it sounds like you have a lot to work with here. I know this isn’t what you want to hear, but you have to lean into the idea that maybe you do have a small crush on them. Maybe you do flirt with them sometimes. You may be gay but you might also think they’re kind of cute. Truth is, the more you fight these thoughts the stronger they get. You have to accept the fact that you just don’t know. 2 years ago my ROCD was unbearable but now I’ve learned acceptance and it’s changed my life for the better

myocdstory2

Date posted: 4y

Sorry for the late reply!! It didn't warn me.... I just... I don't want to cheat... And flirting for me is cheating! I'm crying thinking about it.... I'm so afraid that I cheated on my gf. I have so many ocd topics and I can't fight all of them at the same time.... It's so painful. I'm so happy to hear that you are doing better though!

Drvmstick

Date posted: 4y

@myocdstory2 Yeah it sucks. You don’t have to fight it all at once. It’s a slow process, but it’s definitely doable. If it’s too much you should see a therapist. But I promise if you put in the work you can get better. But you have to let go of the ruminating and accept what I said earlier

thoughtsaren...

Date posted: 4y

I’m so sorry you are going through this! This sounds extremely challenging and like a lot of anxiety that I am sure makes your relationship more challenging. (I know I shouldn’t be offering you reassurance) but there is absolutely nothing wrong with having a crush or flirting with someone else when in a relationship. I agree with drvmstick, try doing some exposure therapy and sitting with these feelings of anxiety. I know it’s challenging but it might really help you. Also expressing to your girlfriend your OCD thoughts. Because that’s all they are, thoughts. It might help you to say them aloud especially to someone you love who loves you, while trying to avoid reassurance obviously. You can get through this! I believe in you.

myocdstory2

Date posted: 4y

Hi! I'm so sorry for the late reply! Thank you... I'm just very overwhelmed rn and crying because I feel like I cheated on my gf. I don't mind the crush part (I can't control it) but I mind the flirting.... Because it feels like I cheated on my gf and I can't stop crying over it

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