- Date posted
- 3y
- Date posted
- 3y
Hey I felt exactly the same as you. Literally exactly. I got therapy from a nocd therapist and I'm doing a hell of a lot better. I'm not saying the every day is easy, I still have low points and question my sexuality every once in a while, but it's not CONSTANTLY on my mind anymore. Hell I had a panic attack yesterday because I got a groinal and Literally ran out of my boyfriend's house crying (he wasn't home). Today I'm back to feeling like myself. The difference between me prior to therapy and now is that I wasn't functioning back then. OCD likes to trick you and make you think there's no light at the end of the tunnel. In the moment it feels extremely real. It all felt real back then. When I go through my little blips like yesterday it feels absolutely 100 percent real. In those moments it feels like my whole life is going to change. I have to come out, leave my boyfriend, marry a women, the whole shabang. And it feels like I want it when it's happening! And then bam I stop panicking and life continues on normally and I'm back to being happy where I am. I don't know if I'm gay, I don't really care because I'm living by my values right now and that's what matters. No one really knows for sure and unfortunately no one will ever be "sure" about anything. Get treatment and THEN decide what you want to do.
- Date posted
- 3y
But I think I will want to be gay after i get better, it literally feels like this is the real me that I never realized all these years
- User type
- OCD Conqueror
- Date posted
- 3y
@Imaan7 Not giving reassurance but facts that stuff is figured out at a young age but ocd attacks that value thats most important to you, it can make it feel absolutely real but recovery is a process, just like all things it takes time my friend.
- User type
- OCD Conqueror
- Date posted
- 3y
@Imaan7 I to have those thoughts , i try not to given into them but let them be there. The less you give ocd that attention the better
- Date posted
- 3y
@Sp1999 I dont know man, Although I dont believe it changes but alot of people can realize it later and I think Im one of them. I also think my past attraction to women and wanting a gf was just conditioned into me. Ive never even had a romantic crush or a close female friend, completely forgotten how I used to feel about females. Im so far down the hole of this, or maybe im not and whatever happened to me is a process idk if im making much sense but the anxiety is killing me.
- User type
- OCD Conqueror
- Date posted
- 3y
@Imaan7 Have you read into mindfulness? Maybe that can help. But its okay to not know and to not be okay but you are strong, you can pull through this. I find talking about the thoughts allowed sorta helped me ease the anxiety
- User type
- OCD Conqueror
- Date posted
- 3y
@Imaan7 I understand bro no worries
- Date posted
- 3y
@Imaan7 That's fine if you want to be gay afterwards. It's actually irrelevant to getting treatment
- Date posted
- 3y
@hateocd123 Yeah see makes me not want to seek therapy if thats what was supposed to happen all along
- Date posted
- 3y
I thought the same thing. I still do sometimes. But it really does help!
- User type
- OCD Conqueror
- Date posted
- 3y
It helps that acceptance to the uncertainty definitely ! Someone had told me even writing things down in a notebook could help
- User type
- OCD Conqueror
- Date posted
- 3y
Hey man, dont beat yourself up too much about it. Its okay, your strong you got this. Therapy can help my friend, trust me i get the same thoughts when i think well f*ck it ill accept this and that will be it and therapy cant help me because my mind is speaking truth in reality that ocd is trying to keep you stuck ( if that makes sense)
- Date posted
- 3y
❤
Related posts
- Date posted
- 23w
I’m sobbing right now. I’m convinced that I’ve been in denial all along and that it’s all real. It has to be now. I don’t wanna be a boy but I feel like there’s no way I’m not one if I’m doing these things. There’s no way I’m a cis girl if I’m doing these things. I’m so fucking done with life I feel absolutely trapped. I don’t wanna be a man but fuuuuuuuuck I think it’s real now I’m so fcking done with living. I really feel like I’ve been using OCD as an excuse/a cover up and I’m scared it’s all a facade. There’s no way it’s not real now I’m literally so fcking scared I want it all to stop. If anyone has advice please send some my way. I need it badly
- Date posted
- 20w
