Having bad Rocd and in the end of the day feeling numb, depressed, guilty and having insomnia. Throughout the day I would ruminate, go on compulsions and so the story goes. The past few days I believed i got it a little controlled but BOOM!!! It came back massively and hit me like a terrible monster. I buy everything Rocd sells and I am it's victim. I feel imprisoned and all I need is some freedom and peace...is it ever going yo happen?

Redyroo

Date posted: 3y

Trust me, you’re gonna have worst days and better days. I’ve been where you’re at 100000 times but today I honestly couldn’t care less about my partner. But it’s not depression or numbness because I do feel that I love him fully so I know that i’m not cut off. Today he is working with all these good looking women but you know what? So what? you must challenge your ocd thoughts, say to them so what? Face that discomfort, it’s the only way to get through. It’s about having enough self efficacy to believe you can get through whatever comes your way. I would really like to help you as I have been in your shoes many times and I am also studying psychology atm at postgraduate level. I’m training to help those who suffer. Let me know if you need any help x

zoed

Date posted: 3y

Thank you for your support you are very kind! It's so stupid and awful to feel so low and worthless and not be able to trust my husband. I love him and I feel he loves me too but these dark thoughts come up again like I barely know this person. I know I have good qualities and can be loved but these words teriffy me "What if he does something behind my back?", "What if he wants someone else and I have not figured it out?" and other similar thoughts. It's like an endless tunnel that has no light in the end. I know now that my Rocd got triggered because i got betrayed by a close family person and after that its like everyone seems to me fake and liar. I don't want to live a life where I am suspicious and feel afraid to be open and real with people. I am so afraid to be hurt again so I obsess over everything in order to create a fake safety. I hate my hurt soul it won't let me live life as it is with its dangers, threats, happiness or sadness. Life is living the whole of it not just the good feelings i guess.

Redyroo

Date posted: 3y

Yes exactly, you seem to be very self aware that this is indeed a self protection measure, you’re adopting these thoughts as a way to keep a safe distance. Think of it this way, if you didn’t have these thoughts or you did but you pushed them away and didn’t take them seriously, how would you feel? Maybe if you did that you’d feel far too vulnerable and that there would be more of a chance of him doing something behind your back. So in this way, perhaps by you having your thoughts there, they provide a safety blanket, they make you feel in control and without them, it feels far too risky. Here’s another thought which helps me, you’re already vulnerable. I know, huge shock, let’s say he hurt you in another way, by ignoring your texts, would this hurt you? Would this make you feel not good enough? this just goes to show you that no matter what, you’re vulnerable and protecting yourself isn’t going to prevent that from happening, we are all vulnerable to being hurt when we enter into a relationship. We all hurt each other because we’re in perfect human beings. All of these thoughts and feelings derive from you. (Unless he’s treating you like crap and flirting with other women directly or has cheated) you have a good husband. But your mind doesn’t want to see it that way. It wants to reject every part of him before he has even been given the chance to prove his love to you. I believe you must have some avoidant tendencies like me. You fault find and it becomes a downwards spiral that is hard to get out of if you aren’t aware you are doing so. I could honestly talk for hours on this subject. It goes so deep. There are so many factors at play i’ve had to write myself a personal mind map for it.

zoed

Date posted: 3y

Yes I either overexpress feelings and say how much I love him or I avoid speak in a kind way, hug, have personal moments as in a way this creates to me a safe distance that if i don't get too close it would be easier to be apart if something happens. I want so much to give my whole self into this relationship but things hold me back. In the beginning of our relationship, almost 7 years ago, I wouldn't feel so insecure and scared even i have Ocd since I was a child. But then when we started bonding and coming really close the spiral started and the obsessions got triggered. I look at myself and sometimes feel like I am some kind of freak, a victim of my own thoughts person that i hate me really. I want to let others do whatever they want and if they want to hurt me or betray me that's their choice and self reflection and doesn't have to do with me. If we see ourselves as a train and other people as stations we must understand that to go on in life we must go through many different stations to reach our destination. This road is not safe or happy always but at least it is real. We must come to terms with the fact that this is it and no matter how much we try to keep us safe this is an illusion we feel good to maintain.

