- Username
- Freemeofocd
- Date posted
- 3y ago
Yes. My son is 3 and I go through all of this. That's why on your last post I really wanted to talk to you on IG or some other way. I have been better but have days where I'm in panic mode. I'm like you where I hyperfocus and if something seems like I may have done it on purpose I spiral bad. That guilt feeling is the worse. I'm so sorry you are going through this. I swear your posts are something I could have typed myself. If you do want to talk please let me know your IG username or some other username you may have. We are so similar
Oh my gosh I know exactly how you feel. When I cuddle with my daughters they tend to try to put their feet between my legs to get them warm and I push them away. Or they rest their head near my chest I feel like they need to move away from there. Or unbuckling their car seat my brain says I need to do it very quickly. I hyperfixate and test myself and try to make sure I don’t feel anything at all. Bath time, I give my daughter the wash cloth so she can clean herself up. And the thing is I never feel anything at all, of course! I’m just constantly afraid of it happening. It comes from the fact that I was SA when I was 2 years old, so I constantly fear myself turning into my abuser. I read a few books that have helped a ton, but I know exactly what you’re going through. I see you mama. I know who you are and you’re a good person who loves her children endlessly and would never harm them
And when I say test myself, I mean that I am making sure that I’m not feeling anything constantly. Just to clarify
Omgosh. Ok so i don't know if you believe in mediums but she said I was sa at 2-3 years old too. I wonder if mine is linked too. She only said it because I always suspected it I'm the same way as you both. It's exhausting to deal with sometimes. I've been better than I was but definitely feeling anxious the last couple days
@Maeh24 I don’t want to freak you out but I always suspected it too, and I actually just found out about my SA. My mom told me it was the reason my father had strict court orders to not be able to see me. I literally just found out a few months ago, it was like I always knew it though. I had terrible anxiety my whole life and many other symptoms of a SA child. I think being afraid to harm our kids is our brains way of protecting them from what we may have went through
@Anon1294 *hugs* at least you have some type of confirmation to heal properly. But yes you are probably right about how our brains are just in overdrive of protecting even though we don't need to because we are not harmful
@Anon1294 Are you married? Do you also have rocd?
@Maeh24 I have a boyfriend of 7 years we have our children together and I love him very much but, I had a short period of rocd last year. I’ve also dealt with SO-OCD for years at a time. I have had various themes throughout my life and a few months ago the POCD showed up, right after learning about the SA
@Maeh24 Exactly that’s what I believe it is. Our biggest fear is causing trauma to our children or losing them, so our brain is being extremely hyper vigilant. I compare it to contamination OCD and think to myself it’s like trying to prevent that “deadly illness” by washing my hands over and over….but instead I am constantly pushing my children away to protect them as my compulsion
You sound like me. I'm always afraid every time I need to buckle my daughter into her seat, I'm afriad to play with her. Even when she's not in the room, I'm hyper aware of where my hands are. If I'm reaching out to grab something, I'm very nervous, and always think I'm doing something wrong.
Please get a therapist that understands OCD and specializes in ERP. I know it doesn't seem like it now, but recovery is possible. It will take time and hard work. I also suggest listening to the NOCD podcast OCD Stories. The host interviews OCD experts and ordinary people who live with OCD.
I feel like I am going insane. My ocd has never been this bad before. I’m waking up every morning with extreme dehabilitating anxiety. I am gagging and using the restroom all of the time. My pocd has reached an all time high. I work in a law firm and read a very disturbing case involving child abuse and child pornography. Ever since my world has been twisted upside down. I feel like the line is so thin. Like anyone can cross it in a split second and their world can be flipped upside down in an instant. I have a daughter of my own and that night after having read that story at work, my intrusive thoughts and feelings were at an all time high. I was changing her diaper and had intrusive thoughts which I knew was going to, givin the triggering and emotionally draining day I had. I quickly pushed them out of my head and then what happened next is some what of a blur because I have spent the last five days ruminating it over and over and over again in my head. I was trying to get her to lay down in her crib and she kept standing up. I was gonna lay her down in a way that required me to maneuver her with one hand and that one hand would be in between her legs, over her clothes and her diaper. I see people carry and handle their babies like this all of the time but I always avoid it. This time I didn’t. I fought the compulsion to move my hand. Because it is in fact, not a sexual thing at all. But in my mind I had it made out to be. I remember moving her super quickly in that fashion and immediately feeling guilt like I did it in a malicious sexual way. Even though the movement itself is not sexual at all, because it has been in my mind forever as a sexual place I’ve always avoided it. I was attempting to fight the compulsion and now as a result because I didn’t move my hand, I feel like I have done something horrible. I feel so guilty. All because of a quick 5 second movement. I keep imagining me without my daughter, going to jail, her not having me, my family disowning me. I can’t handle the immense amount of emotional distress I am feeling because of this event. I keep feeling like I could’ve moved her in a different way, why did I have to move Her in the way that required my hand to be between her legs? Was it me trying to somehow act out on the intrusive thoughts I had previously? I am so torn apart by this. I would never ever intentionally hurt my baby. Ever. My biggest fear is her being abused. In an attempt to stand up to my ocd and desexualize that specific action, it has launched me into the worst ocd episode of my life.
I live in a constant state of fear and panic that I will hurt someone. I do not want to hurt anyone ever but that’s OCD for ya, making you feel like you have or will hurt someone. Does anyone else have to do daily tasks that are extremely triggering for them but you HAVE to do it? I have to change my child’s diaper. That’s part of being a good parent. But it’s terrifying for me to change the diapers. When I’m changing a diaper I feel myself being so extremely careful that I don’t hurt the baby, that I feel like I mess up anyway from being over cautious. I don’t think I actually mess up, but I fear that I do. So much so I enter a trance like state where my mind shuts off and I’m in such a state of pure panic that I convince myself I did hurt the baby. I feel like blacked out almost? Then I feel like I can’t even remember if I actually did anything wrong or not because I feel like I did but I can’t remember. It’s almost like the worst out of body experience like I’m in a trance like state of panic. Is that a thing?
Earlier I was playing with my 1 year old baby. I went to go lower him to the ground and I hoisted his legs up to a hand stand (again just playing, he had fun with this) anyway after the hand stand, I went to lower his legs back to the ground. As I was lowering him, I noticed his “front area” coming down toward my foot. I acknowledged that his front area was heading straight for my foot and quickly in my head was like “eh whatever just do it” and so his front area landed on my foot and then I jerked my foot away once he landed on it. I’m shaking typing this, I feel I’ve done something horribly wrong and may have violated him 😭 this whole incident happened so fast. I wasn’t able to fully process my actions to tell my self “no that’s wrong, move your foot!” And now I feel TERRIBLE. I’m spiraling. The terrible thought of “your doing this because you like it and you know you would like it” did not cross my mind when I told my self to just let his area land on my foot. So I don’t think I did it purposely for ill intent? I would never want to hurt my child but ocd makes it feel so real
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