First I want to start off with, as a kid, my brother touched me inappropriately, I watched him do the same with my cousin, than later on I did the same to my cousin. I feel great shame for it and I have yet to forgive myself. Now, since than 10 years later, I have always loved women, fantasized about women, constantly prayed to have one and do things to be with one 1 day. I struggled with porn a lot as a kid because I was shown it at such a young age. I remember first watching lesbian porn, than moving to guy and girl, than countdowns, etc. I was so hooked that it took an identity crisis to end this porn addiction. (I have only been sober for 3 weeks.) Now I only mention this because I think my porn addiction somewhat ruined me, same way as what I did in the past did. A year ago, I started to talk to a childhood crush I had, and things felt so great. We started to get along but I knew all I wanted to do was have sex and move on as wrong as that is. I ended up falling in love with her and asked her to be my girl. 9 months in, we were having constant arguments and she had this problem where she couldn’t give me a break. We were with each other 24/7 and it felt like dealing with a sister at some point. I remember talking to my friends and asking them what would they do and they always advised me to leave but I was not willing to because I knew I loved her and the way I was feeling was temporary and couples argue. Couple weeks in, I started to have these thoughts that we weren’t going to work out and that I no longer found her attractive. I kinda ignored them because it simply wasn’t true, I still found her attractive and would get hard ons for her yet, I still had this mindset that, “Oh, there’s other hotter girls” and, “Your ex looked so much better.” and I couldn’t stop these thoughts. One day I randomly woke up and remembered what I did as a kid, my whole world felt like it flipped. The thoughts were now, “what if you don’t like her because you’re secretly gay?”. I first laughed at the thought because of how ridiculous it sounded, but than it just kept going. Two weeks from a cycle of unwanted thoughts (1st stage of my ocd), I finally got over the thought with simple toughness and determination, I did lots of research on what was going on with me and went with the, “thoughts are just thoughts” method. I was doing well until we watch a netflix documentary “American Murder: Gabby Petito” and all of a sudden my mind began to think, “What if I’m secretly a psychopath and want to kill my gf?”. For about a week straight, It’s all I was able to think about. It scared me so much and I didn’t know what to do. I started to get urges to KILL my gf. I didn’t know what to do so I left the room and crawled up in a ball, crying to god asking for help.These thoughts went away but were quickly replaced by, “You want to kill your gf because you’re just gay”. This sent me into such great panic, I couldn’t eat for days and couldn’t feel anything but anxiety. Days went by and I finally went to a doctor, at first I started to feel better as If I was getting help and things were going to be okay. The thoughts went away again as I began to start doing more things and get out of my room (head). I felt like I was back again, I was able to love my gf, I started to go to church, I felt that god was real and than boom. Here I am again and this time things have gotten really bad. I can’t stop “checking”. As soon as I wake up I check if my gf is “good” enough for me. I check my past and see if I have ever done anything that show signs of being gay. I check out other girls and guys to see whether or not I like one or the other. Even when I accepted the possibility that maybe I am just gay, my mind will fight me and tell me that I’m more than just gay. Truth is, I don’t know anymore. I’ve always loved girls and my gf. I don’t know if this is OCD anymore but I wish for my old life again. I’ve always been so proud of my sexuality and loved everything about it. I never been homophobic but gay stuff does make me uncomfortable. Each day feels like I lost another part of me. I feel like I can’t live like this anymore. I lost all my belief in god, my morals and value feel so weak, and my life is no longer a fun enjoyable thing to look forward to. I need help.
- Date posted
- 17w
I’ve recovered from HOCD before and got my attraction and my usual actual identity back. I was recovered from end 2022- start 2025 until I got triggered UGHHH😭 My HOCD is REALLY trying to convince me and it’s SO annoying cause I genuinely don’t want these thoughts. I know I naturally like men and always have done so. I can’t wait for my first therapy session in two days Omg! I need your advice, not necessarily reassurance, but more advice? My HOCD is throwing random “proof” I did/ saw as a child in my face, which back then had no meaning in my life and I continued to live a perfectly heterosexual life. I’ve educated myself about arousal non concordance / child’s play, but it still doesn’t remove the HOCD. I’ve read therapists great explanations on how it’s not a sexuality issue, BUT ITS AN OCD BRAIN ISSUE. So basically I’ve been straight and i will die as straight. But my ocd is still continuing with the intrusive thoughts/flashbacks. I’ve had some moments where I haven’t done as many compulsions and had less anxiety but still had those damn thoughts and I DO NOT want those damn thoughts. I have so much proof and factual/logical explanations but HOCD is still continuing to thrive. I absolutely hate this and I feel so alone. I wish there was a reset button cause I don’t want these thoughts to happen. I want a man and I stand by that. How do y’all deal with these situations? Cause sitting with the thoughts is clearly not helping.
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