tw Someone asked me on my post what would it mean for me if my thoughts were true after therapy. I dont know why but that question perplexed me really bad. My body has went cold and weak and heads been spinning since then, the thoughts feel so jumbled and im having sensations in certain areas. It feels like Im being ok with them coming true mainly the trans thoughts and I just felt shame and embarassment and thats what actual gay people feel too. What have i put myself into, this fu**ing obsession has destroyed my thinking ability and identity.

I dont really fear being judged, I never even think about it, those questions barely come into my mind. I wont lie I do fear it a little bit but its not what I fear the most. I dont know what I actually fear, feeling like im changing? Feeling like Ill live that lifestyle and never come back? I dont know, ive already lost all my identity that was built over 20 years, I feel blank and unknown all the time. I dont know what it is. This is not how I imagined what my 20s would look like. Around the start of this year I was sure I didnt want these thoughts and badly wanted to go back to being who I was but I kept getting proof ive always been gay and never noticed it and it made sense and I believed it since then my mental health went to shit. I dont know, my thoughts feel jumbled and tangled, its hard as it is and its worse bc english isnt my mother tongue so Im doubly confused.

And before all I wanted was my attraction for women to be higher and I wouldnt have cared about being bi but it feels like all my attraction to women was fake and a result of conditioning so I dont wish for that either. I feel different compared to my old life and where I grew up. I frankly just want to kill myself so I dont have to worry about anything that may or may not happen even if im just straight at this point. My brains too far gone into this mess

Hi, your comments are super triggering to people with SOOCD, it’s ocd , it’s not a fear of being gay or trans. It’s loss of identity bc you’ve been a certain way and now all of the sudden you have uncomfortable thoughts with anxiety 24/7 about who you really are. Please don’t take offense to SOOCD and try not to say things like what you’re saying bc they are so triggering

@Justmesadly Oops meant for booba

@Justmesadly If you will read my comment, that is what I was trying to say. I am emphasizing that it doesn’t matter if he’s gay or if he’s straight, he has OCD and shouldn’t feel distress about his identity he should feel uplifted by it and secure in it. It will not help for me to tell him he’s straight. I am trying to help him challenge the lie that OCD is telling him, “you don’t know yourself and that’s wrong. You need to understand every thought that runs through your head. If you don’t know your sexuality, you know nothing.”

@booba There’s no security in sexuality when you have SO OCD is the point! I didn’t say to tell him his sexuality. No one wants to be told their sexuality. Like I said we know it doesn’t matter what our sexuality is. It’s ocd that’s the problem!