Redyroo

Date posted: 3y

It really is an illusion for sure but our mind makes it feel so real and that’s why it’s so difficult. You can understand though why the mind makes it so real, it’s trying to avoid psychological pain you’ve experienced before. Nobody can see this because it’s in the mind, you cannot physically see it. you have to tell yourself, are you ready? Are you ready to get hurt again? to fully feel? To fully love? To allow yourself to be happy? Or do you want to stay miserable, suffering, always expecting the worst? I think it’s much better to risk it all and to love and potentially get hurt than to suffer all the time and something might or might not happen. Either way, truly loving or truly holding back won’t stop someone from hurting you so either way you have a choice and currently you’re choosing the path that hurts you more. Why? because you believe that’s the path that hurts you less. You think closing in is safer.

zoed

Date posted: 3y

Exactly you described it very good... it's really difficult to reprogram the mind but if we don't do it the suffering will be endless...

Mariabae

Date posted: 20w

rocd I feel so desperate and overwhelmed.

i have what i think is rocd, at least many people here told me i do. im going through the worst period ever, my thoughts feel real, i feel like i dont have any feelings for my boyfriend, that i am in denial , that i am a liar, i cant remember how it feels like to love him, my memories with him are distorted. I feel like i never loved him and i was just coping , acting like i do because i could not accept the reality. I see many people saying that once they are with their partner they feel better but it dosent help, when i am with him i still have thoughts and horible feelings. i dont know what to do anymore. I have this problem for over a year and a half, and rn it feels the worst ever. Everything feels urgent and terrifyingly real. I keep thinking that maybe when the thoughts first started, I actually realized I didn’t love him — but I kept saying “no, it can’t be, I love him,” just to deny the truth. And now I feel like I’m only holding on to a false idea I created in my head. I don’t feel love, just pressure, panic, and confusion. I told ChatGPT that I feel numb next to him, I can’t imagine a future with him, nothing feels like it used to, and I’m scared I was only ever excited about the idea of love — not him. Please, I just want this pain to stop.

Anonymous

Date posted: 20w

ROCD policies suck

I am struggling to live life and do my ERPs. I am taking medication and doing ERP still along with therapy (had 10+ years of PTSD therapy). I don't have anything to look forward to. I've accomplished a lot in life but they don't matter to me anymore. There's little to no reward or there's stimuli of feeling or being treated badly even if I did good. Coping skills have become maladaptive. My values have changed and there is nothing I really want but my ex for the past years. ROCD is making my body react as if I am unable to be happy without my ex. He helped me through hard times and heal from trauma, but he was his own mess of trauma that I could not heal (he needs a real therapist and to go consistently). Yet when I was with him ROCD (didn't know about it at the time) kept telling me to leave from his unreasonable actions. Hard time sitting in limbo as I'm unable to decide and hard to keep doing nothing without something to look forward in life. I feel self abandonment whether I go back to him or stay away. I want to be able to live with myself even if I'll never end up with anyone. I hate not doing something of self care or feeling anything but apathy or worse every day despite doing things anyways. I worked hard to get safe only to have no joy in life anymore.

Mariabae

Date posted: 19w

my chest hurts.

feel like I’ve been stuck in this ROCD cycle for so long that I don’t even know what’s real anymore. Everything feels so heavy and confusing. I keep having thoughts like “I don’t love him,” “I never really did,” “I’m just used to him,” or “I’m staying out of guilt or fear.” They come with a strong emotional pull that makes it feel like I’m finally facing some ‘truth’ — but I don’t even know what that truth is. Even when things are going well with my boyfriend — when he’s loving, caring, affectionate — I still feel disconnected, like I can’t feel love or calmness. And then I feel guilty for not feeling what I think I should feel. I overthink everything: memories, how I used to feel, how I feel now, what I might feel tomorrow. I can’t tell if I’m just scared to lose him or if I’m trying to force something that isn’t there. I’ve read so much about ROCD and I know I’m supposed to sit with the thoughts and let them pass, but sometimes they feel so real that I don’t know how to keep going. Sometimes I even feel numb and that scares me too — like if I don’t react with panic, it must be true. I just want peace. I want clarity. I want to stop analyzing and doubting every moment. Has anyone else felt this way? How do you sit with this and not spiral? Thank you so much for reading. 💔

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