- Username
- Imaan7
- Date posted
- 2y ago
Take a deep breath.... you're going to be okay. This is the power of anxiety:it sends you into panic mode and makes you feel more lost, scared and confused by the second....but you're going to be okay. I really think you should consider talking to your therapist again....you thinking that he's going to think you're rude is part of that anxiety... but turns out that he's probably going to understand. That's the point of a therapist- no judgement. He's going to walk you through exercises that help you access these thoughts and feelings individually. You can overcome this anxiety. I know how you feelđŁ... sometimes I just wanna grab anxiety's spindly legs and fling it across the room,out of my mind. You're going to be okay â¤ď¸
You have to take that next step. You have to push yourself, step into the light. Discover yourself, celebrate yourself, be gentle with yourself. You may come to find out youâre not gay at all, itâs just the fear that made you feel this way. But you wonât know until you try
â¤ď¸â¤ď¸â¤ď¸ keep posting on here if you need to. Keep doing what you can to reach out for support and help. You are not alone. You are not wrong for the way you feel. You are not wrong for being sick. You need help and support and compassion. Youâre a human being just like the rest of us, you are a complex individual and there isnât a single thing about you that is bad or wrong. You deserve to be heard and understood. You deserve to be free from how distressing your thoughts are. Even if you are âjust gayâ, you are still experience a lot of pain and distress and you still deserve help with that. You shouldnât feel so horrible about your thoughts and about who you are. You have your whole lifetime to figure out your gender and sexuality and what you want in a partner. In the mean time, you shouldnât feel horrible about every thought and what those thoughts might mean, and you should be able to love and accept every new thing you learn about yourself, no matter what those things may be. You donât have to figure out your sexuality right now. You HAVE to get the help you need to stop feeling so horrible all the time. You deserve it.
Remember, this is hocd, if you are afraid of your sexual orientation and it doesn't bring you relief, it is ocd and not a true thing
I'm so hopeless. I have no one to talk about this, so I come here to vent about everything that has been on my mind, haunting me daily. Since I was a little girl, I've dreamt about my prince charming. I grew up with this in mind, but I never got in a relationship, as I've kept my heart shut, as I've dealt with melancholy and social anxiety. People scared me, and I wanted to make things right (on the way I saw fit for myself). Things got better, I grew up, made some friends. And then, on January, hocd came and changed everything. The fact that I watch same sex porn, and that I have never been in a relationship messed me up so bad. And amongst many thoughts, many what ifs, so much uncertainty, one thing is rock solid. I don't see myself with a woman, it doesn't feel right. Even the idea of being bisexual feels foreign for me. I have nothing against people who are LGBT, but that's not who I've always seen myself. And suddenly, that's all I can think of. Nothing else matters, I feel uncaring and cold. I feel like I'll never find a guy that I love, that im just now finding out that I'm LGBT even if I don't want that. I feel awful, and everyday I think about dying. If this thought crossed my mind before, I'd be so appalled by it, but today I'm pretty serious about it. Hocd is killing me little by little, and I'm crying as I write this. My mind tells me I'm in denial, that I'm just afraid of people's reactions, and that once I accept it, I'll be alright. But I don't want that, I simply don't. My mind doesn't work properly, I can't remember how I used to think before all this, but I remember having dreams, imagining scenarios of my "prince charming", of a future that made me cozy and happy. All that's in my mind now is torturous doubt, that feels so real.
Okay so having a lil anxiety attack right now because the thought of being gay aint scaring me anymore and now i feel like i truuuly am gay and like i have to come out to my parents and like im pressured by myself and not accepting myself and it feels just too real and idkkk its crazy how i can go from okay to this stage again. I feel like i try not to fall in love with woman and im holding myself back but if i truly was gay wouldnt it just liked the same sex earlier in my life. Like it just happens right? So ive never had that but i feel like im blocking myself from likjng woman but jve never liked them in my whole life so idk what im tryna convince myself. I cant lie, This generation is rlly hard on me when it comes to my hocd. Evergwhere around me people are comjng out and it makes it look like being gay is a huge posibility and that i could easily be gay when u look at how many people are gay. That it wouldnt be a weird case like so many girls are lesbian why wouldnt i be. What would make me straight and them gay? The thing is all these questjoms once were never in my head and all the answers were so clear i didnt even had to ask the questions to myself. But why do i now? Makes me feel like im gay because straight ppl would never ask themselves these questions...
I guess I'm gay. This is it. Im attracted to both men and women, but I get a stronger sexual reaction to women. I dont want to be gay. I'm with a boy who I love, but now I'm scared that I love my best friend instead of him. Before hocd I had no feelings for her at all. I dont want to have feelings for her. Before HOCD I didn't think I was gay, but because of comments that I saw yesterday it feels completely true now. I'd like to identify as straight, but that feels wrong because if I was healthy Id most likely want to be gay, right? I hope that isnt true. I'm not allowed to identify as straight because that's just proof that I'm in denial. I'm deep in denial. I want to die. I need help. But I can't afford help. I don't get a sexual response from looking at either gender now, which is very distressing because checking no longer works. I don't want my boyfriend to leave my life. I dont want to stop being intimate with him. I love talking to him, holding his hand, and hugging him, and kissing him and having sex with him. I'm scared I'm only with him for reassurance now. I dont want to get help if that means leaving him, but now I'm scared that's because I want to be straight, not because I love him. The most fucked thing about this is when I first developed hocd it was when I was going through puberty. I'd be terrified that I'd accidentally look at a girls boobs or butts, not even because I had the inclination to. It started from there and for some reason I got the shit end of the stick and it developed into being true. Have I convinced myself that I'm gay and I'm really not? I've been dealing with this so long I honestly have no idea. This bothers me so much because it's all about sex. What the fuck does sex have to do with loving someone? Love is not sex. I fucking hate societies view on sex and sexuality. I'm scared that if I dont react to these supposed feeling for my friend then they'll haunt me for ever. I dont want to lose my boyfriend.
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