- Date posted
- 3y
- Date posted
- 3y
Yes. My son is 3 and I go through all of this. That's why on your last post I really wanted to talk to you on IG or some other way. I have been better but have days where I'm in panic mode. I'm like you where I hyperfocus and if something seems like I may have done it on purpose I spiral bad. That guilt feeling is the worse. I'm so sorry you are going through this. I swear your posts are something I could have typed myself. If you do want to talk please let me know your IG username or some other username you may have. We are so similar
- Date posted
- 3y
Oh my gosh I know exactly how you feel. When I cuddle with my daughters they tend to try to put their feet between my legs to get them warm and I push them away. Or they rest their head near my chest I feel like they need to move away from there. Or unbuckling their car seat my brain says I need to do it very quickly. I hyperfixate and test myself and try to make sure I don’t feel anything at all. Bath time, I give my daughter the wash cloth so she can clean herself up. And the thing is I never feel anything at all, of course! I’m just constantly afraid of it happening. It comes from the fact that I was SA when I was 2 years old, so I constantly fear myself turning into my abuser. I read a few books that have helped a ton, but I know exactly what you’re going through. I see you mama. I know who you are and you’re a good person who loves her children endlessly and would never harm them
- Date posted
- 3y
And when I say test myself, I mean that I am making sure that I’m not feeling anything constantly. Just to clarify
- Date posted
- 3y
Omgosh. Ok so i don't know if you believe in mediums but she said I was sa at 2-3 years old too. I wonder if mine is linked too. She only said it because I always suspected it I'm the same way as you both. It's exhausting to deal with sometimes. I've been better than I was but definitely feeling anxious the last couple days
- Date posted
- 3y
@Maeh24 I don’t want to freak you out but I always suspected it too, and I actually just found out about my SA. My mom told me it was the reason my father had strict court orders to not be able to see me. I literally just found out a few months ago, it was like I always knew it though. I had terrible anxiety my whole life and many other symptoms of a SA child. I think being afraid to harm our kids is our brains way of protecting them from what we may have went through
- Date posted
- 3y
@Anon1294 *hugs* at least you have some type of confirmation to heal properly. But yes you are probably right about how our brains are just in overdrive of protecting even though we don't need to because we are not harmful
- Date posted
- 3y
@Anon1294 Are you married? Do you also have rocd?
- Date posted
- 3y
@Maeh24 I have a boyfriend of 7 years we have our children together and I love him very much but, I had a short period of rocd last year. I’ve also dealt with SO-OCD for years at a time. I have had various themes throughout my life and a few months ago the POCD showed up, right after learning about the SA
- Date posted
- 3y
@Maeh24 Exactly that’s what I believe it is. Our biggest fear is causing trauma to our children or losing them, so our brain is being extremely hyper vigilant. I compare it to contamination OCD and think to myself it’s like trying to prevent that “deadly illness” by washing my hands over and over….but instead I am constantly pushing my children away to protect them as my compulsion
- Date posted
- 3y
You sound like me. I'm always afraid every time I need to buckle my daughter into her seat, I'm afriad to play with her. Even when she's not in the room, I'm hyper aware of where my hands are. If I'm reaching out to grab something, I'm very nervous, and always think I'm doing something wrong.
- Date posted
- 3y
Please get a therapist that understands OCD and specializes in ERP. I know it doesn't seem like it now, but recovery is possible. It will take time and hard work. I also suggest listening to the NOCD podcast OCD Stories. The host interviews OCD experts and ordinary people who live with OCD.
Related posts
- Date posted
- 21w
TW! please someone comment When I was 12 or 13 I used to babysit a little girl, she had a habit of keeping her hand in her diaper and was always touching herself, there was one point I was changing her diaper and noticed she was really red. I had separated her private parts and checked the inner area for signs of infection. She was okay, just some really really bad diaper rash. I know this is what happened yet my brain is trying to convince me that I hurt her, and that I wanted to do it, I know I would never hurt a child but with all the anxiety I feel when I think about it I'm starting to wonder if I did do it because I wanted to hurt her, I don't wanna be a p, I don't wanna hurt innocent children, I used to never have these thoughts but now I do and I'm so scared to tell my therapist as she hasn't diagnosed me with ocd yet. I don't want her to think I'm a p nor do I wanna hurt kids, but my brain keeps telling me that I do and that I'm just lying to myself and everyone around me, ik I would never do something that could harm a child but I keep getting these thoughts and their inappropriate and I just want them to stop, does anyone have any tips on how to help myself? I keep turning to my boyfriend for reassurance but ik that that's just a quick fix and that ill be spiraling about it again.Please help
- Date posted
- 20w
Hi everyone, this is giving me so much anxiety even saying this out loud because my OcD is telling me that somehow someone will know who I am on here and report me this goes with what I’m about to say about my irrational stuff. Since my baby was born I’ve had a lot of majorrr anxiety about him getting sick. From there my postpartum ocd spiked. I had this irrational fear someone would falsely report me as a bad mom and I’d get my baby taken from me. I’ve NEVER had anyone tell me I’m a bad mom, as a matter of fact, almost every day I get praised for how good of a mom I am. My child is so loved and taken care of. So why did I have that fear? it CONSUMED ME. Obsessively cleaning my house in case a social worker came. Stopped posting myself having occasional girls nights out for dinner because I thought one of my followers would think I’m a bad mom for getting a break. Not being able to talk about ANYTHING or send pictures of my baby to family and friends to update them since we live out of state because somehow I thought I would say something wrong or do something that would make someone think I’m a bad mom. I was convinced my baby was gonna be taken for zero reason. I still sometimes catch myself over analyzing myself and what I say because I don’t want to say the wrong thing and someone think I’m not a fit mom. I would even replay every scenario I remember and then second guess myself if that really happened or if I said something or not and freak out and spiral from there. with driving, if I go over a speed bump I have to double check it wasn’t magically a person. Then I panic even though I know for a fact it was a speed bump. I hate living like this. I feel crazy. I don’t open up because I feel like I’m the only person in the world. The one time I opened up about driving it was used against me. I feel like I’m drowning and I’m failing as a mom. I don’t even open up to a therapist about my irrational fear about baby being taken bc I don’t want them to think I’m a bad mom. It just doesn’t stop.
- Date posted
- 19w
My mind is telling me I'm the only one who is dealing with something like this. Idk why I did my biggest BIGGEST fear. I was put on a new medication when this happened which caused me to spiral, my thoughts to be more often, and have insomnia. I have been diagnosed with POCD as well. I woke up in the middle of the night when my child was laying completely cross my chest. I was breathing and having groinal sensations. My mind told me that I assaulted her by this, and I was going to prison for it. My thoughts started going like this, "you're already bad might as well do something else", "no sense in stopping now" "you can finally do what you've always wanted", "what would you do if you could do anything to cause harm" So I had to think of what to do in the moment. The only thing I could think to do was move my elbow towards my child's groin. In the moment it felt like I really wanted to do this. I proceeded to do so, and my elbow touched her groin. I immediately told my child to move off me. I then went back to sleep. When I woke up, I began panicking, confessing to a family member what happened, and crying immensely. I feel like I failed as a mother. I'm in such distress since I started sleeping on the floor to avoid it from happening again, and I got off the medication. I'm so much better OCD wise since I got off the meds. I was the BEST mom months ago before this happened. The thoughts have always bothered me, and I was always scared I would give in and act on them. I'm living my worst nightmare. I feel alone. Felt so so wanted in the moment and SO real. Which I don't understand. Ugh. Could someone just give me some support?
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