Does anyone have ocd so severe that it feels like no matter what you’re doing, you’re doing something wrong? For example, no matter how I’m holding my daughter I feel like it’s wrong. If I hold her close to me, far away from me, where my hands are placed, etc. I had to unbuckle her seat straps on her high chair and I felt like i went in too aggressive. The buckle lays right in her crotch and allll I could about, was my fingers being near her crotch. I start to hyper focus on it and it makes me soooo uncomfortable. 😓. If she’s laying on my chest I start to hyper focus on my breasts and how they feel and I start to focus so hard on making sure they don’t move or anything. The slightest twitch will send me into a spiral. Same thing when she’s sitting on my lap. I’m constantly telling myself “don’t move don’t move don’t move” and if my leg does move even the slightest bit I freak out and rush of guilt runs over me. Sometimes I don’t even know if I actually move or not, or if I just imagine it. It’s getting really out of hand. I feel so anxious all of the time and I feel like every move I make is wrong. I’m so stiff around her. She’s two so she crawls all over me and if she straddles my leg or my foot or lap or anything I feel this brush of guilt take over me that makes me want to vomit. Like I could’ve done something to prevent it. And when I don’t take the steps to prevent it, I feel so guilty. Like I didn’t move out of the way because I wanted it. When doing diaper changes, I’m so careful about where my hands are, where the diaper is, etc. My mind and heart are just racing and I literally have to think about what my next Move is, strategically place my hands so that they aren’t anywhere near anything conceivably dangerous. My stomach is in knots right now because I just feel so guilty about every single movement I’ve made today. I’m constantly on edge and ruminating/preparing for every move I make all of the time.

Yes. My son is 3 and I go through all of this. That's why on your last post I really wanted to talk to you on IG or some other way. I have been better but have days where I'm in panic mode. I'm like you where I hyperfocus and if something seems like I may have done it on purpose I spiral bad. That guilt feeling is the worse. I'm so sorry you are going through this. I swear your posts are something I could have typed myself. If you do want to talk please let me know your IG username or some other username you may have. We are so similar

Oh my gosh I know exactly how you feel. When I cuddle with my daughters they tend to try to put their feet between my legs to get them warm and I push them away. Or they rest their head near my chest I feel like they need to move away from there. Or unbuckling their car seat my brain says I need to do it very quickly. I hyperfixate and test myself and try to make sure I don’t feel anything at all. Bath time, I give my daughter the wash cloth so she can clean herself up. And the thing is I never feel anything at all, of course! I’m just constantly afraid of it happening. It comes from the fact that I was SA when I was 2 years old, so I constantly fear myself turning into my abuser. I read a few books that have helped a ton, but I know exactly what you’re going through. I see you mama. I know who you are and you’re a good person who loves her children endlessly and would never harm them

You sound like me. I'm always afraid every time I need to buckle my daughter into her seat, I'm afriad to play with her. Even when she's not in the room, I'm hyper aware of where my hands are. If I'm reaching out to grab something, I'm very nervous, and always think I'm doing something wrong.

Please get a therapist that understands OCD and specializes in ERP. I know it doesn't seem like it now, but recovery is possible. It will take time and hard work. I also suggest listening to the NOCD podcast OCD Stories. The host interviews OCD experts and ordinary people who live with OCD.