It feels so real. And then some days I feel like I can really differentiate between me and ocd and see it all clearly. And be okay with uncertainty. And then it just hits me back again like a brick where my brain is like “no it’s all or nothing you can’t have anything in between” and then I get anxious. And when I’m anxious I get irritable with my partner and it’s almost like I resent her for not letting me HOCD thoughts be played out. Like surely that means I’m just in denial about it.

I think that is the thing. I was very very happy in my relationship before all this started and generally happy in myself. It’s only when this flared up that I started to question it all. But even now as I say this my brain is thinking actuallt was my mental health good? I don’t even know anymore

Hi Brad, I’m so sorry for what you are going through. I’m experiencing something very similar and it really is nothing short of hellish. You’re not alone. Everything you’re describing sounds very typical of HOCD or SOOCD. Including the fear of being in denial. I’ve experienced all the things you’re describing and it has and continues to be the hardest thing I’ve ever lived through. I try to remind myself that this feeling will nor last forever. I’m hopeful that therapy and treatment can help. I’m wishing the best for you and know that you’re not alone. The fact that you are having these fears and doubts doesn’t make them true. It means that you have a treatable illness and these are very typical symptoms regardless of how they ‘feel’ in the moment. You can get through this.

I’ve experienced all of that too. Feeling the doubt coming back is just devastating. When I’m in the depths of OCD it’s pretty clear to me that my mental health isn’t doing well. I try to remember that the only things I should be taking seriously, are what I know of myself when I am mentally well. When I’m deep in an OCD episode my mind, quite frankly, can’t be trusted. Not that it’s that easy.

This article might be helpful as well, to help you recognize these thoughts for what they are. https://adaa.org/learn-from-us/from-the-experts/blog-posts/consumer/unwanted-intrusive-thoughts

I get that a lot too. I had my initial attack of OCD when I was a teen, then being diagnosed was enough to give me peace of mind and confidence in myself and who I am. I had almost 20 years OCD free with multiple fulfilling and happy relationships. But now with all the stress of COVID it is like my resilience is down and my OCD has come roaring back in spite of all those years I had that showed who I truly am. OCD doesn’t care about the truth. It will try cast doubt on anything and everything, including throwing the past into a different light.